Mass Effect 3: Missing Moments
by Meeka Mars
Summary: Through many small moments and some interventions with friends, Shepard and Alenko cultivate their rocky relationship. Paragon War Hero line FemShep with Kaidan romance. In Progress
1. The Argument

Missing Moments: The Argument

Shepard took down the last Cerberus soldier in the hall and grimly looked around. They were almost to the archives. Hopefully, Dr. Core hadn't finished what she came here to do. The Alliance needed that Prothean data. If it had plans for any weapon that could take down the reapers, it would be the key to ending this war and taking back Earth. She wondered though, why the Illusive Man would send Cerberus here. If he really was concerned with saving humanity, wouldn't he be helping them? What was he up to? Liara panted slightly as she reached Shepard. A worried look crept across her face.

"How many soldiers do you think Cerberus sent?" Liara asked. They had fought through a couple dozen since meeting up with her. It was possible she didn't know Cerberus had already started to set up a perimeter around the base before Shepard's team landed.

"About a platoon," Kaidan replied behind her. He shot a gurgling soldier before catching up to Shepard and Liara. "We figured with someone on the inside, that's about how many men Cerberus would need to secure the base."

"Then, maybe the Illusive Man wasn't counting on reinforcements. It is a good thing you arrived when you did, Shepard."

Shepard popped the heat sink from her gun, reloaded, and started around the corner. _It was a good thing Hackett sent us_, she thought. How long had she been out of the loop? Six months under house arrest, it seemed like forever and yet hardly any time at all. She couldn't even send out communications to her team to find out if they were alright. Shepard had no idea where any of them were or what they were doing, aside from Garrus. But all she knew of him was that he went back to Palaven. Kaidan had been promoted, and here Liara was working on trying to find something they could use to fight off the reapers. She wondered if any of her other squad members were doing something similar. Shepard hoped they were.

Kaidan shook his head. "I still can't believe Cereberus would turn all their soldiers into husks. What are they thinking?"

"The Illusive Man will stop at nothing to get what he wants. Remember those experiments he was running with the thorian creepers? It's the same thing, only now he's using reaper tech." She wasn't sure if one was worse than the other though. Aside from bringing her back to take down the Collectors and rebuilding the Normandy, the Illusive Man's activities were nothing short of monstrous.

"Yeah, I guess so. Makes me worry what he did to you exactly…" Kaidan glanced sideways at Shepard. After being questioned during the entire mission and after she thought they had reached at least something of an understanding back before the tram, he still didn't trust her. She wanted to explode.

"Is that all you can see in me now? After everything I've done? Everyone Kaidan, everyone else believed in me."

"I do believe in you, Shep-" He started softly.

"No, you didn't-"

"Now wait a minute-" Kaidan angrily tried to interject.

"-when I needed you Kaidan. While you were investigating my rumors, I was living it. I woke up on a surgery table in the middle of a mech battle! With only strangers to tell me what was going on. The first chance I got I headed straight for the Citadel to find _you_. Because I _needed_ you!"

The heat from her words made her cheeks hot with anger. She never allowed herself to get emotional about these types of things, especially on a mission. Shepard almost regretted saying it out loud, but it was too late to take it all back now. Her composure had already been broken.

"I tried to get Anderson to talk to me, Shepard. He stonewalled me about-"

"Then what about Horizon, Kaidan? What then? Why-"

Kaidan blew up at that. "Hey! How the hell was I supposed to know if that was really you in there? You talk about how I should know you better, but I think maybe you should think about how you should know _me _better? Just because I'm careful I-"

"Will you two just stop it! I know you're both hurt and angry, and not just about this. Earth has just been invaded, and you're worried about the war front. So let's focus on getting this data. Shepard, you said it yourself, we need to focus on finding a way to stop the Reapers." Liara stood between them, her arms starting to create a barricade even though from the hurt look in both their eyes she probably wouldn't have needed one.

Liara looked at Kaidan. She couldn't tell if he was still angry. His brow creased and he frowned, but a second later his expression hardened to stoicism. Shepard was harder to read, but the signs were still there. Her muscles were tense, and her eyes seemed to focus on a distant goal. Sometimes, she hated that Shepard and Alenko were such efficient soldiers. Always sacrificing themselves for the mission, always thinking their personal feelings were a hindrance rather than an advantage. She sighed and Shepard turned away.

"Liara's right. We should go."


	2. Helpless

Missing Moments: Helpless

The med bay doors hissed open and Shepard stood at the brink. She could see Kaidan from where she stood and from there it didn't seem like the damage was too bad. But she knew better. Slowly, she walked toward him, her brows furrowed with worry. It wasn't like she hadn't seen people get hurt in battle, or that she hadn't witnessed worse wounds in men under her command. She'd seen more than her fair share of horrific things, even before Elysium. But this was Kaidan.

Training kicked in. Shepard pulled off her armored gloves and their under-padding. She could change after she'd done everything she could, because she couldn't stand doing nothing while Kaidan lay there injured. The med bay was set up close to the same as it had been back when she had worked with Cerberus. She found the medigel, washcloths, and basins quickly. Filling one of the basins with luke-warm water, she realized her hands were shaking. Shepard clenched them tightly, willing them still.

She walked over to where he lay and gently dabbed the caked blood away. The bruises were starting to show now, deep purple surrounded his eyes and larger greenish ones were spreading across his cheekbones and jaw line. Shepard grit her teeth. It was so hard seeing him like this. She didn't dare try to remove his armor and risk more injury, but at least she could clean him up a bit. The medigel didn't do much at this point except to keep infection out. Carefully, she dabbed some on the few open wounds he had. There wasn't much else she could do and she hated feeling this helpless.

Shepard leaned on the table over him. The tears wouldn't come. She wasn't sure why she expected that to change after all these years. Instead she just shut her eyes. They were so angry at each other. The last things they had said, she shook her head. Kaidan's accusations struck at her heart. _You have to admit, it's kind of convenient... Shepard, I need a straight answer…. I don't know what you are, or who, since Cerberus rebuilt you…. I think maybe you should think about how you should know me better._

The sound of the doors opening broke Shepard's train of thought away from those last remarks. Her guilt ate away at her though and she wished she had had the strength to tell Kaidan how she felt about him. That she loved him… missed him... She recalled her last dying moments when she was out in space suffocating, burning and freezing at the same time. Her last thoughts had simply been regretting not telling Kaidan what he meant to her. And yet she had another chance after Cerberus brought her back, several even, and she still hadn't told him.

Liara quietly joined her, studying her face before looking down at Kaidan. "I remember watching Kaidan back when we were chasing down Saren; the way he would look at you when you weren't watching, it was clear that he admired you. I also recall a certain conversation we had, about how you cared for him. I was always a little… envious of him for that."

"Liara…"

"Do not worry about me, Shepard. We became friends, which is more than I could have hoped for. I admit I was embarrassed at the time, but I was always happy for you both." She smiled softly. "You know, you never told me how you met."

Shepard brushed Kaidan's hair back off his forehead. "I met Kaidan during the Normandy's shakedown. Our first mission together was on Eden Prime. The prothean beacon we found somehow activated and I had to push him out of the way. The blast knocked me out cold…Chakwas was standing there talking about brainwaves and there he was, trying to take the blame for the whole thing. He looked so worried, I actually had to tell him that it wasn't his fault," Shepard smiled a little. "I remember that was the first time I saw him smile."

"You were always talking with him, I had assumed that you two had worked together longer than that. It never occurred to me that you only met him a couple weeks before I met you."

"I told myself after that first mission that I wouldn't get distracted by some charming lieutenant but…"

Liara smiled. "But Kaidan was different. I guess he managed to distract you after all."

"That he did," Shepard smiled wholeheartedly down at Kaidan as she said it. But as quickly as it came, it disappeared. Liara worried about her and noted Kaidan's shallow breathing. She didn't want to say anything though. Shepard already had enough to worry about.

"Shepard… we'll be arriving at the Citadel soon. You should take this time to get ready."

Shepard frowned, she didn't want to leave Kaidan here alone but she knew she couldn't afford to stay here and mope either. The council needed to be briefed on the reaper attack on Earth. There was more at stake here than just one life, she knew that. But she couldn't bring herself to walk away.

"I can stay here and watch over Kaidan for you," Liara added, noticing Shepard's reluctance.

"What about the data?"

"I can work on that here. Besides, EDI is working on the bulk of the analysis. Don't worry, I will have our findings ready for the council by the time we arrive."

"Alright…" Shepard replied, though she was sure it was more to convince herself than to convince Liara. "I'll be back before we dock."

Liara nodded. "And we'll be here."

Once Shepard left, Liara scanned Kaidan with her omni-tool. His pulse was low, his breathing shallow. She shut her eyes. She wasn't a medical doctor; she couldn't do anything to help him. If only she had paid more attention to what was happening around her at the archives, she might have realized Dr. Core was a Cerberus agent and this would have never happened. And now with the reapers attacking Earth… Shepard already had so much to grieve over.

"Goddess, please let Kaidan make it through this."


	3. Hard at Work

Missing Moments: Hard at Work

Shepard wiped the foggy mirror with her arm. Reaper tech had always made her feel dirty and handling those artifacts left her feeling not only grubby, but grouchy as well. Even a hot shower did little to improve her mood. It didn't help that Kaidan was still at Huerta Memorial and Udina had made any information regarding his condition classified over open channels. Unless Kaidan himself sent her a message, the only way she'd be able to find out how he was would be to visit the hospital.

Coincidentally, Cortez wanted a couple spare parts for the Kodiak after it took some damage during the firefight, just in case. They had also found some medigel application schematics for Hanar that the hospital might be able to utilize. Provisions could always use a boost and between leaving Earth, the attack on Mars, and raiding that Cerberus lab, the crew needed a little time to gain their bearings. A trip to the Citadel was warranted and that gave her an excuse to check up on Kaidan to see if he was doing any better. While Dr. Michel had been optimistic about him recovering, she didn't see the beating he took.

She quickly got dressed and dried her hair. Though Shepard was exhausted, she didn't much want to sleep. The nightmare she had those few nights ago hadn't returned, but the memory of it left an eerie echo in the back of her mind. She was certain it was the stress, but knowing that didn't help her get a good night's rest. Scanning her desk, she picked up the requisitions data pad. It looked like EDI had already updated her logs with the crews' supply requests. She skimmed the list, making sure everything was in proper order then finalized it. James and Cortez would take care of the charges and pickups.

Taking the data pad with her, she headed down to the CIC. Traynor could coordinate the shore leave plans. Since they only had an eight hour window to get what they needed on the Citadel, as well as to take a brief reprieve from duty, Shepard would need to make sure that they had enough deck hands to restock the Normandy as quickly as possible before turning the crew loose for some R and R. Knowing she'd have to inspect the ship before they shipped off, that only gave her six or seven hours to take care of business at the Citadel as well as check on Kaidan.

Then it would be off to Palaven. The thought of the turian homeworld possibly being under attack worried her. Garrus was the only one who stuck around after she turned herself in to the Alliance. He'd stayed just long enough to make sure she would be okay and then left for Palaven. Shepard couldn't blame him though. He hadn't been back home since before she met him, and after they found out how close the reapers were from Dr. Kenson, she herself had wanted to warn her own people. Not that they listened to her. She hoped Garrus had better luck with the turians and that he was alright.

As she stepped off the elevator, Traynor turned and smiled. Apparently, she had good news and Shepard could use some good news for once.

"Commander, you've got a message from Major Alenko. He must be feeling better."

Shepard sighed with relief and smiled. "Thanks, Traynor."

She definitely needed to hear that. Immediately, she logged on the terminal in the CIC and checked the message. Kaidan was doing fine. She hoped he was joking about causing trouble for the nurses, but then again when she thought about it, it had been nearly three years since they had been together. He said it himself that he had changed in his letter after Horizon. Maybe he had finally learned to lighten up a bit. And despite what she wanted to think, Shepard knew deep down that she had changed as well. Maybe not her ideals, but she knew that she had hardened over the past year.

Shepard sighed. Kaidan was finally opening up and here she was closing herself off more and more. Duty always came first, and even if it hadn't… she'd been slowly losing more of herself the past year. Nothing had been the same after she woke up from that coma. Try as she might, Shepard lost those two years and she was never getting them back. People she loved, people she cared about… they had all moved forward without her. In fact, she had to remind herself that technically she was dead to them until just a year ago. The only thing she could think to do now was to make up for the lost time. But how was she supposed to do that with a war going on?

She logged out and handed Traynor the data pad. "Here's our requisitions order. I need to you send it through the proper channels on the Citadel so that we can get loaded up as soon as we dock. I want there to be enough time for the crew to fit in some R and R before we ship back out."

"I'll take care of it, Commander." Traynor replied with a nod. "This shouldn't take too long. I'll be sure to get you a final schedule in a couple hours."

"Thanks."

That would give her enough time to head down to the armory and patch up her armor. Between Mars and the Cerberus lab raid, she was sure there were bound to be some scuffs that needed attention. The hours flew by quickly as she lost herself in her work. First her armor, then she worked on her weapons, and after that she reviewed the few reports Traynor was able to assemble from Earth. The battles all seemed to go poorly, but the trend had been fewer casualties each day. Not by much, maybe a few hundred or so more would survive out of thousands, but it was something.

After Traynor gave her the updated schedule, Shepard was happy to note she'd have ample time to stop by and check on Kaidan. Probably even enough time to check on some of her crew at the Citadel. Even after that, she might manage to take a few moments to herself. She thought about the fountains, and how Kaidan had mentioned how peaceful they were back when they both served on the SR1 under Anderson. She wasn't even a Spectre then. It felt like a lifetime ago.

Once her work was done on the Normandy, Shepard headed straight for the hospital. The Alliance already had transport ready for her, and she found herself glad that they did. Though she wasn't angry with Kaidan anymore, she wondered if he felt the same. Would he still be mad? Did he really think she was just some Cerberus puppet? Shepard felt her stomach twist up as her heart clenched. He'd had three years to get over her, but she'd only been back for a year. And she was far from getting over him.

The ride over felt like hours and all she could do was stew in her own dismal thoughts. He'd been angry with her. Angry on Horizon, angry on Mars… Shepard wasn't sure what to expect when she got to the hospital. Would they just have another fight? Or would they finally be able to talk about things for once. She sighed. If only he'd visited her while she was under house arrest. She had needed to see him so badly. Six months of doing nothing except thinking about everything she'd lost, about everything she couldn't do while being under guard. She couldn't prep for the war. She couldn't even talk to her friends.

She walked into the hospital. It was busier than when they first brought Kaidan in. More injured refugees seeking shelter, no doubt. She couldn't even check in at the front desk without first calming down a fight between an angry patron and the receptionist. Shepard frowned. More fighting, that's all she needed. She sighed, gaining back her composure and turned around to go visit Kaidan when she spotted a Sirta kiosk. Maybe a gift would help smooth things over. She checked what they had. A bunch of books, but she wasn't sure what Kaidan liked to read, and some medicinal whiskey. Whiskey was always good. In fact, she felt like she could use a shot of some herself.

It felt nice to pick up something for him. Shepard smiled, making a mental note to try doing this more often then headed down the hall. Dr. Michel caught her though and updated her on Kaidan's medical status. He was going to be fine. She felt a weight lift off her shoulders. Even if… she stopped herself from thinking any more about it. Kaidan was going to be fine. And as long as he was okay, that's what mattered most to her.

Shepard took a deep breath before opening the door, trying to calm her dancing nerves. Kaidan was lying on the bed, looking only slightly miserable and he managed to prop himself up to see who'd come in. Despite his terrible injuries, Kaidan smiled. It was just what she needed.


	4. Unexpected

Missing Moments: Unexpected

Shepard finished her meeting with Councilor Sparatus and Primarch Victus. They were still set on only providing assistance if she could get Krogan support. She hoped that Wrex would be willing to form an alliance with the Turians. If not… she shook her head. Shepard just wasn't sure how she was supposed to settle a thousand year old grudge that still angered the Krogans to no end. Maybe Garrus had some ideas.

The D24 docking bay was overcrowded and smelled like antiseptic. People scrunched together on benches, on the floor, in trailers, it was a dismal sight. She wondered what Garrus was doing do here, but as she neared the far end of the bay, she realized why her friend would choose to spend his shore leave down here with the refugees. She could hear Garrus' voice giving orders, organizing the people there to help the turians who had left Palaven and sought refuge at the Citadel. With all the disarray, these people needed a strong leader like him.

Garrus told her about the casualty reports from Palaven, worry flickering in his eyes, yet determination set in his jaw. After talking about the state of the turian refugees, Shepard just didn't have the heart to burden him with her own worries about garnering turian support for Earth. Right now the wounds were still fresh. He'd just seen his world burn and now was dealing with the poor state of affairs for the refugees of his home planet. It wasn't the time or place to talk about what she could do to get help from the turians if she couldn't get the krogans on board.

Shepard left and checked the time on her omni-tool. There was just over an hour before she had to be back at the Normandy for inspection prior to shipping off and she'd already taken care of all the business she had on the Citadel. Traynor's schedule hadn't given her room to visit Kaidan, but with all her work done, she figured it couldn't hurt to drop by and see how he was doing. Shepard headed for the hospital.

Huerta Memorial was bright and crisp. While it still smelled like medicine, it was much cleaner than the docks. Even here it was evident there was a war going on. There were still so many injured, mostly soldiers from the front lines like Kaidan. Shepard put it out of her mind though. She'd be no good to her crew if she didn't take at least a small moment of reprieve from the stress of the war. The Alliance needed her at her best and she needed to think about something else for a while.

As she reached his room she wondered if she should knock, but the door opened automatically. Kaidan was standing near the window, looking out at the rushing traffic. He turned when the door opened and smiled.

"Hey Shepard," Kaidan started. "I wasn't expecting to see you. I thought you'd still be out for a few more weeks."

"I was in the neighborhood," Shepard smiled and Kaidan chuckled.

"I kind of find that hard to believe." He watched her while she walked up to join him and for a moment Shepard remembered what it felt like back on the SR1 when they used to just chat with each other. "But I'm glad you're here anyway. So, uh… what's up?"

"Nothing much, just getting the usual from the council," she shook her head. Really, she would have thought she'd learned by now.

"Yeah," he scoffed slightly. "I guess you can't expect them to change their ways now. But you didn't come here just to talk about the war did you?"

"No. Actually, I came here to see how you were doing." Shepard paused, talking in his barely there smile. He wasn't going to make it easy on her, was he. In fact, the way he leaned back, arms folded across his chest, she would think he was suspicious of her again. "So, how are you doing, Kaidan?"

"I'm doing well, all things considered. The fractures are nearly healed up and I'm looking to get out of here soon - maybe before you get back from your next tour even. I'm not gonna lie. I was ready to go the last time you visited. But the Doc… well the Doc keeps telling me soon, but it seems like she's always got something else to keep me here."

"The offer still stands if you want me to break you out."

He laughed, "Thanks, but I'm not sure how that would look on your record. I mean, it'd probably be the least of your infractions, but… you know, it might be best not to push your luck too much."

"Are you worried about me, Major?" Shepard asked flirtatiously.

"Well," Kaidan cleared his throat. "I always worry about you Shepard."

They shared a brief smile and in the comfortable silence Shepard dared to stand a little closer to him. He watched her for a moment more before looking out at the traffic again and she followed his gaze. It was peaceful, quiet, like the war wasn't even happening. She could get lost in this feeling.

"You know, we picked up Garrus on Menae," Shepard stated.

Kaidan didn't seem surprised, "Well, Garrus hasn't ever been one to run away from a fight. It must be nice to have him back on board… you know, after all that happened on Earth."

"You're talking about my house arrest, aren't you?"

He sighed. "I know that Garrus stuck around until after your trial." Kaidan sounded regretful. "You know, I always thought I'd eventually come and talk to you. To… I don't know, set things straight, to hear your side of the story. I just…"

"Kaidan…"

His brows furrowed and Shepard could tell he was angry with himself.

"Shepard, I've had a lot of time to sit here by myself and think about what happened and I just don't know that I even wanted to hear what you had to say. It was easier to think that it wasn't you that came back. Easier to think that the woman I loved was really gone. But… I should have been there or at the very least let you explain things to me and I didn't. I wasn't there for you and I'll own that."

"You did what you thought was best. I can't blame you for that."

"No Shepard, I didn't. I mean, maybe to a certain degree I did, but I also did what was easier for me. Because I couldn't see you again, love you again, only to find out it wasn't really you. It started out that I didn't trust you because you were with Cerberus. But it ended up that I didn't trust you because I didn't want to get hurt."

"I can't say I didn't visit you on Earth because I was busy with the Biotics team, or because the Alliance wouldn't allow it. Because if I had really wanted to, I would have. When the truth comes down to it, the fact is … the fact is that I just couldn't bear to." He pinched the bridge of his nose, a sign that said he was getting a headache.

Shepard wasn't sure how to feel about Kaidan's confession. Knowing that he purposefully didn't want to see her… it broke her heart. But at the same time even she'd had doubts about herself when she first woke up and again after Horizon. She questioned whether or not she was just a tool for the Illusive Man, whether she was just as monstrous as all his psychotic experiments. While chasing the Collectors she'd spent countless hours persuading herself she was same woman and that nothing had changed. And after she destroyed the Collector base she was sure she had to be herself, that she wouldn't have been able to go against the Illusive Man if she wasn't. It was enough to convince her, but apparently it hadn't been enough to convince Kaidan.

"You're not saying anything…" Kaidan finally broke the silence.

"I don't really know what to say, Kaidan." It was the truth. She didn't know how she should feel, whether or not she was angry or relieved that he told her. "Do you still feel that way about me?"

"No. I don't." Kaidan sounded sincere. He looked in her eyes and took her hand in his. "I've put this behind me Shepard. I just… I just wanted you to know why I did what I did. Because I can't expect you to be honest with me if I'm not honest with you."

She pulled her hand away. "Well, if we're being honest then…you hurt me."

"I know." Kaidan stepped closer even though Shepard stepped back. "And I can't guarantee that I won't hurt you again. But I want you to know that I still care about you and I want us to get past this."

"It's kind of hard to get past it when you keep bringing all of it back up," she sounded harsher than she meant to. Shepard sighed. "I don't want to fight."

"I don't want to fight either." They looked at each other, hopeful. Kaidan closed the distance Shepard had created between them. "Can we just start over?"

"I don't know, Kaidan. We have a lot of history. You can't just erase that. I'm not sure I'd want to erase it anyway, the good or the bad."

"Alright, I can take that. Can you at least forgive me then?" Kaidan pleaded with her. He looked worried. Worried that her answer was no? Shepard wondered how he could ever think that she wouldn't forgive him. She felt the corners of her lips barely turn up. He always had her forgiveness. From that first moment when she had to push him out of the way of the beacon, she found it impossible to not forgive him.

"In case you haven't noticed yet, Major, I have an incredibly difficult time not forgiving you."

He chuckled softly. "Good to know."

"What about me? Do you trust me?"

Kaidan looked hurt, as if in all this time he hadn't realized how much it meant for her to have his trust. "Yeah. I trust you, Shepard."

She smiled this time. "Think we're done clearing the air again?"

The Major smirked at her, "We could always do it once more on your next visit. Maybe make it a tradition, an air clearing once a week?"

"No, I think I'm okay with this being the last one."

He laughed, "Yeah, me too."

They stayed quiet for a while. The tension that had been there moments ago diffused and Shepard felt her shoulders relax. She hadn't even realized how tense her muscles had gotten at Kaidan's confession. Kaidan also looked more at ease. His posture was less guarded and his brow wasn't creased anymore. Maybe they were finally past all this. Shepard perked up a little.

"So, what about the Spectre position? Have you given Udina an answer yet?"

"No, I haven't. I-I still don't know, Shepard. I think I should, I mean, I feel like I should but…Being a Spectre isn't something I should take lightly, and after serving with you…" He sighed. "I know I can do the job, I just don't know if I can live up to it."

Shepard looked back at him. "For what it's worth, I think it would be an honor for the Spectres to have you. I know I'd like having you on my side."

Kaidan gave her an apologetic look. "You do have me on your side, Shepard."

She watched his face for a moment, wondering if it was true, wondering if he'd finally stopped doubting her. Shepard had to trust that he did, that he meant what he said. The look in his eyes told her he was sincere, told her that he believed in her. And she believed him. When she really thought about it, she never stopped believing him. Shepard smiled then turned back to watch the view, she'd have to leave soon. Kaidan gazed at her a while longer, then watched silently with her. It wasn't perfect. It wasn't how they wanted it. But it was a start.


	5. Inquiries

Missing Moments: Inquiries

Shepard had Joker set course for Grissom Academy. After what Traynor found, she worried about Cerberus attacking the Biotic school. While she was sure there were plenty of teachers there, the school probably didn't have any guards. A group of biotic students would be no match for a platoon of Cerberus soldiers. It would still be a little more than an hour before they arrived and she couldn't remember the last time she sat down to eat. Chakwas would no doubt be hounding her if she didn't get some food before the mission.

The mess was sparse. Most of the crew were on duty and at their stations. An hour before a mission, that was the norm. Garrus was at the counter though, preparing some kind of paste that didn't look appetizing in the slightest. Shepard wondered if that was simply because of his dextro-amino acids or if that was the only rations they had for turians on the ship. If it was, she'd have to make sure to pick up some decent food for him at their next stop at the Citadel.

She opened the cupboards and pulled down a pre-assembled ration plate. Pulling off the cover, Shepard found a clean fork in the drawers, grabbed her plate, and sat down across from Garrus. She noted that her plate didn't look that much more appetizing than his. She could really go for Mess Sergeant Gardner's cooking right about now and depending on the taste of these rations, maybe even his pre-Citadel provisions food. It tasted surprisingly better than it looked though, so she hoped that Garrus was experiencing the same.

"So…" Garrus drawled out. "I heard Kaidan was back on the Normandy for a while."

Shepard shook her head. _Here it comes_, she thought. She might as well see exactly what gossip had been going around. "Is that all you heard?"

Garrus shrugged. "I may have also heard that you two had quite the argument on Mars. Not to mention that Kaidan took quite a beating there and has since become a resident of the illustrious Huerta Memorial." He made the hospital sound like a high scale hotel. "So… how did that go?"

"Which part?"

"All of it, Shepard. Or have you forgotten that I got to stand _awkwardly_ behind you on Horizon while you and Kaidan had your little, what do you humans like to call it, lover's tiff? And don't forget the memorable week after. You do recall that week, don't you? Oh and the few days after you got that letter from Kaidan. That was great… good times." Garrus finished sarcastically while he leaned back in his chair, eagerly waiting to hear Shepard's story.

Shepard sighed, shook her head, and continued eating. She really didn't feel much like talking about it right then. The turian waited for a few moments and when it seemed obvious that she was trying to hint to him that it was none of his damn business he leaned forward.

"Come on, Shepard… you owe me at least a little insight. I got to be caught up in it the first time around, then again on Horizon. I'm almost sorry I missed out on Mars. Almost."

She couldn't help but laugh a little at that. While she was sure a lot of his 'overhearing' conversations was due to his training at C-Sec, she couldn't help but think that his more recent exploits on the Normandy involved purposeful eavesdropping or even interrogation. Slowly, Shepard chewed her food, making Garrus wait for as long as possible. Besides, Garrus had never been incredibly patient. If she took long enough, he might just give up and go back to calibrating the Normandy's big guns.

Apparently, that tactic wasn't going to work this time. He folded his arms and gave her a look that said he wasn't amused at all. Shepard sighed in defeat. She knew he was just trying to be a good friend. She'd put a lot on him back then, more than he probably wanted. If he really wanted to know what happened… well, he'd always been there for her before.

"Kaidan got to the Normandy and picked me up before leaving Earth. Anderson was supposed to come with us, but he decided to stay and help with the resistance against the reapers. He ordered us to leave and come get help on the Citadel."

Garrus sat forward, his full attention on Shepard.

"Hackett managed to get a hold of us and ordered us to hit Mars to collect some prothean data before going to the Citadel. It was a blueprint for some kind of weapon the protheans were building to fight off the reapers."

"I think you skipped the part where you and Kaidan are having it out."

Shepard's brows furrowed. "Cerberus was on Mars."

"That explains a lot."

"Kaidan asked what they were doing there, as if I knew. He didn't trust that I wasn't with them or that I only worked with them to stop the Collectors."

"And…"

"And we fought about it… Then Kaidan was almost killed."

Garrus looked sympathetic. "That changed everything, didn't it."

"Yeah, it did." Shepard sighed. "I kept thinking, why didn't I tell him how I felt on Horizon. He said it right there, out loud. In front of you, in front of a stranger, he said that he had loved me. And… " She shook her head.

"And you didn't say it back."

She turned away, "Yeah." Shepard clenched her fork in her fist. "But it's more than that. I didn't tell him on Mars either. He asked if the woman he loved was still in here somewhere. All I told him was that I never left, that I still felt the same way about him as I did before. But I didn't tell how I felt about him. I've never really said the words."

"What about at the hospital?"

"No. I think about it, but then we talk about something else or we argue."

"You fought about Cerberus at the hospital too?"

Shepard shook her head. "Not Cerberus so much as how he didn't trust me, how we could get past Horizon..."

Garrus took a deep breath, taking it all in. "I'm guessing he never did come and see you while you were under arrest back on Earth." Shepard just shook her head. "And what about now? Did you two patch things up at the hospital at all or can we expect another blowback. The Mars version of Horizon?"

"No, we're good. I think."

"You think." He said it like a statement, though it was implied like a question. Shepard wasn't sure. She wanted them to be good. After her last visit with him in the hospital it seemed like they were going to be good. But nothing is ever that simple.

"I don't know, Garrus. I want it to be okay, but… we're different people now."

"Maybe. But does that really make a difference?" He got up, his food long since finished, and headed toward the sink. "I mean, you may think you're different people now, but I bet you spent as much time checking out Kaidan's ass as you did chewing out his ass on Mars."

"Garrus!"

"You think I didn't notice that on all those missions before? Please, Shepard. I was a damn good C-Sec agent even before you met me. I notice everything," he stated nonchalantly while washing off his dishes.

Shepard shook her head incredulously. "I was not checking him out. We had a mission."

"Uh-huh." Garrus wasn't convinced and Shepard couldn't help but laugh.

"He does have a nice ass…"

"Alright, I didn't need to actually hear that." The turian put the dishes away and started toward the main battery.

"You brought it up!"

"Right, and now you can just sit by yourself and think about that for awhile."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Garrus just waved his arm in dismissal at her as he walked off. "You do know that you're suiting up for this mission right? Garrus? Garrus!"


	6. Spectre Alenko

Missing Moments: Spectre Alenko

The summit had arisen quite a few concerns and Shepard felt like she was biting off far more than she could chew. Though Mordin was a welcome presence back on the ship, he was consumed with creating a cure for the genophage and every conversation led back to his patient. Shepard did enjoy hearing him sing again though, even if it was just in passing. She noticed that he sang quite a bit more often than before as well. Eve was interesting and so different from the other krogan Shepard knew. Wrex and Grunt were nothing like her. She wasn't sure exactly what she had expected in a female krogan, but it wasn't what Eve was. Shepard thought that was rather a good thing though.

Mordin needed some medical supplies that they could only get on the Citadel after the base on Surkesh had been destroyed by Cerberus. Though Shepard and her squad had cleared most of the Cerberus agents out, she worried that more might have attempted to invade the STG base. Hopefully, the salarians would be able to fend them off. If not, she didn't have the time or resources to be fighting Cerberus on every front. It seemed like they were dogging her wherever she went though. At least they hadn't attacked Earth or the Citadel. She did worry what the Illusive Man was up to, and where she would encounter Cerberus next.

The Citadel would also be an important stop to stocking up on more rations now that both the Primarch and Wrex were staying on board until the genophage issue had been resolved. Wrex alone required quite the supply in rations. If that was one thing she hadn't missed when she first got back the Normandy, it was having to feed a krogan crew member. But James was taking care of that, which left Shepard with a little time for herself. For her part, she wanted to check up on Kaidan. He had been released from the hospital the last time she came, which meant if she could find him anywhere, it would be at the embassies.

Shepard visited the Spectre requisitions office, but there wasn't any trace of Kaidan. She knew he'd said something about finding his students, but it hadn't been much to go on. Her only other option would be to ask the council, or more specifically Udina. He did after all, offer Kaidan the position. Udina should have some idea of how he was doing and if his mission was going well. She crossed the hall to his office.

"Something I can help you with, Shepard?" Udina asked sourly. It seemed either she was interrupting something important, or he just wasn't happy to see her. Shepard guessed it was probably both. "I've already gotten your reports on the situation with the summit. I trust you'll do what is necessary to get the turian and krogan support we'll need to take back Earth."

"I will. I also wanted to check up on Spectre Alenko's status. We could use his expertise on the placement of some biotic students we rescued from Grissom Academy."

"Don't try to pull the wool over my eyes, Shepard. I know about your relationship with the Major back on the SR1. Don't think that the Alliance has forgotten your history together. And if I'm any judge, I'd say your interest in Spectre Alenko's whereabouts has nothing to do with his biotic expertise."

Shepard folded her arms across her chest and gave him a slight glare. "Alright then, if we're being candid - where _is_ the Major?"

"Spectre Alenko is safe, that's all you need to know for now. Besides, you have more pressing things to worry about."

"I think I deserve more than a copout." Shepard stared him down, her resolve unrelenting. Udina rubbed his head before responding.

"I can see that you're going to be unreasonable," he started and Shepard frowned. "Unfortunately, I don't have any current information on Major Alenko's whereabouts. He left with an Alliance frigate three days ago and isn't due back to report his findings for over a week. As you know from being a Spectre yourself, he has full authority and complete autonomy. I may have recruited him to the Spectres, but I have no more information on him than the rest of the council."

"In addition, I don't have any more information on your missions than what you supply to us as well," Udina nearly sneered the comment. "If and when the Major decides to report in, I'll have more information for you, but until then I'm just as in the dark as you are. For now, I can't help you."

Shepard scoffed. "Even if you did have the information, would you tell me?"

"I have no reason to keep that information from you, Shepard. You're with the Alliance again not to mention the Spectre leading the war effort as well. It would benefit no one to keep the Major's status hidden from you. Now, if you don't need anything else I have a lot on my schedule that needs attending to."

"I'll leave you to work." Shepard turned and left, disappointed. Though she had been glad Udina had changed over the past year. He at least appeared more approachable now and he always seemed to have humanity's interests at heart. Udina was ambitious, but Earth just might need someone like him to push the council into helping humanity in this war and not just themselves.

It was nearly time to get back to the Normandy. With no information in the Spectre's office or from Udina, she would most likely be better off waiting until Kaidan contacted her. It definitely put a damper on her down time, but they were in a war right now. She had to keep focused. Though she couldn't help but feel let down about not giving Kaidan a proper good-bye. Even though she knew he had his own missions to complete, she could have really used him on the Normandy, both as a soldier and as a friend.

"Commander Shepard! Commander Shepard!" Shepard had nearly reached the elevator when she heard someone calling her name. An asari receptionist was running toward her, a data pad in her hand. Shepard stopped and waited for her to catch up. "Commander Shepard, I'm glad I caught you. I didn't have you scheduled at the embassy today."

"The Normandy's only docked for a couple hours," Shepard replied.

"I understand. Anyway, Spectre Alenko asked to have this message delivered to you after he left." She handed Shepard the data pad.

"Thanks."

Shepard looked at the data pad then turned to get on the elevator. While riding down to the docking levels, she listened to Kaidan's note.

_Shepard,_

_In case you stop by the Citadel before I get back I wanted to let you know that I'm chasing down a few leads on my students. After that, I'm not sure where the council will want me. I know I said I'd like to serve on the Normandy with you, but… I've got to go where I'm needed most. I'm sure you'll get the job done, you always do. I know this is short, but I've got to run. Maybe if we get some down time later… I don't know. Just… take care, Shepard._

_Kaidan _

Just like always, Kaidan was leaving himself with a way out. That much hadn't changed. Shepard smiled, remembering how he tiptoed around any mention of them getting together while serving on the SR1. One moment he'd be decisive and the next he'd be backing off. And here he was doing it again. Shepard hoped this was a sign that things were getting back to normal between them. Now if only she could manage to arrange some of that down time with him.


	7. On Her Watch

Missing Moments: On Her Watch

Wrex and Eve had already left and the shuttle was on standby to pick up the squad. Shepard gazed out over the wasteland of Tuchanka. Everything seemed so quiet now, like the planet itself was giving homage to its saviors. To Kalros…. To Mordin. She felt the dust between her fingers again, remembering the way the genophage cure lit up the sky. Shutting her eyes, she could imagine Mordin's last words… _Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong._ There were no tears, no cries of mourning. Just… silence.

Someone walked up beside her. Shepard turned for a moment to see who it was and James strode up to stand beside her. He didn't say anything. She focused on the horizon, the seemingly endless sea of rock and rubble. Shepard lost yet another member of her crew. Even though Mordin had rejoined the Salarian Special Tasks Group, he would always remain a part of the Normandy as far as she was concerned. After what he went through finding Maelon here on Tuchanka all those months ago, somehow it seemed fitting that Mordin died curing the genophage. It didn't make it any easier to lose him though.

"Do you think there are any beaches here on Tuchanka?" Shepard finally broke the silence.

"Planning on going for a swim, Lola?" James tried to joke, but even he sounded a little bit sad.

"Just wondering if this place has any seashells."

James looked at her somewhat confused for a few moments then gazed back out to the wasteland. He shifted, not uncomfortably but to simply balance himself out better. After a few minutes he looked back at her worriedly. "You gonna be okay, Lola?"

"Yeah, James. I'll be fine."

He didn't believe her. "You don't sound like you're fine. I mean, for someone who summoned a giant worm to take down a reaper, you should be out celebrating or telling stories or something."

Shepard's gaze dropped to the ground. "I lost a friend today, James. A victory in one battle against the reapers doesn't change that."

"No, I guess it doesn't. But, at least Mordin died a hero. I don't know if that's any consolation. Sure as hell doesn't feel like it makes losing a friend easier to swallow, but it's something, no?"

"Yeah, it's something."

He waited for her to decide that it was time to go, but she just stood there. "It's more than that though, isn't it?"

Shepard shook her head. "I'm just tired of losing people on my watch."

"You lost a lot of soldiers, Lola?"

Her eyes hardened as she remembered the people she'd lost. The soldiers she barely knew getting shot down during the Blitz, Jenkins on Eden Prime, Ashley on Virmire and now Mordin on Tuchanka. It never got any easier. In fact, it seemed to get harder. The people she had started losing after serving on the Normandy, they weren't just soldiers under her command anymore. They were her friends.

"Yeah, you could say that."

"That's rough. I know how that feels. Even when you win… it just doesn't feel like winning when you lose people you know."

"No, it doesn't." Shepard looked back at the shuttle. The Primarch would be waiting for the news and they still had a long way to go before they were ready to return to Earth. Plus Hackett and Anderson would need to be updated on the situation. She thought again about Ash's sacrifice on Virmire and about Mordin's here on Tuchanka. She had to go on. She had to see this through. And it had to be her. Because someone else might get it wrong.

"Come on, James. We've got work to do." Shepard strode confidently back to the shuttle, her will unwavering. She'd make sure their deaths counted, that their sacrifices wouldn't be in vain. She'd make the reapers pay for this.

"Right behind you, Lola. We all are."


	8. Normandy's Memorial Wall

Missing Moments: Normandy's Memorial Wall

The report was disheartening. Over 300 casualties and over a hundred injured. Huerta Memorial was already near peak capacity before the coup, due to all the war refugees; and now this. Shepard shut her eyes and shook her head. How were they supposed to fight a war when humanity's own councilor betrays them to Cerberus? It just didn't make any sense. They should all be pulling together, not ripping each other apart.

Traynor left Thane's memorial plate on her desk and she stared at the embossed lettering. Was this all that was left of him? All that was left of Mordin and Ash? After everything they did… were all heroes reduced to metal plates to remember them by? History would remember Thane as the man who saved the salarian councilor during this time of war, but what about the man himself? Who would remember the drell as he truly was? Shepard opened a new file and began to type everything she remembered about him, like she had done before with those that had gone before him.

Hours later she leaned back in her chair, finally finished. It didn't do him justice, words could never replace actually knowing him, after knowing any of them. But it was something. Something more than a metal plate. All that was left for her to do was to add his name to the wall. She picked it up tentatively, feeling it chill her hand. The same chill she felt when she added Jenkin's name to the wall… Ash's name… Mordin's name. Shepard grit her teeth_. No more_, she thought. _I can't lose any more of my people to this._

Time stretched on in the elevator as she remembered each of them in their last moments. Jenkin's gunned down without a chance. Ashley holding the line down in Virmire. Mordin sacrificing himself to cure the very genophage he helped modify. Thane saving the councilor from Kai Leng. Jenkin's death had felt so pointless. She'd been through many of those with soldiers under her command. But the rest, at least they died doing what they believed in. At least they had a chance to make their sacrifice count.

The doors swished open and she smiled when she remembered how enthusiastic Jenkin's had been. How stubborn Ash could be and how proud she felt when Ash finally spoke to Garrus, Wrex, and Tali. How quirky Mordin was and how it always made her smile when she heard him singing. How calm Thane appeared and the depth she found in him after just a few short conversations. The wall had so many more names. Pressly, her old XO. Talitha, who worked on the bridge in analysis. Too many names.

Shepard didn't know how long she stood there, just reading them. Remembering them, their faces, the parts they played in her crew. Like a solemn lullaby the hum of the Normandy kept her lost in her own thoughts. So much so that she hadn't realized anyone had joined her until she felt a warm hand on her shoulder.

"You okay, Shepard?" Kaidan asked softly.

She sighed. No, she wasn't okay. She hadn't been okay in a long time. But everyone needed her to be strong. She needed herself to be strong.

"I'm fine, Kaidan. Just thinking about some people is all."

Shepard didn't need to turn around to see him frown. She felt it through his fingers, in the way he shifted closer to her, in the disappointment in his voice when he finally spoke.

"Well, you know I'm here for you…if you need a shoulder to lean on."

She noticed he didn't say to cry on. No one on the Normandy had seen her cry, she had always kept her emotions in check after Elysium. Not that she felt she could cry even if she wanted to. It was just too hard to allow the tears to fall, to actually mourn those she lost. And she just didn't have the strength to do it. If she started, she might well never stop. She lifted the plate and rubbed across the letters. _No more_, she promised herself. With that, she slipped Thane's plate in his spot on the Normandy.

Kaidan's hand fell off her shoulder and she suddenly felt cold. He sighed and she heard him turn to leave.

"You know you're not in this alone, Shepard."

"I know."


	9. Garrus Plays Matchmaker

Missing Moments: Garrus plays Matchmaker

Kaidan sat in the mess, staring at his plate. His stomach felt empty, but not for lack of food. He reached his hand to his head, he could feel a headache coming on yet he wanted to ignore it. She wouldn't let him comfort her at all. Maybe she _was_ mad at him. After the standoff… at least Shepard had put her gun down. At least she had trusted him. She said it was okay, that she understood. But he wasn't sure that was true. If the situation were the other way around… he wasn't sure what he would have done, but he knew how he would have felt. And that was betrayed. How could he be sure she really felt any different?

He almost… would he have pulled the trigger? Could he have pulled the trigger? The answer broke his heart. If she hadn't put her gun down first… he was sure what he thought, what his reaction would have been. He believed Udina when he said she was still with Cerberus. It made sense at the time. The only thing that saved him from making the worst mistake in his life was that Shepard had trusted _him_. After all the times he'd doubted her, questioned her, fought with her about her choices… she still trusted him. She had no reason to anymore, yet she still did.

His chest ached; his head was starting to throb. All this thinking and speculation was pointless because they _didn't_ have to shoot each other. She saved them both. Shepard was always saving them. Maybe that's what made it worse. That she was always the one who had to make the peace. Even with him. How could she believe in him after all this? He was glad that she did and so relieved that she wanted him back on the Normandy, but after what he pulled on her… Kaidan clenched his fist. He was so sure he had gotten over this at the hospital, that he trusted her again. It made him sick that he questioned her yet again when push came to shove.

Kaidan was so focused on his thoughts that he ignored the crews' coming and going around him. Garrus had sat down across the table from him, but Kaidan didn't feel much like saying hello. He should; Garrus was an old friend and they had their differences, but the turian had always been there when it counted. Kaidan's mood soured worse when thinking about how Garrus stood by Shepard's side when he wouldn't. Back on Horizon, even on the Citadel… Garrus heard everything, he knew exactly how it all went down. He knew exactly what he said to Shepard when he finally saw her alive, knew exactly what could have happened if Shepard hadn't put her gun down on the Citadel.

Garrus had left Kaidan with his thoughts and had even eaten most of his food before he leaned forward. "She's not mad, you know."

"What?"

"You've got the look on your face of a man who's just realized he's made a huge mistake." Garrus grinned, or did what passed for a grin in turians, but only for a moment. He turned serious. "But Shepard isn't mad at you for doing what you believe in."

Kaidan scoffed, "And how would you know if she's mad at me or not?"

"I asked."

Kaidan frowned. Of course Shepard would confide in Garrus. Garrus had always trusted her, always supported her. His brow creased with pain, this time more from his heart than his head. The turian had been there for her far more than he had ever been. He wouldn't be surprised if she left him for Garrus, at least Garrus trusted her and stayed by her side. Garrus watched him for a moment before finishing up his plate.

"She wouldn't have been able to shoot you either."

"I'm guessing you asked her about that too?"

"Yes. And I'm glad you saw reason…" Garrus got up to take his plate back to the sink. "Because _I_ wouldn't have hesitated for a moment if you tried to pull the trigger on her."

That did it. Kaidan's temper flared. He shot up from his seat, grabbing his plate to toss the food even though it was still nearly full. "Did you just come here to gloat? Because you sure as hell aren't making me feel any better!"

Garrus laughed for a second. "Well, maybe a little. Just wanted to make sure you still cared." The turian stared down Kaidan from across table. If they both didn't have plates in their hand, it might have turned into a tussle. But seeing that this wasn't the place for a fist fight, they settled for glaring menacingly at each other. Garrus knew a man in pain when we saw one and Kaidan's anger was obviously not about something anyone else had done. Kaidan was angry with himself, he could see it in his eyes. Garrus knew that feeling all too well.

"That and to let you know that Shepard still cares for you. A lot. Don't ask me why after all the shit you've put her through. She's never been known to take the easy route though, so I suppose that makes you perfect for her."

Kaidan couldn't help to crack a smile at the comment. The tension fizzled from the room and they stood across the table from each other, holding their plates. Garrus let it sink in a little more before shaking his head. He wasn't sure why he was trying to help the man, but if Kaidan made Shepard happy then that was good enough for him. As a leader, he knew it was important to help keep her strong, to make sure she had reasons to fight to her fullest. As her friend, he wanted her to have at least a few happy moments before she had to go back out into the storm.

"Listen, Kaidan, maybe she'll tell you and maybe she won't, but when I talked to her after Horizon, even then she wasn't angry. She said that she was proud of you, of all things."

Kaidan scoffed. "Proud?"

"Yeah, something about being man enough to stand up for what you believe in, even if you were standing against her. Maybe more so because it was her. Not to say that it didn't hurt her, she was _really_ awful for about a week. But Shepard understood why you did what you did."

"Well, if it's any consolation, it wasn't easy."

"Maybe you should tell her that. At any rate, I think the human saying goes that it wouldn't be the high road if it were easy. And maybe, just maybe, you're her high road."

Garrus turned at that and cleaned his plate off into the sink. Kaidan felt his stomach unclench and he couldn't help but smile just a little thinking of Shepard actually being angry enough with anything to make being on the Normandy awful. She was always so composed; he didn't think it possible for her to react badly to anything, let alone something as small as a fight with him. He finally felt like he could eat. Setting down his plate, he took his seat. He still felt bad about what he'd done, but it was a relief to know that Shepard meant what she said. Maybe she didn't want him to comfort her about the death of someone he didn't know, he could understand that. But the thought that she actually was proud of him for yelling at her on Horizon. He shook his head. He'd never understand women.

"So what's the verdict? Did I come down here just to gloat, or did I actually make you feel any better?"

Kaidan chuckled at the turian standing so nonchalantly in the hall. Garrus had always been a good guy, a good friend. And instead of being angry about it anymore, he was glad Shepard at least had him to stand by her through everything that had happened the past year.

"I think a little of both."

Garrus nodded in response. "Don't mention it."

Kaidan grinned mischievously at that. "Are you sure you don't want a medal or something. Garrus the matchmaker?"

"I'm serious, Alenko. Shepard would have my ass if she knew I told you all this."

Kaidan laughed. "So why tell me?"

"Well, she already has my ass anyway." He shook his head, "Why do you think I keep getting suckered into these suicide missions of hers?"

"Alright, I won't mention it." Garrus turned to leave."And Garrus," Kaidan called after him. "Thanks."

Garrus simply raised his hand in response and left for the battery. Kaidan turned to his meal and finally started to eat. It was cold now, but he didn't care. There was hope after all. Maybe he'd ask Shepard out to dinner later. Apollo Café still served steak. He wondered if Shepard liked steak. Guess he'd just have to find out.


	10. The Invitation

Missing Moments: The Invitation

They'd just finished picking up a Hesperia-period statue from Polissa. Something Shepard had been sure she overheard an asari in the Citadel needing for a special project. Liara had confirmed the period and was already cataloguing it for when they reached the Citadel. If she could get it to the asari, maybe she'd be able to wrap up some more support for the Crucible project. It was a small thing, but she knew that it would take a lot of small steps to gain the support she needed to win this war. Every little bit helped.

"You've got a new message on your private terminal," Traynor chirped as she walked out of the elevator. Shepard barely caught a hint of a smile behind the remark.

"What's going on, Traynor?" Shepard asked as she signed on at the terminal in the CIC.

"Oh, nothing."

Shepard watched her suspiciously out of the corner of her eye. Whatever it was had Traynor in an even cheerier mood than usual. She opened the inbox and saw the top message. It was from Kaidan. Shepard raised her eyebrow at Traynor, who smiled unabashed before heading off. Well, if a rumor about her and Kaidan getting back together wasn't already all over the ship… it would be soon. She opened the file and read his note.

Short, yet sweet. Shepard found herself smiling. She was happy to get the note, but it's not like she wasn't right here on the ship. He could have just asked her. She thought she had made it clear that she was fine with what happened, but Kaidan could be a little thick-headed sometimes. Maybe he thought it was still too soon after their stand-off to ask her in person. Well, it hadn't been soon enough in her mind. She had hoped when he first got out of the hospital that there would have been time to spend a few moments together, to get to know each other again. But Udina had whisked him off so quickly. And when they got back on the Normandy things had just been too busy to take a little down time.

Shepard was determined to set him straight right away. She made her way to the crew deck, thinking about how nice it would be to spend some actual quality time with him. Kaidan had been spending most of his down time in the observation room since he returned to the Normandy. The alliance had turned it into a library and viewing room of sorts, with more seating than they had back when she was stuck with Cerberus. Not that the seating mattered much then. Samara had claimed that room as her own and Shepard couldn't remember a single time when she actually used the chairs.

The doors hissed open and she spotted him immediately, sitting on the couch, data pad in hand. He turned to look at her and smiled. Shepard folded her arms across her chest and gave him a slightly punishing glare. Kaidan suddenly looked worried, like a school-boy about to get a scolding for skipping class. She almost laughed, he could be so adorable. She smiled at that, and he relaxed.

"So… I got your message." Shepard waited.

"And?"

Shepard shook her head. "You could just ask me in person, you know. I am on the ship, not light years away."

"Maybe, but…" Kaidan let the thought trail off.

"But…"

He set down the data pad and stood up. "I didn't want to bother you if you're too busy."

"Kaidan," Shepard closed the gap between them and looked him in those deep hazel eyes.

"Look, Shepard. I haven't been around you like this for… a long while. You've met people, done things… hell you destroyed the Collector homeworld… and maybe… I don't know. I..."

"You still don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?" He genuinely seemed at a loss and she couldn't help but smile as she shook her head.

"I'm not down here because I'm angry with you. I came down here to tell you that I _want_ you to 'bother' me."

She'd only seen him blush a couple other times. It had been so long ago, back on the SR1. The effect was just as endearing now as it had been then. He chuckled softly, obviously caught off guard. Kaidan smiled then and brushed a strand of hair from her face. He took his time, and Shepard enjoyed as much as she could of the fleeting moment.

"I guess I can do that." He cleared his throat. "So, uh, Shepard?"

"Yes, Kaidan?"

"Would you like to catch a snack with me on the Citadel?" He laid out all the charm on that one. His slight head tip, those puppy dog eyes, that sly grin.

Shepard smiled mischievously, "I don't know, Major. Haven't you heard? I've got a galaxy to save."

He laughed. "Oh, is that the way you're going to play it then? I guess I deserved that. Well, I hear saving the galaxy is tough work. And best I figure, you'll need a few decent meals to get the job done right. So… how about that dinner?"

"Alright. But only because you blushed earlier."

"Did I? Well, I can't help it if you have that effect on me." He stepped back, away from her and sat back down on the couch. "I've got some reports to finalize, but… I'll be looking forward to our date."

Shepard smiled and watched him for a few moments as he worked before heading back up to the CIC. Dinner at the Citadel couldn't come soon enough.


	11. Pep Talks

Missing Moments: Pep Talks

The Normandy would reach the Citadel in just another hour. Kaidan sighed in front of the men's bathroom mirror, glad that he was alone. His nerves tingled and his stomach fluttered. He smiled, recited a few lines, then shook his head. Shepard had always been easy to talk to. She was great at starting conversations and then simply listening as he chatted away. He shouldn't have felt this nervous. It was like he'd never been on a date before. _Ridiculous_, he told himself. _I'm being ridiculous_. _Everything will be fine_.

Kaidan's inner pep talk didn't help much though, and standing there when any other member of the crew could walk in on his rehearsal would probably only make him feel worse. He took a deep breath and sighed before leaving. _It'll be fine_, he told himself again. _It's just dinner. _He felt his pulse quicken once more. Apparently, he hadn't convinced himself. He thought maybe a stiff drink would help settle him down, but decided against it. He should save that for dinner.

Liara stepped off the elevator just as he was passing down the hall to go back to the observation room. It was quiet and peaceful in there, and if anyplace could help him feel better it was probably at that large window looking out into the galaxy. She looked at him and smiled that shy quiet smile and he nodded in response. But she didn't turn down the hall that would take her to her room.

"Kaidan," Liara sounded concerned. "Are you alright?"

"Of course I am." He tried to sound sincere, but he'd never been a very good liar. Worry was probably written all over his face, otherwise Liara wouldn't have even asked. _Great,_ he thought. _Shepard would notice that for sure then_. Liara pursed her brow and he sighed. "I'm fine, really. Just…" He laughed awkwardly. "Just a little nervous, I guess."

He wanted to leave it at that and started walking again, but Liara followed. The door whooshed open and they both stepped inside. Kaidan shut his eyes, bracing himself before turning around after the door closed and they were alone in the starboard observation room. He wasn't in the mood for Liara's observations, or her advice.

"Did you need something, Liara?" Kaidan decided to get right into it. The quicker the conversation got to the point, the quicker she would leave and maybe he could salvage some time to gain his composure before the Normandy docked.

"Actually, I was about to ask you that." Liara watched his face intently, reading his downward glance, his guarded posture. "You seemed worried about something and… I heard that you and Shepard were supposed to spend some time together on the Citadel."

"Yeah. We're uh, having dinner at the Apollo Café."

"And you're worried that something might go wrong?"

Kaidan sighed, "Something like that. Look Liara, I'm fine, really."

"I am sure you are, Kaidan." Liara smiled. "Shepard cares for you a great deal."

"Yeah, I know. Garrus told me the same thing a couple of days ago."

"Well then, you have nothing to worry about." She waited for his stance to change, for something to tell her that he really was fine, but Kaidan stood there still stewing. "You know, I had never seen her so frightened before. Not when we were chasing down Saren, not when we faced the Shadow Broker."

"What are you talking about?" He asked tersely.

"When you were hurt back on Mars. I thought nothing could scare her. But when she laid you on the med bay table… She was scared, Kaidan."

Kaidan folded his arms. "I'm not sure where this is going."

"Isn't it obvious?" Kaidan's raised brow told her it wasn't and she smiled. "We all need a little more hope right now. This war is slowly draining us and we need something normal, something cheerful to help us get from one day to the next. Seeing you and Shepard together, you give us that hope. And you here with her, gives her hope."

Kaidan sighed. "No pressure, right?"

"It's more than that. Shepard needs you right now. She is always there for everyone else. Everyone is counting on her to find a way to end this war. It's a large burden she has been asked to carry. She needs someone to be there for her as well, now more than ever."

"And the stakes keep getting higher, don't they." Kaidan shook his head.

Liara gave him a malevolent smile. "I could add in that if you break her heart again, I will flay you alive… with my mind."

Kaidan let out a nervous chuckle, "Well, I guess it's a good thing that thought never crossed my mind then. Listen Liara, I want to be here for Shepard. I'm trying to be here for her now."

"Good." Liara appeared satisfied. She watched him for a moment, before turning to leave. "Then dinner should be the least of your worries."

"Right…" Liara hadn't exactly made him feel any better, though her short lecture did make him forget about being nervous. He wasn't sure that was a good thing, since it had been replaced with a small sense of dread. Being the Shadow Broker had certainly changed her. He wasn't sure if it was a good change or a bad change yet though. He turned and looked out the window and watched the stars. Before he knew it, the ship's barriers rippled as the Normandy came out of FTL and the Citadel's giant arms filled the view.

Kaidan made his way to the airlock, but the hall outside the door was already crowded. He couldn't see Shepard, though he supposed she might wait to go to shore until the rest of the crew had left. Waiting patiently, he watched as the slew of servicemen followed James out onto the docking bay. Most everyone had gone off-board by the time Shepard showed up. He smiled as she approached.

"Shepard," Kaidan said as she neared the airlock doors.

"Kaidan," she replied.

"So, did you want to head to the Café now or were you planning on stocking up the armory first?" He asked as he fell in step beside her. Kaidan missed this. He had forgotten just how much he missed simply walking with her around the Citadel. It seemed like a life time ago. When he really thought about it, the last time they were together like this on the Citadel had been before Ilos three years ago. For Shepard, that _was_ a lifetime ago.

"You know me, I've got to work up my appetite," she replied with a smirk. She stopped suddenly though and Kaidan followed her gaze to the viewing platform. Through the passersby he could make out their shuttle pilot leaning on the railing.

"Hey, is that Steve?"

Shepard's smile disappeared. "Why don't you go on ahead and I'll meet you at the café in a few minutes."

"Sure, Shepard." He watched her as she walked away toward Steve, her face saddened. He remembered James had said something about Steve losing his husband to Collectors. Kaidan sighed and looked around. There were plenty of gloomy faces everywhere he turned. Refugees filled the waiting lounge and as he headed toward the elevator he overheard a heartbreaking goodbye between a turian and his asari wife. This war had robbed them all of so much.

After seeing the situation on the dock, Kaidan felt depressed. He had been so anxious about his dinner with Shepard. Now he felt guilty for not being out on the front doing more. He knew that the crew needed the shore leave though, even if it was only for a day. He knew that he needed it. That Shepard needed it. But that didn't make him feel any less guilty about taking this small reprieve. Once the elevator doors opened, the scenery changed.

The Presidium commons was bright and sunny, however still in bad need of repair. Bullet holes riddled the walls, advertisements fizzled on their panels, yet people still gathered there. Everyone was talking about the war now. The reaper conflict had finally found its way to the Presidium. The closer he got to the courtyard though, the more lighthearted the conversations began to be. He looked out into the center waterways. Everything looked so peaceful from here.

Kaidan glanced around and picked a table off to the side that had a nice view of both the waterways and the Presidium courtyard. A salarian waiter brought him a menu and he asked for another so that Shepard would have one when she joined him. As he looked through the selection, he felt his pulse quicken again. Kaidan took a deep breath_. It'll be fine,_ he told himself. Thoughts of the war started to weigh heavily on him and Liara's insight echoed in the back of his mind. It just made him feel even more anxious.

Kaidan felt like a bottle of twisted up nerves and Shepard seemed to be taking a while. He checked his watch. Had it really only been 5 minutes since he picked their seats? He rubbed the back of his neck and shut his eyes. _It's just dinner._ His pep talk wasn't helping. He was sure his mood was going to ruin their date. Kaidan looked down at the menu again to try and take his mind off the war and off being nervous. When he looked up, Shepard was walking toward the table. She smiled when she saw him. And suddenly, everything was okay.


	12. Helping Hand

Missing Moments: Helping Hand

"So I guess our sanity check time is over?" Kaidan asked sheepishly after the waiter returned his credit chit. Shepard had tried to pay for the meal, but he didn't really want her to despite the joke earlier. After everything that had happened to her and after everything that had happened between the two of them, he wanted her to be the one who was taken care of for once. She didn't argue, and he was glad of that.

Shepard smiled. She didn't want their dinner to be over yet. What she wanted was more moments like this one, more time to just be with him. She wanted to talk about anything other than the war, the reapers, and the state of the galaxy. But she was needed. Shepard knew this. Kaidan knew it. And their small reprieve would unfortunately have to be just that… small. She got up and sighed.

"For now," she said, hoping that they would have a least a few more opportunities like this one in the near future. "I've got to pick up some new armor specs before we get back to the Normandy. Plus Garrus mentioned he and James would _really_ like some extra rifle mods."

Shepard said it with her very best Garrus impression while standing up, which made Kaidan chuckle just a bit. He could imagine Garrus leaning against a wall, nonchalantly making requests from her. She was a pushover for her crew, ever since Feros. Maybe even before that. At first he was sure that Shepard was simply doing her best to take care of the squad's needs, to keep everyone at their best. But over time, her crew became more than simply her soldiers. They were her friends.

He loved that about her, but worried about how it would affect her as well. An officer who got too close to her crew would have a hard time making those tough calls. He'd hate for Shepard to have to go through another Virmire. How did someone pick between which friend to save and which to let die? It was a decision he hoped he would never have to make. But at the same time, he couldn't stand that the burden was left to the woman he loved. At that thought, he realized if he could take that burden from her, even if it hurt him to do so, then he would do it without a second thought.

Kaidan perked up. "You need some help with that?"

Shepard didn't have to be asked twice. "Sure."

"You know my vindicator could use a few new mods as well."

"And here I thought you were coming along for the company," she smirked at him playfully.

"What and miss out on weapons shopping with a beautiful woman?" He pushed in his chair and they walked toward the market.

Shepard raised her eyebrow, "I thought men hated shopping."

"Well, like I said… weapons shopping."

"Uh-huh."

"That and with a beautiful woman."

"Beautiful, huh?" Shepard asked, knowing full well what Kaidan thought. It was just so nice to hear it out loud. In fact she had felt heat rise up in her cheeks when he said it the first time. Probably not enough to make her actually blush, but she did have to admit it really pleased her to hear him say it.

He chuckled almost shyly, "You know you're beautiful, Shepard."

"You know I don't actually get told that very often." Strangely the compliment made her giddy inside. She had never been one to worry much about her looks. An enemy doesn't care what shade of eye shadow she's wearing when she's gunning him down. Of course, it also didn't matter how nice she looked in a battle where after the first few minutes she'd be sweating and occasionally even getting bloodied up.

She remembered her first drill sergeant yelling at the top of his lungs at her. _Shepard, are you here to KILL the enemy or WOO him? Get your ass back to the barracks and CLEAN UP! You are NOT here for date! We are NOT making an Alliance InfoVid!You WILL be getting dirty! Now clear OFF that sissy paint and get messed up like a REAL soldier! _It was her first day in training. She had just wanted to make a good impression. Fortunately, she learned quickly. Once she reached officer ranks, it was expected of her to look well presented. She did take to heart some of his advice though and never much worried about how she looked when dropping down for a mission.

"Well," Kaidan started to answer. "You are also the legendary Commander Shepard. Kind of hard to just walk up and tell someone like that how nice they look, don't you think?"

"Maybe for someone else, but this is you."

"Is there a request for something in that statement, Commander?" Kaidan asked.

"I think you can figure that out, Major," she teased.

He gave a little nervous laugh, "I guess I'll work on that then."

They rounded the last steps and took a look at the Kassa Fabrications Kiosk. Mostly armor, but there were a few worthwhile mods. Kaidan walked about, checking the various shop kiosks for his weapons' upgrades. Shepard couldn't help but pay more attention to watching him than to what she was looking for. He had this intense look of concentration once he found a couple mods that he wanted. Obviously he was having a hard time picking between the two. While he stewed, Shepard took a quick moment to figure out what she was getting.

By the time she'd made her purchases, Kaidan had decided on one and they walked up the steps to another section of the marketplace. After all, James and Garrus still needed some mods for their weapons. Shepard found a new scope she was sure Garrus would love and Kaidan suggested a new barrel attachment for Vega's shot gun. Once they finished, they started back through the Presidium.

"So… you know what I think about you," Kaidan started. "Can I ask what you think of me?"

"What do you mean?" Shepard shifted the data pad in her hand. The mods would be delivered within the hour.

He rubbed the back of his neck, "I mean, I know that you care about me Shepard. But do you…"

Shepard smirked mischievously and Kaidan laughed.

"I guess I'll take that as a yes for now."

"I do miss some of your other biotic skills though," Shepard mused.

"My biotic… what do my biotics have to do with this?" Kaidan looked completely confused. And his eyebrow went up in suspicion even more when Shepard gave him another sultry smile.

"You know, the way you used to toss guys across the room in the middle of a battle. Or when you'd lift half the crates in a warehouse." Shepard reminisced almost dreamily. "Come on, Kaidan. Are you telling me you honestly didn't know how hot it was to see you do all that?" His deep red blush said he didn't. "And here I thought you were doing it on purpose the whole time."

Kaidan's blush faded a little. "Well, maybe I did do some of it to impress you. But, I didn't…"

"You didn't realize exactly how much your biotics made an impression on me?"

"You could say that."

Shepard tapped a few things on the data pad to double check the status of the rest of the provisions Traynor had organized. "So, what did happen to those other skills. I mean, I only ever see you use your barrier and reave anymore."

"I can still do all that, I just… I guess I just fight a bit differently now is all." Kaidan was thoughtful for a moment. "Of course I could give you a private demonstration if you miss them that much."

It was Shepard's turn to blush this time and Kaidan smiled victoriously at that. "I just might take you up on that offer, Major."

"Might?"

Shepard laughed then winked at him. "If you're lucky."


	13. Advice

Missing Moments: Advice

Kaidan stood at the table in the shuttle bay, buffing out another scuff on his armor plating. Luckily with his barrier he didn't need to do this nearly as often as Garrus or James, but he knew it would be negligent of him to simply ignore the little damage his armor did get. A cracked seal could cost him a serious injury or worse later down the line if he had to fight in toxic or low atmo conditions. If Kaidan was anything, he was careful.

He shook his head at himself. _Yeah, careful_, he thought. Joker had told him about Shepard's advice, about how the pilot should just go for it, even if it was with their ship's AI. Though with that body it seemed EDI was more human than computer now. Jeff had even suggested to him much the same. _Just go for it, Kaidan. Come on, with the reapers attacking and Earth invaded, you've got a lot worse things to worry about than messing up your relationship with Shepard. If we all die on the next mission, what would you regret? _

Applying an extra coat of sealant, Kaidan thought about that last remark. He knew he'd regret not taking every extra moment he could find with Shepard. Then why was he down here, making armor repairs rather than up in her cabin? He sighed. Because he's careful. Because if he doesn't make sure he's completely prepared for whatever comes, he won't make it to the next mission. Because if he moves too fast with Shepard, he might ruin things before this war is even over. He had to believe there was going to be something after all this. That earth could be saved. That the galaxy could be free of the reapers. That he and Shepard had a chance for an actual life together.

Kaidan realized that what he wanted wasn't just to be with Shepard right now. He wanted to be with her until the end of his days. He wanted to know that wherever he went, she was close by. That after every mission she would be there, buffing armor and checking weapons right beside him. He could die in this war and have no regrets if she was simply there with him at the end. He wanted more than that though. He wanted to build a house with her in Vancouver. Show her his dad's orchards. Hell, he wanted her to be able to just even meet his parents. His mom never fully understood why he held on so hard to Shepard after she died, but his dad… His dad told him to take as long as he needed.

Not that his mom was cold, she just never saw Shepard the way he saw her. He remembered the first time he told her about Shepard, back when serving on the SR1 just a little while before that last mission on Ilos.

"_That war hero, Kaidan? Oh sweetheart, a woman like that doesn't have room in her life for a long-term relationship, let alone settling down and making a family."_

"_I'm not exactly thinking about settling down and starting a family myself, mom," he tried to protest._

"_Well you should be! You're 32 Kaidan. You should be thinking of your future. Find a nice young woman who's willing to support you when you go off world," she pushed again, like so many times before._

"_Like you did for dad, yeah I know ma."_

"_This Shepard may be an amazing woman like you say, but she's only going to break your heart in the long run," she lectured. "Women like her are wed to their careers. She'll choose duty over family every time. You can't seriously consider being with someone like that. What about that one girl, oh what was her name… Elissa, yes! What about Elissa? She has a stable job as a tech assistant right here in Vancouver. Plus…"_

"_Mom, please, don't start this again… Can't you just say that Shepard sounds great or that you can't wait to meet her? I'm putting my life on the line out here and I've finally found someone that I feel close to. And I think… I think she might feel the same way."_

"_I just don't know why you keep putting yourself into situations like this. Wasn't it bad enough that they dragged you off to BAaT? Then you had to go and join the Alliance anyway…"_

"_I thought you were proud that I did that ma."_

"_I __**am**__ proud of you, Kaidan honey. I just… I just want to you be happy."_

"_I am happy, ma." The other end was silent for a while. He knew what she wanted, he'd always known. She just wanted him to settle down with a nice girl and make a family. Partly because she wanted grandchildren, most of her friends had grandchildren already, but also because he was the only child she was ever able to have. He'd had a hard life, but he didn't regret it. He knew she hated that life hadn't been kind to him. But he was okay with it. Dad understood, but Mom…_

"_I'm glad to hear you're happy, Kaidan," his mom at least sounded sincere. He could tell this was hard for her, but she was trying and that's what mattered. "Maybe… maybe if you both get a chance to visit Earth on your next furlough? Your father and I would love to meet Shepard in person." She perked up a little more. "It's not every day we get to meet a war hero after all."_

"_Or a Spectre," Kaidan replied._

_She laughed just a little at that. "Or a Spectre," she added. "Oh Kaidan dear… just… just be careful."_

He was always careful. Always had been. The confident clomping of a turian brought him out of his reverie. Kaidan could tell it was Garrus coming out of the elevator. The turian had a certain step, a kind of almost swagger in the way he walked that was unmistakable and distinctly his. Kaidan barely smiled and shook his head. Even from the walk he could tell Garrus was one happy guy right now, though why was anyone's guess. Shepard had told him that Garrus wanted to do something on the Citadel with her. She guessed drinking at the bar, but Garrus wasn't walking like he'd been drinking. For a second, Kaidan was a little jealous… and worried.

"Looks like someone's in a good mood," Cortez stated as Garrus strut up to the procurement kiosk.

Garrus laughed, "I am because I just beat the legendary Commander Shepard in a shoot off on top of the Citadel!" He annunciated each word with weighted meaning then glanced over at Kaidan. "You hear that Alenko? It is official! Garrus Vakarian is a better shot than Commander Shepard!"

Kaidan waved him off, "Come on Garrus, I've seen Shepard shoot. She probably let you win."

"Whatever!" James retorted. "Shepard doesn't let anyone win." Vega dropped his head and sounded a little sheepish. "I should know."

"She only smacks you down when you need it, Vega," Kaidan smirked. He'd heard about James and Shepard's tussle and how she took him down without him getting a single real hit on her. "Shepard lets her friends win sometimes. She likes to see our 'victory' faces."

"Don't try to taint my victory, Kaidan. It won't work." He hugged his sniper rifle close to his face. "After this mission, I'm bronzing this baby."

James laughed loudly then cheered, "Experience victory vicariously through Vakarian!"

"Damn right!" Garrus added.

"Because shooting bottles is tantamount to killing reapers," Cortez added shaking his head with a smile.

"Bottles are smaller than reapers. If I can hit them, then reaper heads will be all the easier to scope and drop," Garrus replied.

"Right, because reapers don't shoot back or move randomly across the battlefield," Kaidan said sarcastically.

"Don't try to hide behind your snarky remarks, humans. I know you're all just jealous that it took a _turian_ vigilante to beat the infamous Commander Shepard," Garrus purred.

"At shooting bottles," Cortez added.

But nothing was going to ruin Garrus' day and Kaidan was glad. The turian had been through a lot. He'd heard from Chakwas what had happened to him when Shepard found him back on Omega. Garrus needed more moments like this when he was genuinely happy. With the war on… Kaidan remembered overhearing Garrus being worried about his family on Palaven. He knew what that was like. He worried about his own parents back on Earth. They all needed a pick up me. It made him love Shepard even more being the one to give it to them.

As he thought about it though, who was there to give Shepard a pick me up? They all stood beside her on the battle field and supported her, but when he thought about it, she was always the one to come check on them. She was always the initiator. It was more than simply keeping the ship and crew going, she was quite literally involved actively in all their lives. She asked them questions, was genuinely concerned about all of them. Did anyone do the same for her? He assumed that Anderson or Hackett did, but it couldn't be the same. They weren't on the ship and communications were always short.

Kaidan was thinking so hard about it that he didn't realize Garrus had been buffing up his rifle next to him already. Garrus had his turian grin plastered on his face like a battle trophy and when Kaidan finally looked across to see him, he had to chuckle. Garrus grinned even wider.

"Just curious," Kaidan started. "But what does Shepard do for her own R&R?"

"You don't know?" Garrus asked incredulously. Kaidan's brows creased. No, he didn't really and he already felt a little bad about that. The guy that claims to love her doesn't even know what she does in her spare time.

"I haven't been around her much the past few years. Ever since…"

"Ever since the SR1 went down. I know Kaidan, I just like to make you squirm a little." Garrus teased. Kaidan rubbed the back of neck. The turian did always seem to know exactly which buttons to push to make him question himself. But Garrus wasn't a malicious kind of guy. He seemed to always have some optimistic come back if you could get past all the gruff.

"So… what _does_ she like to do? I mean, if I wanted to take her out or something."

"Just don't take her dancing," Garrus joked. Kaidan shook his head. He never quite understood why everyone thought she was such a bad dancer. She wasn't too terrible. Or, well… at least that volus at the Flux didn't dance as well as she did. He sighed inwardly. After this war, he was probably going to have to convince her to take some dance lessons, just so that she could get through the victory celebrations. After all, there would be actual vids of the victory celebrations.

Garrus went on a moment later though, this time more serious. "Honestly… I don't know what Shepard does in her spare time. I'm not even sure she really has any. Between missions, briefings, reports, and how she _always_ takes it upon herself to check up on every crew member on her ship… I'd say she just doesn't have down time."

Cortez chipped in, "Or it could be that she likes spending her down time with her crew."

"That could be it too," Garrus agreed.

"At any rate, if you want to take the Commander out, I'm sure she won't care where you go," Cortez surmised. "So long as you spend time with her, that's what will matter."

Cortez looked a little heartbroken for a brief second. No doubt remembering past moments with his husband before he died. Kaidan remembered feeling that same way about Shepard, except that he didn't have very many moments to remember. That was part of why it hurt so bad. He didn't want that to happen this time around. He wanted to make more of those little moments with her while he still had the chance.

"Didn't you take her out to dinner a little while ago?" Garrus asked.

"Well yeah, but I can't take her out to the same place every time," Kaidan replied. Garrus gave him a mischievous look. "What?"

"Well?" the turian drawled out.

"We just talked," Kaidan answered, his brow rising in slight disapproval at Garrus' obvious implication.

"Dammit. And here I was hoping to get the jump on T'Soni for the juicy gossip," Garrus cursed playfully.

James chuckled, "Yeah, good luck with that."

Kaidan shook his head and Garrus finished shining up his prized sniper rifle. The turian turned to Kaidan before leaving for the main battery. "Really Kaidan, all you'd have to do is talk with her. Spend time with her here on the ship or take a tour of the Citadel. With all that's going on, she could use the distraction once in a while."

"Maybe I'll do that." Kaidan thought about where he could take Shepard on the Citadel that she would enjoy. Maybe he'd take her to the fountains the next time they were on the Citadel. Until then, he'd have to make time to check up on her more often between missions on the ship. The starboard observation room was always good. It had a great view. Then again, he'd never actually been up in Shepard's cabin before. Most everyone else had been up there to talk to her about something or other and he had no idea what it even looked like. Well, he'd have to bring that up to her… soon.


	14. Stolen Moments

Missing Moments: Stolen Moments

The Normandy felt quiet, its low hum reverberating through the halls. Kaidan reveled in living on a ship. Even when there was nothing going on, it felt busy somehow, alive almost. He supposed for a moment that because EDI was technically part of the ship that the Normandy was in a sense actually alive, but he couldn't wrap his head around it. Instead he focused on listening to the creaking bulkhead and soft hisses of the doors. Like a symphony the sounds of the Normandy complemented each other, moving in time to a rhythm all its own.

Kaidan rode the elevator up to the captain's quarters, having since finished working on his armor and weapons and even managing to take a quick shower. The missions of late had been small, visiting various worlds from tips and gossip about where certain prothean artifacts were and where a few asari squads might have been stranded. These lower risk encounters paid off in more troops and support for the war and even though some of the crew wanted to focus strictly on the big picture, Kaidan was glad that Shepard still wanted to help on every front that she could.

Besides, he felt the relieved reactions in many of the rescued soldiers faces were always well worth the time. After despairing over the drastic casualty reports coming in from every homeworld, it was heartening to be able to save some people. The immediate gratification that came from bringing them onboard or for getting their ships back to the fleet did a lot to boost the morale of the Normandy crew as well as the galactic fleet and the platoons they just rescued. Long term he hoped that all these extra squads would give them an actual fighting chance against the reapers.

He got off the elevator and walked toward Shepard's door. It opened as soon as he came near, which shouldn't have surprised him. The Commander wouldn't lock her door unless she really couldn't be disturbed. But for some reason it felt… off limits. Kaidan shook his head. Of course it wasn't off limits, he knew Shepard kept a very open door policy and always made sure to make time for the crew, but he couldn't help but feel a bit intimidated being up here finally.

As he walked in, the glow of a massive fish tank filled the room, the reflections giving the walls a liquid ambiance. He glanced around, seeing Shepard's large model ship collection and spying a more than decent sized bed near the end of the room. Datapads were scattered here and there. He spotted a bunch near the bed and even more near the desk. Kaidan smiled as he saw Shepard collapsed in her chair, data pad in one hand and her head resting on another.

Shaking his head, he quietly walked over, wondering if she ever got any decent rest since she was falling asleep while reading reports. He gently pulled the report of the Prothean data drives they picked up from Garvug out of her hand. Shepard stirred slightly, but still didn't wake up and Kaidan decided he'd best put her bed. Sleeping like that couldn't possibly be good for her. Leaning over, he put her other arm up over his shoulder then carefully lifted her out of the chair. Almost immediately, her eyes flickered open.

"Hey," Shepard said sleepily. She smiled once she realized what was happening and helped pull herself more comfortably into Kaidan's arms. She noted that he must have just showered, the scent of soap still barely clung to him. Shepard wondered when was the last time she thought soap smelled so damn good. Maybe it was just him.

Kaidan balanced her legs out a bit better in his arms and chuckled a little. He wasn't sure if he should just keep carrying her or put her down. He guessed since her arms were locked pretty firmly around his neck that that meant he was supposed to keep holding her. "I saw you passed out there and… well I thought I'd put you to bed," Kaidan replied a bit awkwardly.

"What are you waiting for then?"

Kaidan chuckled slightly, but it came out more of a nervous cough. "Well now that you're awake I…"

"Don't worry Major, I'll do my best to contain myself," Shepard assured him after seeing his worried look. She held him close, enjoying being in his arms even if it put her at a tactical disadvantage. Shepard wasn't used to people carrying her anywhere. In fact, she couldn't remember the last time it had happened. Even when she was injured she always limped her way to the medics. It was strange, being held up like this. But a nice kind of strange. "I'm guessing you didn't come up here to carry me to bed."

"Ah, well, I came up to check on you… so in a way, I guess this counts as part of that," Kaidan replied.

"We could talk on the couch," Shepard supplied. "That is, if you're still up for checking in on me."

Kaidan gladly took the option and carried her down to the couch. Shepard wasn't sure what the dismounting protocol was for getting down without looking like she was jumping into battle so she was glad when Kaidan leaned down and easily put her on the couch before slipping his arms away and sitting down himself. He leaned back and took a longer look around the room.

"You know, I don't think I've ever seen a CO cabin this large before," Kaidan commented.

"It may be hard to believe but there were a few benefits to working with Cerberus," Shepard mused.

Kaidan scoffed, "Like?"

"Well, rebuilding the Normandy for one. The SR2 is bigger, more powerful, and a beautiful ship besides. Plus I met a lot of people that I might never have known staying in the Alliance. Good people, Kaidan."

"They sounded like a bunch of thugs and murderers in the reports," Kaidan quickly retorted, but the hurt look he saw on Shepard's face made him want to take it back. Garrus wasn't a murderer. Tali wasn't a thug. Did he really have the right to judge the others by what some report claimed they were? Even that drell had visited him in the hospital, Thane. He didn't act like some cold-hearted assassin. He was polite, kind, and thought a great deal of Shepard. Kaidan shook his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

They sat quietly for a little while before Shepard tried to clarify. "Most of them weren't even with Cerberus, Kaidan. And as far as I know, nearly all of them left Cerberus after I turned myself in. Even Miranda cut ties and she was one of the Illusive Man's top agents."

"Yeah but how can you know for sure? I mean, can you really trust these people?" Kaidan was still skeptical. Maybe he always would be. Cerberus had done far more harm than good. Bringing her back, building a new Normandy, that didn't excuse their other actions. It just made their positive contributions to humanity that much more suspicious.

"I trust them to do what they believe is right. And so far, they haven't let me down," Shepard defended the SR2 squad. Kaidan wondered if that wasn't also a stab to the fact that he had let her down back on Horizon. He shook his head. Maybe he was reading too much into it. He sighed, leaning back and looking up at the stars through the top window. He had to let this go.

"Well, I trust you Shepard. And if you trust them, then I'll just have to believe you know what you're doing," Kaidan felt better saying it out loud. He was still wary of Cerberus, wary of the people that had worked with Shepard to take down the Collectors, but he knew her. He had to believe that she would make the right calls and for the right reasons. At any rate, he didn't want to talk about Cerberus anymore. "So, Eden Prime huh?"

Shepard sighed, "Where it all began. It seems strange to be going back there."

"Going to Eden Prime to find a prothean artifact. Sounds exactly like what got us into this mess in the first place." Kaidan recalled that first mission nearly four years ago. "Do you think it's another beacon?"

"I don't know. It could be something else. I've come across a lot of strange prothean artifacts, even on my mission to stop the Collectors." Shepard organized some of the data pads laying on the coffee table. "I actually had one right here."

"Really?" Kaidan sounded surprised. "I suppose the Alliance probably locked it up in the archives when you turned the ship in."

Shepard laughed a little. "It was probably right there in the Mars facility. I guess I could have taken it back if I'd thought about it."

"Yeah well, you were a little preoccupied at the time," Kaidan added.

"That I was," Shepard smiled saucily at him. He gave her a confused look.

"Are we talking about the same mission here, because I remember a whole lot of fighting and well almost dying, in my case, back on Mars," Kaidan started. "You look like you actually enjoyed it.

"Just the parts when you were taking point," Shepard mused.

"Right… Well I guess you liked watching me get shot at first after all that," Kaidan stated a little coldly.

"Actually I was thinking about those few moments where I could simply enjoy watching your fine biotic ass in action again," Shepard commented almost so off-handedly that Kaidan nearly missed what it was that she actually said. "If it weren't for that distraction, I would have probably been angry enough to send you back to the shuttle with James."

He laughed. "Just my ass, huh?"

"Well… not _just_ your ass," Shepard admitted and Kaidan shook his head, smiling while enjoying the ego boost. "You've changed quite a bit since the SR1 days, Kaidan. I had a hell of a time carrying you onto the Normandy on Mars. You've bulked up a lot since Virmire."

"You can thank the Special Operations Biotic Company for that. We've had a lot of tough operations and every one of us needed to be in prime condition to make it out of those scrapes," Kaidan explained. Though he had to wonder just how tough Shepard was to be able to carry him, armor and all, onto the Normandy. Especially since he wore much heavier armor now than he did back then. He assumed it had something to do with all her cybernetic implants. After all, the genetic enhancements through the Alliance were good, but they weren't _that_ good.

"I thought you said it was just a 'teaching' position."

Kaidan chuckled, "Well, lucky for me that 'teaching' included a hell of a lot of combat action." He watched her for a moment before going on. "You know, I guess it was mutual. That new N7 armor looks _great_ on you. I mean… you always look good Shepard, but…"

"The bed's right over there, Kaidan," Shepard motioned with a sultry smile and Kaidan took a deep breath.

"Shepard, you know I want to be with you," he started.

"But you want to take it slow, I know," Shepard sighed.

"I just need more time to wrap my head around this. In all that time you were gone, I felt guilty that I didn't know you better. You knew so much about me, but I couldn't say the same. I want you, Shepard. Don't _ever_ doubt that. But I want _all_ of you."

Shepard smiled, "Well, I guess I've waited this long. I should be able to hold out for a few more weeks."

"A few weeks?"

Shepard's brows pursed in miffed anger. "Kaidan, if you make me wait much longer than that the reapers will be the least of your worries."

He laughed a little at that. "Alright, Shepard. I'll try to keep it down to a few weeks."

"Less is better."

"Or less," he added with a sly smile.


	15. Boys Will be Boys

Missing Moments: Boys will be Boys

James huffed, adding in another couple pull-ups when he overheard Alenko and Cortez talking about Shepard. He jumped down and stretched his neck and back before going to see what was up. After all, he and Cortez had grown pretty tight. Vega never really did click with Alenko though. Not like he did with Cortez or Vakarian. For some reason, they always seemed a little off together, even on the battle field. He knew he could trust the Major to have his back, but he wasn't as comfortable with it as he was with Shepard or Garrus. Now would be a good time to try and smooth those edges out, get to know each other a little better. Maybe if he knew where Alenko was coming from, they'd work together better, on ship and off.

"Hey," James spoke up as he joined the other two men by the weapons modding table. "Heard you guys talking about Lola. What's up?"

"Just talking about all the crazy things Shepard's done," Cortez shook his head with a smile. "First the Blitz, and becoming a Spectre to take down another Spectre… Then there were the Collectors. I mean, I knew she was a legend, but…"

"It's one thing to hear the stories about her, but it's definitely something else to see that finely curved ass in action," James chimed in. Kaidan made a disapproving face but didn't say anything. James didn't catch the look before it vanished. "I mean, look at her. Pin her up and every guy would be signing up with the Alliance just to catch a glimpse, some gals too. I know I would."

"They tried that actually," Kaidan replied a little sharply. "Apparently Shepard's face didn't hit the demographics the way they wanted. She's too 'intimidating'."

"Well, she can intimidate me anytime. A beautiful woman like that… and on the battle field, damn, it's hard not to get distracted," Vega noted with approval. If there was anything he was a natural at, it was admiring women. And Shepard was definitely a woman to admire. Cortez looked a little nervous and James caught a scowl from the Major. "Did I say something wrong? I mean, the Commander is hot, no?"

Garrus cleared his throat loudly over at the armor table and Kaidan folded his arms over his chest. Vega didn't understand why everyone was so uptight all of a sudden. He'd spent plenty of time talking to other soldiers about how hot or not female commanding officers were. It was like talking about ships or service stories, bonding stuff.

"What'd I say?" James asked confused.

"Kaidan's just jealous of all the flirting you've been doing with the Commander, Vega." Garrus winked in Alenko's direction, but Kaidan just shook his head. He didn't need the turian fighting his battles for him. "And probably your comments about her uh… ass."

"So what about it?" James asked defensively.

"I just don't appreciate you and Shepard flirting so much," Kaidan answered.

"She's a grown woman. She can do what she wants," Vega stated, not seeing the point.

"And I'm not stopping her. But as far as I'm concerned… I don't like it." The Major emphasized the not liking it part. He leaned back, taking in Vega's response. James huffed a little, obviously a little miffed at Alenko's scrutiny with how he acted around the Commander. What business was it of his how he talked to the Commander? If she had a problem with it, she'd say so.

Then again, he'd caught something on their mission to Mars and back before on Earth as well. Apparently the Major and Shepard had a past. He didn't know what it was, and it couldn't have been too serious seeing as Alenko never visited Shepard back on earth while she was incarcerated. At least not since he'd been assigned to her, which was most of her six month stay. James did notice some tension between them though, most of it dealing with whether or not the Major trusted her. James trusted her, and it kind of pissed him off on Mars that Alenko didn't.

"Yeah, well… if you trust her, then you've got no reason to worry about me, pendejo." James said it off-handedly just to push his buttons and Kaidan frowned. It wasn't the first time they were somewhat at odds with one another. The comment obviously ticked off the Major. Good, James thought.

"You know I'll warn you once, Vega. Lay off of Shepard."

"Why? You her boyfriend or something? Seems to me that you don't have the cojones to handle a woman like that."

Garrus whistled at the challenge and Kaidan frowned. "You really want to do this, Lieutenant?"

"I'm right here, Major," Vega stated, lifting his arms to show just how ready he was. Kaidan shook his head at James' impudence. "What's the matter? Don't think you can take me on without Lola having your back?"

"You're on, Lieutenant," Kaidan accepted the challenge.

"This is going to be good," Garrus mused, leaving his armor at the table and coming to watch as both Vega and Alenko took their stances in the middle of the shuttle bay. The nearby Normandy servicemen staff, about five other crew members, gathered round and Cortez gave the turian a worried glare.

"Shouldn't we be breaking them up?" Cortez wondered out loud.

"No, they need to get this out now and it's been a while in coming," Garrus informed him. "Sometimes the only way you can learn to respect another man is to fight him."

"We've got a mission drop on Eden Prime less than three hours," Cortez added.

"Don't worry. They aren't foolish enough to really injure each other right before a mission," Garrus stated confidently. James started the first of a few hard swings at the Major while the crew members quipped and cheered. Kaidan dodged them, then circled around, waiting for Vega's next move. "Probably," Garrus amended after seeing how resolute both men looked.

"I've got 20 creds on James," Cortez said, watching his friend take a few more warm up punches at Alenko. "He's got a lot of pent up anger, especially after losing out to Shepard last time. Not that he really expected to take her down, but I know it was a blow to that huge ego of his that the Commander took him out with hardly getting hit."

"I'll take that bet," Garrus grinned watching Kaidan dance around Vega's shots, taking his time to measure each swing and move carefully. "Ready your credits Cortez, you're about to watch Vega go down, _again_."

Kaidan side stepped another barrage of Vega's heavy punches, then countered with a quick jab to Vega's jaw. James recovered quickly though and managed to sneak in an uppercut to the Major's chin. The crew made various painful noises and rooted for their respective fighters. Both men were scowling at each other. This wasn't a playful fight; despite the fun the crew seemed to be having watching them. And while they obviously weren't playing for keeps, both of them were determined not to let the other win.

"Come on, Major. Quit dancing around and fight me like a real man," James taunted.

Kaidan grinned maliciously, "What's the matter Vega? Lost your step? I thought you liked to dance?"

"Only when it's with Lola," James taunted again with a smirk. He was going to irk Kaidan all he could about 'not liking' him flirting with Shepard. It didn't mean anything anyway. Not really. Damn Major was taking everything too personal about it. Besides, it was one of the few things that made James' day. He wasn't about to let Kaidan take that from him out of sheer jealousy. Alenko caught Vega in the side, but James reacted with a blow of his own to Kaidan's stomach.

"Ouch," Garrus commented.

"What were you saying about readying my creds?" Steve grinned.

"The fight's just getting started, Cortez. Just watch. Kaidan will take your boy down," the turian stated assertively.

As the boys rounded each other, the other crew members joined in the bet making. Bets on Kaidan were down a few creds from Vega, but not by much. All in all, it seemed the crew had pretty equal opinions of them when it came to their hand-to-hand skills. And while Kaidan had biotics, it soon became apparent that he wouldn't be using them here. James misjudged Alenko's attack line and took a hard punch to the face. He shook it off, but a trickle of blood slipped down from his nose to his lip. Vega didn't wipe it off.

"You're losing it, Vega," Kaidan goaded. "It takes more than a few oversized muscles to win a battle."

Vega swung at him, and barely missed. "You talking about the fight, or winning over the Commander? Cause while you were gone, she was enjoying this show." James flexed his bicep to prove his point.

Kaidan shot a pissed off look at the Lieutenant and was distracted long enough by the comment for James to manage getting in a solid blow to Kaidan's side. The Major took the blow then tipped Vega's balance with his knee. James nearly went down right there, but Kaidan backed off, prolonging the fight though he might have been able to add a final blow to the back of James' head for the win right then. Vega rebalanced himself, widening his stance.

"I knew you didn't have the cojones… to take me down," James jeered.

Kaidan chuckled. "I'm just taking my time, Lieutenant… I'm going to enjoy every hit you take."

James rushed the Major, hoping to make him pay for his missed opportunity. But Alenko braced himself, rooting his legs into the ground. He kneed the Lieutenant's gut before elbowing his shoulder as Vega tried to plow him down to the ground. James grunted as Kaidan hammered him twice, a third, and then a fourth time before his grip finally loosened and the Major was able to escape the hold. They both panted hard.

"Why do you even care… what I say to Lola anyway," James resituated himself.

"You really don't know?" Kaidan straightened and James took the opportunity to try and catch a solid hit to his stomach. The Major danced back though, taking only half of the blow and shifted back into a guard position. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

"Know what?" Vega asked. "That you've got the hots for her? Hell, half the Alliance has a hard-on for the Commander."

Kaidan lost it then. "Don't talk about her like that!"

"Why the hell not? We're all thinking it, no?"

Garrus shook his head. "Bad move, Vega."

The Major closed in on James, distracting him with a false swing to the gut before giving him another solid whack to his face. Once, twice, and he tried for a third but James managed to put his guard back up and block the last shot. Kaidan backed off, seething, but knowing he shouldn't fight angry. He breathed in deep, trying to calm himself down. It didn't help that he had to dodge Vega's return attacks. Kaidan caught a blow to the side of his head, but managed to weave back away from the rest of James' punches, angry again.

Once James started to back away again, Kaidan charged. He bolted forward and side stepped James, using a few flimsy shots to his face to force him to block and back down. Alenko caught Vega's heel with his foot as James stepped back, just enough to almost trip him and when James tried to catch himself, Kaidan kicked his other leg out. Vega fell hard and Kaidan was on him almost immediately. He managed just three hard blows to the Lieutenant's head while James tried to block him before Garrus and Cortez were frantically pulling him off.

"That's enough, Kaidan! You've already won." Garrus growled while pulling Alenko up. Two of the staff members whooped happily, obviously their bets were on the Major. Kaidan backed off immediately and scruffed up his hair in frustration while the crew exchanged their bet money. The turian let him walk it off and turned to help Vega up, only to find that Cortez beat him to the punch. "You just had to be a smart-ass about Shepard, didn't you, Vega?"

"Since when does saying how it is make me a smart-ass, Scars?" James finally wiped the blood off his face. He looked down at the smear on his hand then rubbed his nose again.

"You don't say things like that about a woman to the man that loves her. At least turians don't. And from Kaidan's reaction, I'd say humans don't either." Garrus crossed his arms and tipped back as he said it, like a veteran giving a green soldier tactic advice. Tact of different kind was today's lesson though.

"Shit… I didn't know there was something between them."

"Kaidan takes her out on the Citadel, spends all this time with her on the ship, even asks where to 'take her out' and you don't think there's something between them?" Garrus asked incredulously.

"Hey, Lola visited me while I was getting inked and besides she's always making rounds on the Normandy. How was I supposed to know that wasn't just her keeping tabs on her crew? Besides, wanting someone and actually having them are two different things."

"That maybe true but Shepard and Kaidan have history. And so far neither of them have really gotten past it." Garrus glanced over at Kaidan. He knew them both well, but he didn't want to overstep his bounds. After all, Shepard and Kaidan would have to take whatever they had at their own pace. Garrus learned long ago that those things didn't always turn out the way you wanted them to. In fact, most of the time they didn't. But it wasn't his place to say one way or another, despite what he thought was going on.

Kaidan had paced back by that time, his anger spent. After overhearing James, he just shook his head. Part of him knew James was just saying what he thought was true and Kaidan had no doubt it was, he just didn't like hearing it from the guy who constantly flirted with Shepard while he was in the hospital. He looked over James, glad to note that he didn't seem too bad off after their tussle. A couple bruises might show up later, but other than that he was perfectly fine. Garrus glanced over at his old friend and shook his head.

"Feel better?" Garrus asked him.

Kaidan gave a half-smile, "Yeah, I'm good."

Cortez chuckled a bit.

"What's so funny, pendejo?" James sounded miffed.

"You should probably stop picking fights with Spectres, Vega. So far you've lost every time."

"Yeah, well. I gotta keep trying, no?" He joked. The boys all laughed a little, releasing the tension in the air. James rubbed his neck, "Hey, I'm sorry about what I said. About Lola. I mean, yeah she's hot, but... I guess…. I don't…"

"Don't worry about it, Lieutenant," Kaidan broke in, trying to give James a break. Vega looked like a kid right then, stumbling over what to say. "Besides, you were right. If I trust Shepard, then I've really got nothing to worry about."

James perked up a little then rocked back on his heels. "So, you and the Commander, huh?"

Kaidan chuckled a little, "Yeah, me and the Commander."

James looked thoughtful for a moment. "I wonder who'd win in a fight… you or her?

Garrus shook his head, "Wrex asked that same question once before."

"And?" James asked curiously.

"And Kaidan said he wouldn't ever want to find out. To which Wrex replied 'that's why Shepard would win.'" Garrus remembered back to their SR1 days. Back when Kaidan and Shepard were just getting to know each other, Liara hadn't been hardened by her search for the Shadow Broker and he hadn't lost an entire team on Omega. They were all a lot younger back then. He glanced back over to Kaidan. "But some things change, don't they."

"Yeah, they do," Kaidan stated a little sadly, recalling his and Shepard's stand-off on the Citadel. While it wasn't a hand-to-hand fight, facing her like that wasn't something he ever wanted to do again. Besides, Garrus had already confided to him that Shepard wouldn't have been able to shoot him anyway. In that case, if it had just been him and her up there and neither one of them backed down… he would have won. He didn't like the idea, or the realization that he really had changed so much since then.

"Sooo…. You and the Commander gonna dance for us sometime? Settle the question?" Vega asked.

"I seriously hope you're kidding, Lieutenant," Kaidan replied.

"We could always make it ballroom dancing. You know, just to spice things up around here," Garrus commented. The boys all chuckled a bit at that.

"Well, either way Major. You don't have to worry about me flirting with Lola anymore. Well, not on purpose anyway," James said, trying to make amends.

"It's okay, James. I trust Shepard. She knows what she's doing," Kaidan stated, though his heart wasn't entirely in it.

"Nah, don't worry. Something just doesn't feel right about hitting on another guy's girl. Besides, she's my N7 trainer now." James shrugged. "Still calling her Lola though."

"I can handle that."

"So, we good?" James asked. After all, he had come over to try and smooth things over with the Major, not make them worse.

"Yeah, we're good." Kaidan stated.

James smiled. "How about a poker game sometime then?"

"Poker?"

"Yeah, that game table in the lounge's going to waste!" James commented. "We should set a game night, you know to relax and shit. I'm sure we could all use a little more fun around here, no?"

"Don't fall for it, Major. Mr. Vega's just trying to find something he can beat a Spectre at." Cortez warned while getting back to work.

Kaidan chuckled a little at that. "You know, losing at cards doesn't sound so bad."

"You won't be saying that after he cleans you out," Steve added.

"Yet you still play, pendejo," James teased Cortez.

"Only because no one else will," he teased back.

After a lot of banter, the guys finally settled on a poker night for each week. "Hey, maybe if you're lucky, I'll give you some tips on your game," James mentioned to Kaidan.

"And maybe if you're lucky, I'll give you some tips on your CQC," Kaidan replied.

"I could also give you a few pointers on your flirting," James offered.

"I think I'm fine on my own with that one," Kaidan answered.

"You sure? Cause last time I checked, you weren't exactly 'flirting' with the Commander," Jamed added.

Kaidan sighed at that. He was a bit rusty.


	16. Prothean Complications

Missing Moments: Prothean Complications

Shepard stepped off the elevator to the CIC and rubbed her temples. After settling Javik in, breaking up the Alliance guards, and trying to help out Liara she was feeling a bit irritated. It didn't help that ever since finding the Prothean on Eden Prime and experiencing all those flashbacks she'd had a mild headache. She walked toward the Galaxy Map when Traynor turned to look at her. Traynor looked a little worried.

"Are you alright, Commander?" she asked.

"I'm fine, Traynor. Did you need something?" Shepard asked wearily.

"Dr. Chakwas would like to see you down in the med-bay, other than that I've kept up on trying to find out more information on those Cerberus scientists. Nothing new about the scientists specifically, but I found some com scrambling nearby the location. It could be Cerberus planning something, so we should probably head there sooner rather than later."

"Alright, make it happen," Shepard said turning to leave for the med-bay.

She rubbed her head, just one more thing, she sighed. Shepard noted that she should probably get some rest in soon. It had been a long day and if she was going to face down a bunch of Cerberus cronies again so soon, she'd need the down time after finishing up her reports. As she left the elevator she nodded to a marine who saluted her in the hall. Everything ship-shape, she mused. Good, the rest of her duties would go by much quicker with everything business as usual.

Hopefully whatever Chakwas needed would be quick. Shepard entered the med-bay and the doctor got up out of her chair.

"Shepard, I've been waiting for you," Chakwas started. She brought up her omni-tool.

"You called, I'm here. What did you need, doctor?"

Chakwas motioned over to one of the med bay beds. "I wanted to run some scans on you. After your initial contact with the beacon when you first visited Eden Prime four years ago you had some abnormal brain waves, and again after receiving the cipher on Feros and the beacon on Virmire. With you handling more prothean artifacts recently, I want to take a few readings to make sure everything is in order."

Shepard sat up on the table and shrugged. "I guess it's better to be safe."

"Indeed," Chakwas stated while running the first scan. "Have you been feeling strange at all after Eden Prime? Any new visions perhaps?"

"Just the ones in the report. I haven't had any new visions since take off."

"Liara informed me a few minutes before you arrived that the prothean, Javik was his name?" Shepard nodded yes to Chakwas question. "That Javik 'read' your memories by touching you. Quite an amazing feat actually, I'm curious to see if it's a physiological manifestation of his four-strand DNA. However, first I want to make sure the contact with him and the other artifacts on Eden Prime didn't have lasting negative side-effects on you. Are you feeling any ill effects from either encounter?"

"No, nothing really," Shepard commented.

"Are you sure?" Chakwas sounded concerned, her brow pursed.

"Why, is something wrong with my scan?"

"Nothing serious, but it looks like some of your hormones are registering abnormal levels." Karin tapped something on her omni-tool and did a second scan.

"What does that mean?" Shepard asked.

"I'm not quite sure. They aren't high enough to cause any physical danger to you, but they don't entirely match with what we have on record for your scans after the beacons. However, your brainwaves appear more normal this time, which is some good news at least. It appears you're body is acclimating well to new exposures to prothean technology. I thought this might be the case back after Virmire. The beacon there didn't have nearly the effect on you that Eden Prime's did."

"That's good then." Shepard said, touching her hand to her head.

"Is something wrong, Commander?" Chakwas inquired.

"I have a little bit of a headache," Shepard confessed.

"Hmm. I'll add that to my report. In the meantime, I suggest you try to relax and get some rest. I could give you something to help you sleep."

"No, I'm sure I'll be fine," Shepard replied. The last thing she wanted was some sleeping meds clouding up her mind. She needed to be at her best, even if she was exhausted. Besides, she usually slept better after a tough mission.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to keep you under observation for while, just to be safe," Chakwas added.

"Doctor, I've got a lot to do. If I'm not at risk for injury or…"

The doors hissed open and Kaidan walked in. "Hey, Traynor said you were down here. Just thought I'd check in to see how you're doing."

"I'm fine," Shepard stated tiredly.

"After Eden Prime," Kaidan looked a bit worried. "It just seems like every time we come into contact with some prothean artifact, you end up getting the worst of it."

Chakwas spoke up before Shepard could reply, "The Commander has a few abnormal readings but other than that she appears to be fine, Major." Kaidan nodded and the doctor turned back to Shepard. "I'm going down to scan Javik and ask him a few questions. Perhaps he can provide a little illumination on your hormone levels. You should try to stay in the med-bay Commander, if for nothing more than a bit of rest."

Chakwas left and Kaidan walked up to Shepard. She stood up from the table and brushed off her casuals even though she was sure there wasn't anything on them. Staying in the med-bay wasn't her idea of getting rest. With all the bright lights and the hard cots, it was difficult to imagine actually falling asleep in here without being under anesthesia. She started for the door.

"Hey, I thought Chakwas said you should stay here?" Kaidan started.

"Chakwas is just being cautious. Like she said, I'll be fine," Shepard waved away the comment.

"Shepard, come on. Just…settle down and take a break," Kaidan added.

"I can do that better up in my cabin. My bed is at least a little bit softer than these," she joked. Her bed was actually pretty hard compared to the cushy mattress she'd had back on earth during her house arrest. But she'd still take it over the med bay tables any day.

"Shepard…" Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Chakwas recommended you stay here. You should listen to her."

"I'll be fine, Kaidan," she reassured him.

"You don't know that," He sounded a bit irked. "Look, I know you think you can handle everything that comes your way, but you aren't invincible, Shepard. You're no good to anyone if you're falling apart. What if this is something serious?"

"It's just a few hormone imbalances," Shepard countered. Her brow pursed in defense. "As soon as I finish filing my reports and briefing for the next mission, I'll catch some sleep."

"Let me take care of those reports for you then. And I can brief you in the shuttle on the way," Kaidan tried to interject but Shepard shook her head.

"Kaidan, it's my responsibility to make sure these things are done. Besides, it's only about an hour of work anyway…"

"Shepard…"

"Major, we're done with this," Shepard was curt. She was exhausted. She knew she needed to rest, but she wasn't going to get it here. Kaidan pushing the point didn't help. Besides, she was more than capable of looking after herself. She wasn't going to do anything that could compromise her effectiveness as a leader. He should know that. After all, he left her on Horizon when she needed him most and she still got the job done. "The more time we waste arguing the fact, the less time I have to rest up before the next mission. Is that what you want?"

"No, Commander." He replied, still angry.

"What is it, Kaidan? Let's have it out," Shepard was miffed and just wanted to go, but she hated leaving things unsolved.

"First you want me to shut up. Now you want me to talk?" Kaidan shook his head. "Okay then, Dr. Chakwas gave you her professional medical recommendation and you're throwing it out the window here. You're being reckless, Shepard. And you might end up paying for that later on down the road. I don't want to see you get hurt… or worse."

"I'll be fine," Shepard started.

"You don't know that."

"I know my limits, Kaidan. I know when I'm going to be okay or not. And if you can't trust me…"

"This isn't about trusting you Shepard, this is about you not letting anyone else take care of you."

"I can take care of myself just fine! I don't need you to take care of me or to tell me what I need to do!" Shepard nearly shouted at him, furious. The heat in her voice surprised her and she shook her head.

"Fine," Kaidan said coldly. "If that's the way you want it, I won't bother you then."

"Kaidan…" Shepard tried to settle things. She didn't want them to keep arguing, not when things were just starting to get better between them. While she didn't want to undo progress in their relationship, at the same time she didn't like being second guessed either.

"Don't Kaidan me, Shepard. This works both ways or not at all," he started and Shepard's heart stopped for a moment. Was he giving her an ultimatum? He left her, not the other way around. She was even trying to make peace with him! He went on before she could interrupt though. "I can't care about you and not say anything. I worry about you, I can't help that. Why won't you let me help take care of you?"

"I don't need you to take care of me, Kaidan," Shepard stated firmly. He gave her a hurt look and for a second she was glad. What right did he have to start worrying about her now when he spent the last year not worrying about her one bit when she needed him most. This was a hiccup compared to when she woke up in Cerberus' hands or when she had to turn herself in after taking out a Mass relay and destroying an entire colony. He wasn't even there after the trial.

"You can't expect me to not want to look after you any way that I can," Kaidan retorted back. "Shepard, you know I care about you. I just… I just want you to be careful."

"I'm the Commanding officer," Shepard announced, trying to justify her position with logic rather than her feelings. "I don't have the luxury of taking a break anytime I'm feeling a little off. It's my responsibility…"

"Dammit Shepard, don't you think I know what you have to work with? In case you've forgotten, I've done quite a bit myself, led my own team and am a Spectre now as well. So don't give me this bullshit about how the responsibility is all yours! It's mine as well and I know exactly what it entails!"

"You think you can do this instead of me?" She yelled back, though she wasn't sure what she was angry more with, the fact that Kaidan wasn't falling in line the way he used to back on the SR1 or the fact that he put himself at her level. For all intents and purposes, Kaidan had as much authority as she did as a Spectre, but he wasn't there to take down the Collectors. He wasn't there to stop the reapers from flooding into the galaxy six months ago. And he wasn't the one that Anderson and Hackett had dumped the fate of Earth and everyone in the galaxy on either.

"I wouldn't do you the dishonor," Kaidan scoffed. He knew if someone had to lead they would, but no one was positioned as uniquely and had the experience that Shepard did. She really was the best person for the task. She had all the right connections, all the right skills. But usually she didn't hold herself up so high above her other crew members. She knew they were a team and that she couldn't do this without their support. It frustrated him that she was getting angry at the simple fact that he was trying to support her, albeit off the battle field.

"Then quit questioning me!" Shepard shouted back at him.

"Is that an order?" he said spitefully, brows creased in resentment. She'd never shut him down like this before. Or maybe he'd just given in before. He wasn't really sure, but either way he knew he didn't like it.

"I won't do _you_ the dishonor… Major," Shepard remarked coldly, throwing his own words back at him. No, she wouldn't order him to fall in line, and if he didn't she'd know just where he stood.

Kaidan shook his head before raising his hands to show he was through with this. He turned and stormed off, giving Shepard a wide berth as he walked to the door. Shepard leaned back against the med-bay bed, rubbing her throbbing temples. Why were they even fighting about this? What the hell was Kaidan so worried about anyway? She was fine right now! Why didn't he care like this when there was something to actually be worried about? Damn men.


	17. Mediator

Missing Moments: Mediators and Messes

Kaidan stormed out of the med bay and down the hall. He needed to work on something, needed to get his mind off of this. Why wouldn't Shepard let him help her? He just wanted to try and help take care of her, is that such a terrible thing? Is it really that hard for her to let him care and worry about her? Kaidan knew she could take care of herself, he'd never questioned it. But he thought that there was more between them, and to him that gave him the right to care about what happened to her. More than that, it gave him a responsibility to look after her.

He rounded the corner and nearly ran into Liara who started to open her mouth to say something. Kaidan shook his head and rushed around her, leaving her alone and staring after him, wondering what had happened. Kaidan stepped on the elevator and the doors closed. He was glad she didn't try to follow him and push the issue. He couldn't deal with a fight with Shepard and then Liara's incessant observations. The last thing he wanted was some other woman yelling at him, since he was fairly certain that Liara would side with Shepard.

The elevator stopped at the Engineering level. He looked down the hall toward the port cargo hold. That prothean was in there. The thing, or guy rather, that started this mess. Kaidan thought about talking to him, but changed his mind. Chakwas said she was coming down to scan Javik and he didn't want to interrupt her. Besides, in his state of mind he was more likely to make things worse with the prothean rather than better. He decided to see if Adams had any extra work on hand, anything to keep his mind busy for a while.

"Major Alenko? What brings you down to engineering?" Ken asked as Kaidan stepped onto the engineering deck. Gabby was working at a panel and Kaidan took a quick glance around, noting that Adams wasn't with them.

"I'm looking for Adams, is he down here?"

"Nope. He left about an hour ago for a break. After all the hullabaloo with that prothean in the cargo hold, he probably needed to take a bit of a breather. I don't blame him. The thing's given us all quite the stir."

"Not everyone, Kenneth," Gabby interjected.

"Really? Didn't you see Liara and the Commander when they left? Both of them didn't look too happy."

"Yeah, but the marines were fine and Adams was due for a break anyways. If anything, I bet the Commander is more worried about the war effort than having another alien on board the Normandy," Gabby countered. "Anyway, Adams is probably up in the mess or the crew quarters if you're looking for him, Major."

"Thanks," Kaidan replied. His pause was just long enough that Kenneth caught a flash of frustration in the Major's eyes.

"Something the matter, Major?" Kenneth asked, concerned.

"Why do say that?" Kaidan wasn't sure why he asked. He knew he was pretty easy to read when he wasn't on guard. And serving with Shepard again had him relaxing a lot more than he usually did. He wasn't sure that was a good thing, at least not around the rest of the crew.

"Kenneth, I'm sure the Major doesn't want us poking into his business."

"It's alright, Daniels." Kaidan assured them. "Actually I came down here to see if Adams had any extra work that I could help with."

"Everything's in the green right now," Gabby stated confidently.

"Right," Kaidan replied.

"Did you want to talk about something?" Ken added.

Before Kaidan could reply the doors swished open and Adams walked onto the deck, coffee in hand. Apparently, his break was over. Adams nodded at him at first, but his look suddenly went grim. The Major felt like he must be wearing his heart on his sleeve. Was he really so obvious? He'd have to work on that later. For now, it was too late to get out of engineering without Adams also asking if he was alright. And since he really wasn't feeling alright, Kaidan decided that it couldn't hurt to share that with an old friend.

"What's going on?" Adams inquired casually, setting down his coffee and taking a brief glance at the boards.

"Just… thought I'd come down and see if you needed any help," Kaidan finally replied.

"Trying to take your mind off of something?" Adams supplied.

"Yeah, you could say that." Kaidan glanced warily over at Ken and Gabby, uncertain how safe it was to really talk around them. Granted they were both Alliance, but they had joined up with Cerberus back when Shepard was working with the organization. He worried about their history and worried even more that Shepard had authorized their release. But like he told her, he had to trust she knew what she was doing. Besides, Ken and Gabby had turned themselves in without incident and didn't appear to have any love for the Illusive Man or Cerberus. Kaidan was usually careful, but more so, he didn't want to be sharing his woes with just anyone.

Adams seemed to pick up on Alenko's reluctance and motioned him to walk with him. "Going to check on the thermal ducts. Joker punched out of Eden Prime a little harder than usual."

"I didn't notice…"

"Kenneth!" Gabby interrupted, giving her partner a slight glare. He looked at her confusingly until she motioned her head toward the Major and gave him a 'shut it' look. Ken hated that look and half the time he wasn't sure why Gabby thought he needed to, but not listening to her often got him into more trouble than following her lead so he shrugged and let it go.

"We'll be here if you need anything then," Ken amended, turning back to his console to act like he was doing something. For the moment the ship was fine, perfectly balanced. He really didn't have much to do at the moment. At least not until Adams assigned them some maintenance tasks. Gabby smiled and Ken perked up a little at that. She may shut him down a lot, but she was always there to pick him back up as well. He felt better about giving into her hinting, even though he still wasn't sure what was going on.

Kaidan followed Adams out and down the stairs to the thermal ducts. The lights gave off a comforting red glow, kind of like the crew deck service panels back on the old Normandy. The SR1 hadn't been large enough to need maintenance ducts like this, or extra cooling space. Despite the reddish tinge, the room was slightly chilly. Kaidan saw scratching in the floor where there was once a chair and desk, and even a place against the wall that could have been a cot. He remembered the reports about the SR2 and welcomed the distraction.

One of Shepard's squad mates, Jack, a woman with extreme biotic powers had kept to the engineering decks. She'd been experimented on as child and it hadn't turned out well. Kaidan noted that was something Jack and he shared, though they certainly took different paths with their experiences. Granted he didn't think he had it nearly as hard with BAaT as she did with Cerberus. It made him wonder what could have possibly convinced her to stay aboard a Cerberus vessel. Shepard must have been damn convincing.

Taking in the room, he got the feeling why Jack might choose to stay down here rather than mingle with the crew. It took a lot of determination for him to not shut himself away from other people and he knew of more human biotics who couldn't deal with their powers than ones who were functioning members of society. Down here with the dim lights and the soft constant pulse of the Normandy's engines, it was soothing, comforting.

"So," Adams started, bringing Kaidan back from his thoughts. "I get the feeling something's on your mind, Kaidan."

Greg and Jeff had been long time confidants for Kaidan. Kaidan had served on two other tours with Joker before the Normandy mission and had served with Adams one other time on a short stint he had on the Tokyo. He always felt at ease around Adams. Greg never seemed to judge him or fear his biotic powers, and he was a listener besides. He'd already told Greg about Mars, the hospital, the standoff on the Citadel and he'd always just take note and weigh in a little, plus he'd been discreet. While Jeff was a close friend, he had trouble keeping things to himself sometimes.

Kaidan's brows creased in frustration recalling his fight with the Commander. "Shepard and I got into it again."

Adams just waited for him to elaborate and Kaidan wasn't sure how to go on. He leaned back against one of the walls and sighed. "What is it about Alliance women that makes them so angry when you try to take care of them?"

Greg chuckled a bit at that. "Just now noticing that or were you hoping maybe Shepard felt differently in that regard?"

Kaidan shook his head, "I don't know, maybe. I mean, Shepard's always been more level headed but… she practically yelled at me up there in the med bay. Just for wanting her to take it easy and do what the doc said."

"She's human, just like the rest of us Kaidan. And don't go thinking that she's so different from every other woman who joins the Alliance. They join to serve, just like us. They have that same drive to _protect others_. It's a quality the Alliance needs in its officers. If anything, with all she's done, Shepard's probably even more touchy about people taking care of her than the average CO."

"Yeah but she knows the stakes. Cutting corners right now is not the way to play this. She could get hurt… or worse. The Alliance needs her."

"And what about you? Don't you need her?" Adams watched the Major thoughtfully for a moment, gauging his reaction. Kaidan shut his eyes. Greg knew the answer to the question before he asked it. Kaidan wasn't a Major worried about his Commander and her ability to lead; he was a man worried about the woman he loved. "Are you upset because you think she's cutting corners, Kaidan? Or are you upset because you're afraid you'll lose her again?"

Kaidan's heart clenched tightly remembering the unbearable grief after her death. It was one of the reasons why he'd handled Horizon so badly, one of the reasons he couldn't bring himself to visit her on earth: to feel that way about her again, only to lose her… But now, he couldn't fight it anymore. They were thrown together in this war and seeing her every day, fighting with her, serving with her without feeling for her, it was impossible. She'd entranced him again right from the moment she jumped back onto the Normandy on Earth, battle flushed and determined.

He couldn't go through that grief a second time and he knew he'd do anything to keep Shepard safe. But he also didn't know Shepard as well as he'd like. She'd worked with Cerberus. Whether that changed her or not, it certainly felt like she was trying to bypass the proper channels to get results with the Collectors. In the end, Shepard not only destroyed the Collectors, but came back from a suicide mission. She'd practically died once already back on the SR1. To face death head on like that again by going through the Omega-4 relay… Kaidan wasn't sure Shepard was capable of thinking about herself. She was just that focused on saving everyone else.

"I don't know… maybe a little of both," he finally confessed.

"Kaidan, you know Shepard. She's a woman of action. Sitting on the sidelines, even if she may need to, is just not something she's going to accept," Adams surmised. "You're cautious. Careful and meticulous. You've got to remember that even if she doesn't do things the same way, that doesn't mean she's cutting corners."

"Ignoring the doc is reckless though," Kaidan said a little angrily, thinking about how he nearly died on Mars. He'd needed that time to recover. He did what the doctors wanted and he knew once he started his first mission as a Spectre that if he hadn't, if he had just left the hospital back when he wanted to, he wouldn't have been at his best. Shepard could be compromising herself and not even realize it.

"Is it? We're in a war, Kaidan. Time isn't on our side right now," Greg looked at him seriously. "Is she really being reckless or is she just trying to make the best with what she's got?"

Kaidan didn't reply. Whether he was simply contemplating what Adams had said or didn't want to hear another point of view Adams couldn't tell just yet. He decided to cut Kaidan a little slack though. The Major had already gone through enough heartache with Shepard.

"Listen, Kaidan. I'm not saying Shepard's right, just that maybe she sees this differently. Just… she's not going to give in. She's a fighter, you know that. And you're probably going to be on opposite sides of the issue no matter what."

"So what are you saying? We're going to argue about it no matter what?" Kaidan scoffed.

"Maybe," Adams stated. "Or maybe you can find a way to be there for her, to care about her, without fighting with her about it. Then again, maybe she needs you to take her down so that she knows you really mean business."

Kaidan looked at Greg skeptically. "Take her down?"

"Gently, I would think," Adams added.

"Assuming that I can even do that," Kaidan said raising a brow. "I don't want to hurt her. Have you seen her fight, Greg? I doubt there would be anything gentle going on if we actually got into a scuffle."

"I was thinking more along the lines of a simple wall pinning, not an actual fight," Greg admitted. "You don't think she'd actually… never mind. This is Shepard we're talking about." They both shook their heads and Greg suddenly smirked. "Well, I have heard nothing releases tension like a good tussle."

"Don't tell me you're in on Vega's new plan too," Kaidan sighed. After his spar with Vega, James was intent on finding a way to get the Normandy's two resident Spectres down to the shuttle bay to settle the question once and for all. Not that it really mattered. A few close quarter combat rounds weren't going to determine who was a better Spectre. Besides, how were they supposed to fight each other? He'd been in plenty of friendly spars, but he'd never worried about hurting his partner. It was all part of the fight. He worried about hurting Shepard though.

"I have to admit, it would be a sight to see. The council's two human Spectres battling it out." Adams chuckled. "Lovers once even! That certainly raises the stakes. Besides, it just might help you both air out all that tension between the two of you."

"We're not going to fight," Kaidan stated adamantly. "At least not like that," he added a little sadly. He was tired of being on opposite sides with Shepard. Tired of arguing about who was doing what. She was always so good at making peace between people and he had always been calm under pressure. Why was it then when they got together that conversations seemed to explode around them? Ever since Horizon, he noted sadly. It wasn't like this on the SR1. Of course, a lot had happened since then.

"Look Kaidan, if you really think she needs to take some down time, I don't know… whisk her off to her cabin and make sure she takes it. Just… be prepared for the repercussions," Greg smiled encouragingly at the Major and patted his shoulder. It was a good luck send off and Kaidan knew it. Besides, Kaidan felt like maybe he could handle going and smoothing things over with Shepard now anyway. He really didn't want to put more stress on her.

"Right," Kaidan replied with a sigh as they headed up the stairs. Adams turned toward the doors back to the drive core room and Kaidan went the opposite way, heading for the elevator. "Well, if I end up in the med bay, you'll know what happened."

Greg laughed at that. "You'll be fine. Don't worry so much."

Kaidan hoped Adams was right, though he did note that worrying so much was what had gotten him into this mess in the first place. Well, hopefully Shepard was feeling a little more calmed down as well now. Kaidan suddenly felt his heart sink when he realized he'd just piled more on her plate for her to worry about. He really hadn't wanted to do that. In fact, just the opposite, he'd wanted to make things easier on her. Instead, here he was making it harder for her. He decided he'd apologize first then try to get her to do what the doctor ordered.


	18. What She Needs

Missing Moments: What She Needs

Liara could see how angry Kaidan was and apparently he wasn't in any mood to talk. Though she worried about what could make him so upset, she also knew she wasn't Kaidan's first choice when it came to discussing things and the last thing she wanted was to make whatever mood Kaidan was in worse. She hoped that whatever was happening with him would resolve itself soon. They were all under enough pressure with the war as it was.

She started for her room when she glanced over and spotted Shepard leaning on a medic bed through the windows. Shepard was also looking rather distraught and Liara suddenly found herself making way for the med bay to find out just what had happened. If Kaidan was leaving the crew quarters floor upset, and Shepard was sitting in the med labs upset… well, Liara had spent some time trying to work on 12-based logarithms just before the drop on Eden Prime, she was more than capable of putting two and two together. This problem would most likely be harder to solve than some quantum based mathematics though.

The doors hissed softly and Shepard looked up to see who came in. Liara noted how quickly she tried to hide her anger, but her arms were still folded, meaning that she probably wasn't in any more of a mood to talk than Kaidan had been when he stormed by. It worried her even more that they were both upset. What could have possibly happened? Last she'd heard, they had shared a nice dinner at the Citadel and even picked up some weapons requisitions together. Joker even mentioned something about Kaidan visiting Shepard in her cabin. From all that, she thought things were going well between them.

"Shepard," Liara started worriedly. "Are you alright?"

Shepard shook her head. "You know, I'm getting really sick and tired of people asking me that. Did Kaidan tell you to look after me now?"

"I'm sorry," Liara quickly added. "You just looked a little… upset. Did something happen with Kaidan?"

"I don't want to talk about it Liara," Shepard snapped. She immediately regretted it though as she caught Liara's briefly hurt look. Since she'd become the Shadow Broker though, she'd hardened quite a bit, so the expression didn't stay and a frown quickly replaced it. Liara's delicate brows creased slightly though, a remnant of pain or an expression of anger for being treated unfairly for caring, Shepard wasn't sure which.

"I'll leave you alone then," Liara stated apathetically. She turned quickly to leave and Shepard cursed at herself for a moment before taking a step after her friend.

"Liara…"

But the asari didn't stop and the doors whisked closed behind her.

"…wait."

Shepard clenched her fist, angry with herself. Why did she do that? Liara didn't do anything wrong. Shepard stormed out of the med bay, intent on going up to her room before she did more damage but once she got near the elevator she felt a little dizzy. Stopping for a quick breath she regained her balance. The lounge was just down the hall and there was a nice long couch in there. Shepard headed for the door. If she just took a few minutes to lie down, she'd be fine. And that left the med bay right around the corner, just in case Chakwas called her back. But she didn't want to be in the bay right now. Not after what happened with Kaidan and how she just treated Liara.

The door hissed open and she spotted the couch. As she rounded the room though, Shepard spied a brilliant blue bottle over behind the bar counter. She could use a stiff drink right now and she pulled out a glass to pour herself some. Grabbing the whiskey she glanced down at the label. It was the good stuff, so it was probably Kaidan's. She scoffed to herself while filling the cup. _Fitting_, she thought as she gulped down the burning liquid. Shepard shook her head. For a brief moment, she thought about getting herself good and drunk, but decided against it and went to go lean on the cold window and look outside.

This had been Kasumi's room. Kasumi loved Keiji so much after he died that she wanted to keep his greybox even if it meant she was putting her own life in danger. Just so she could relive her memories with him. Did Kasumi ever want to relive her and Keiji's fights though? Shepard doubted it. Why would anyone want to remember their fights? All she wanted to do right now was forget about her and Kaidan's argument completely. Looking over at the bottle again, she shook her head. She was the Commander. Everyone was depending on her.

Shepard just watched the stars, letting her anger boil away. She wasn't quite sure how long she stayed there, but once she felt at least a little more like herself she decided she should go and get some work done. That would take her mind off of how she felt. As she neared the doors though, they opened and Kaidan walked in, worry on his face. That worry turned instantly to disapproval once he caught a glimpse of the bar out of the corner of his eye, whiskey bottle and empty glass still sitting on the counter. Shepard wasn't in the mood for another lecture on what she should or shouldn't be doing.

"I thought you were supposed to be resting," Kaidan started. He'd already checked her cabin, the med bay, even the starboard observation room for her. While he wasn't sure what to expect, this wasn't how he pictured finding her. He had expected her to be angry or working or asleep, but not hitting the bottle. What was she thinking?

"Kaidan, I'm not going to argue about this anymore with you. Doctor Chakwas said I'd be fine. I told you I'll be fine and now I need to get back to work."

Shepard tried to walk past him but he stopped her, holding her arm gently but firmly. "How much have you had to drink?"

She nearly snarled. "None of your damn business."

He pulled her further into the lounge and the doors hissed closed behind them, his previous calm obliterated by her harsh comments. Maybe Adams was right about showing her he meant business. "I'm serious Shepard. You've just been exposed to more Prothean technology _and_ an actual Prothean. You can't just…"

"It's Commander. And I've had one fucking glass, Kaidan. Give it a rest!"

Kaidan looked hurt and he shook his head angrily. "You know I actually came back to apologize, but now… Why can't you let me care about you? Is it really so awful that I want to help?"

"I can take care of myself," Shepard retorted coldly.

"Yeah, I can see how well that's going for you so far," Kaidan added spitefully. She scowled at him but what she really wanted to do was slap him.

"How dare you... I've taken care of everything! Every mission; I'm there. Every time something goes wrong; I'm there. Every time someone needs something; I'm there. Over and over and over! I haven't complained. I haven't said no or get somebody else or I'm too tired. Because I can't be! Because everyone fucking needs Commander Shepard to do every fucking little thing for them!" Kaidan didn't say anything and that made her want to slap him even more. So she went on just for good measure.

"I can obviously, take care of myself," she huffed. "And everyone else, it seems. So don't you dare tell me what I need to do…Major." He stepped toward her and she instinctively stepped away. Kaidan looked hurt but determined. He walked up to her and tried to take her into his arms.

"Don't," Shepard warned, pushing forcefully at his chest but he didn't listen. Instead he pulled her closer to him with the very hand that tried to push him away. She tried to snatch her hand away, but his grip was firm and she only succeeded in tugging herself closer to him. He caught her in his arms and wrapped himself around her like a shield.

"Kaidan…" she reprimanded. "Let me go."

She fought against his embrace, pushing at him, smacking his shoulders as his arms secured her sturdily against his hard body, effectively pinning her. Shepard panted in aggravation, knowing that if she really wanted to get free, she probably could. But doing so would mean she'd have to seriously injure Kaidan. Then again, depending on how intent he was, they might just end up hurting each other far more than she was willing to take it.

"Kaidan, I mean it!" He just held her firmly, not flinching at her strikes, not even trying to avoid her hits. She didn't want to hurt him. Not really. She just wanted him to give up, to let her go. But he wasn't giving in. He didn't let go. Shepard felt her blood boil at that. After all the times she needed him, now was when he picked to support her? Did he forget all that? Did he forget everything she had to go through in the past year without him?

"I don't need you!" She finally slapped him, a bright red print slowly spreading across his cheek. He looked shocked for a moment, but the expression faded and he just pursed his brows. Not in anger, but in heartache. She'd injured him, but it wasn't the welt on his face that bothered him. Shepard frowned furiously at him, enraged that he wasn't mad at her for saying such cutting words, for hitting him even. She wanted him to fight her, to yell at her, to do anything but stand there holding her hostage against her own emotions.

"Let me go, Major." Shepard threatened dangerously this time.

Kaidan shook his head. "Shepard," he started.

She slapped him again and he stopped trying to talk to her. He didn't even look surprised this time, he just looked… wounded. Shepard hated that he just took it, hated that he didn't try to defend himself from her. She pounded his shoulder angrily once and when he didn't respond she did it again, then again. Shepard pushed at him, her breath coming out in short angry bursts. She even risked kneeing him where it would cause the most damage but she was pressed too close to him to gain the leverage she needed to make any of her blows truly count.

Kaidan held her fast, letting her hit him, letting her hurt him, until she slipped while trying to kick him a second time and the only thing she could do was hold on to him to keep herself from falling. Shepard's breath came out in a frustrated gasp. Her arms wrapped themselves tightly around his neck for support. She could barely stand, whether from physical or emotional exhaustion, he wasn't sure. He supported her steadily, holding her up as her legs nearly buckled beneath her.

"Hey," he said softly, looking down into her livid eyes. "I've got you."

"I can take care of myself," she reiterated, trying to regain her balance. But he didn't let her go.

"I know you can take care of yourself, Shepard," he whispered. "I know you're strong and capable and the only person who can lead this war."

"Don't…" she whispered back, defeated… helpless. She didn't want him to comfort her. He hushed her tenderly as she gave in, letting him pull her back up to her feet. Shepard's head dropped onto his shoulder, her fingers clutched his shirt as he resituated his intense hold on her. She felt the heat from his body through her clothes, smelled the spicy scent of his soap barely clinging to him, and it just made it worse. Wanting him so badly the past year and never having him. Wondering if this was all just a dream now and she'd wake up and find he'd left her again.

"I'm going to be here for you. Even if you don't need it. Even if you don't want it. I'm going to be right here for you."

"I don't need you," she lied, pushing against him again and lifting her head away to look at his expression. She wanted him to be angry. It would be easier if he were angry, because she was still angry with him. Still angry even though she wasn't supposed to be. Still hurt even though he was here now trying to make up for it.

"You don't mean that," Kaidan answered.

"You _left _me!" The words escaped her mouth in a rush, her pent up feelings finally falling out of her. "When I needed you, you _left!_ I woke up alone, Kaidan! With strangers, with terrorists even. I was stuck with Cerberus, stuck fighting the Collectors and you left me to face that without you. I _needed _you. I needed your support, needed your trust! I lost everyone I cared about! You have no idea what that was like, waking up and not knowing where you were, or if you were okay. And then finding out the people who brought me back were our enemies?"

Shepard's fingers curled around the thick fabric of his shirt, wrinkling it. Her head dropped, she couldn't even look at him. "Then when I finally saw you on Horizon and you accused me of betraying everything I stood for, for betraying you… What was I supposed to do, Kaidan? Cerberus brought me back. Not the Alliance. Not my crew. Cerberus… terrorists! I never left the Alliance. I never left you. You _left_ me. You left me to Cerberus."

She dared to look up at him, her own pain reflecting back to her in his eyes. Kaidan stayed quiet and Shepard frowned, remembering how deeply his abandonment tore at her heart. "Even when I came back, I turned myself in to the Alliance, Kaidan. What more did you want from me? What more could I do to prove that I never abandoned my mission? That I've always been an Alliance soldier? That I was still me? You never came to see me. Not once! I lost everything all over again. My crew, my ship, my post… you…"

"I know I hurt you," he finally replied, guiltily. "I'm sorry."

"Where were you when I needed you, Kaidan?" Shepard accused miserably. "Why couldn't you be here for me when I needed you?"

"I'm sorry, Shepard," Kaidan answered. "I told you why already. I know it's not enough. But I'm here now."

Her gaze turned angry again, her eyes glistening but the tears never fell. Shepard shook her head. "How can you come back now and tell me that you care, tell me that you worry about me and try to take care of me? You weren't there when I needed you. Not on Horizon… not on Earth. I took care of myself just fine then. And I'm more than capable of taking care of myself now."

"I can't," Shepard continued, heartbroken. "I can't need you again." She still couldn't cry but she buried her face into his shoulder anyway. She wondered if it was instinct or shame from her lack of tears that caused her to do so. Her arms tightened around his neck and he held her close, showing her he wasn't going to let go. Not now. Not ever. Shepard clutched him tighter. "You _left_ me when I needed you."

"I know," he muttered apologetically into her hair.

"I lied," Shepard admitted sadly. "I didn't forgive you. I just wanted to forget what happened. I wanted us to be okay, to move forward and have what we had before. Now... I'm not sure I can forgive you being here now and not then."

She wanted to cry, wanted the tears to wash out this pain in her chest. More than that though, she just wanted this hollow feeling in her heart to go away. Shepard buried her face in the crook of Kaidan's neck, trying to drown out her heartache in his scent instead. She closed her eyes and focused on how it felt to be safe and secure in his arms. Trying to let the feeling flood into all those past moments when she needed him and he wasn't there.

"It's okay, Shepard," Kaidan told her, his heart sinking at her confession. "I'll be here when you can."


	19. Apologies

Missing Moments: Apologies

Kaidan continued to hold her, not wanting to let her go. After everything Shepard said, he just wanted to make it better. To somehow show her that he would never leave her again. But words weren't going to convince her, just like they didn't convince him back on Horizon or on Mars. Her death dealt him a blow, but that hadn't been her fault. He had actually made a choice when he finally saw that she was alive. At the time, he thought it was the right one, but looking back now he wasn't so sure.

"I'm sorry…" Kaidan whispered to her again.

Shepard lifted her head off his shoulder and looked at him, his eyes intense with guilt and worry. She still loved him. That hadn't changed. It wouldn't change. As he gazed back at her, she noticed for the first time the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, the silver touching his sideburns. Three years had made such a difference. He seemed so much older now. Or maybe it was this war with the reapers that had aged him, not the years. Shepard knew this couldn't be easy for him either.

He'd dealt with her death, she reminded herself. She'd put herself in his shoes before and believed she would have done the same. Knowing that didn't stop her from feeling hurt by what happened though. It should have eased the pain, made it more bearable somehow, but it didn't. Shepard had been proud of him for sticking to his beliefs, for staying true to himself. She'd hid behind that as much as she could. It was far easier to say she understood, to defend Kaidan's actions to herself and to her crew than it was to deal with the scars his choices left on her heart.

She wanted to forget. To forget how that hurt her. To forget the frustration she felt after Horizon, the loneliness she felt back on Earth. Shepard just wanted him back. It mattered that he wasn't there and yet it didn't. She'd spent so much time unable to be with him, lost so much time with him. In fact, she nearly lost him completely on Mars. Her heart ached at the thought. She didn't want to waste anymore of what little time they had left arguing about this. He was here now. She should have just been happy that he was here with her now.

Kaidan loosened his grip and Shepard found herself immediately missing the warmth of his arms, the feeling of her body pressed tightly against his. He slowly brushed a strand of her hair from her face and she shut her eyes. His hand caressed her cheek and she looked at him again, noting his face was still pink from where she had hit him. Twice. Her heart dropped, realizing what she had done. Shepard looked over him, her hands going over his shoulders and chest, brows pursed in worry. How hard had she hit him? How badly did she hurt him?

"Kaidan…"

"It's alright," he assured her, lifting Shepard's chin when her gaze dropped ashamed. Kaidan looked into her eyes and gave her a half smile. "I'm okay."

Her brow creased further. She wasn't sure she believed him and her hand instantly went to caress his burning cheek. He was warm, the scruff from his evening shadow rough beneath her fingers. Kaidan took her hand in his and pulled it toward his mouth, kissing the palm that slapped him. Shepard nearly died inside. How could she hit him?

"Kaidan, I'm sorry," she started. "I never meant…"

"I'm fine, Shepard, really." Kaidan put her hand back on his cheek and smiled again, happy that she was upset for actually hitting him. Her fawning made the aches more bearable, almost worthwhile even. "You weren't trying very hard."

Shepard got a little angry that he was so quick to write off what she had done and she slipped her hand away. "What do you mean I wasn't trying very hard? I _hit_ you, Kaidan. There's no excuse for that."

"I've seen you take down metal geth almost barehanded, Shepard. Trust me, if you really wanted to hurt me I'd be in the med bay right now," Kaidan said almost seriously. "Like I said, you weren't trying very hard to get away from me."He pulled her hand back up to his lips and kissed her knuckles. "And I'm really glad you weren't trying that hard."

"Don't make excuses for me," Shepard stated with a hint of authority, still feeling a tad guilty but not wanting to him to let go of her hand.

"Alright, no excuses," Kaidan conceded. "I shouldn't have pinned you and you shouldn't have hit me, but it happened and we both came out alright." He rubbed her hand in his for a moment then sighed, his brows pursing with worry over her. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah," Shepard replied, feeling lighter now. "I'll be fine. What about you though?"

"Well, you know how I feel about you, Shepard. And a few fights now and again aren't going to stop me from loving you. But if you…"

"Kaidan," Shepard interrupted. He released her hand and she let it rest over his heart. Shepard stroked his chest slightly. "I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't want us to work out. I want this… I want you."

Kaidan's expression brightened and he gave her a relieved smile. Shepard returned the gesture. She wanted to show him how sorry she was, to make up for the harsh words, the fading welt on his face. She lost herself in his golden eyes and clutched his shirt longingly. Just as she started to move closer to him though, the door hissed open and a pair of chuckling voices interrupted the moment. Shepard immediately backed up and Kaidan reluctantly let her slip away.

"Then Captain Toni walked in the mess and we…" James stopped mid-sentence and Shepard stepped back to a more appropriate distance from the Major. Vega held a brief expression of shock before the corner of his mouth tilted up to a sly smirk. "We uh, interrupting something, Lola?"

She gave Kaidan a patient smile before turning to James to answer. "No, I was just leaving."

"Are you sure?" Joker chimed in. "We've got more than enough to deal you in if you want to play, Commander. And a little R&R wouldn't kill you, you know."

"Or, you know, we could just, uh….come back later," James added, glancing over at Alenko to try to get a read on what was going on.

"It's not like we can't set up down in the shuttle bay," Cortez noted, sharing a look with Vega.

"What are you guys talking about? I thought the whole reason to play was because we've got this great table for it right here in the lounge," Joker argued lightly. Vega nudged him just barely. "Ow, watch the arm Vega! I'm breakable you know."

James gave him a glare and Jeff glanced over at Shepard and Kaidan before realizing what was going on. "Oh," Joker stated. "Or you know, we could go. We should… we should probably just go."

"No, that's alright," Shepard said laughing a little at her crew. She started toward the door and noticed Kaidan's expression turn concerned. "I need to get back to the med-bay anyway," she added. He perked up a little at that and gave her a grateful half-smile.

"Alright, well… you staying, Major?" Vega asked. Kaidan was still watching Shepard and James noted his shirt was bunched up, his cheek a tiny bit pink. He wasn't sure what went on, but the Major looked a little worse for wear. Vega couldn't tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing though. He hoped that their timing hadn't ruined anything.

"I don't know," Kaidan started, while finally turning to look at the lieutenant.

"Oh and Major?" Shepard was nearly out of the lounge before she turned around, recalling something.

"Yeah Shepard?" Kaidan turned his attention away from James and back to her. The redness on his cheek was barely visible anymore. He looked better now, more hopeful. It made her smile softly and lifted a huge weight off her chest. Maybe they would be okay after all.

"I'd appreciate it if you could finalize the Eden Prime reports for Hackett and coordinate the mission brief for the next drop," Shepard told him. Giving him the task was much easier on her than she expected it would have been. Besides, after how awful she had just been to Kaidan, she felt she needed to give him a win. Not that she thought getting even more work was a reward, but he had asked if he could do those things for her earlier.

"Sure Shepard," he replied, gladly. "Whatever you need."

She smiled fully this time and Kaidan returned one of his own before turning back to Vega to answer his question from before. Shepard left for the med-bay. Surprisingly her headache was gone now, though she did feel a wave of exhaustion hit her as she made her way down the hall. How long had it been since Chakwas scanned her, twenty minutes, an hour, two? Shepard checked her omni-tool. It hadn't even been an hour.

Entering the med-bay, Shepard spotted Dr. Chakwas almost immediately. Chakwas turned at the sound of the doors and gave the Commander a worried smile. "I'm glad you're here, Commander. I was just about to call Traynor to see if she could locate you," Chakwas started.

"Why? Did Javik have any useful information?" Shepard asked.

"Yes, he did in fact," Chakwas started solemnly. "Javik informed me that most of what he knew concerning memory exchanges between their species and others were related to the asari. The Protheans believed that due to the asari's empathetic nature they often internalized shared information as their own, particularly when it involved strong emotional responses. He didn't recall any instances concerning the effect it would have on humans, but given the similarities in our physiology I'd say that it's quite possible his exchange with you would have the same effect."

"Are you saying that I felt what Javik felt in those visions?"

"Not necessarily. From how Javik explained it, it would be more likely for you to internalize those emotions and attach them to a situation you yourself are facing. Your personal feelings would be heightened, so to speak. But the effects are temporary, so you needn't worry. Besides, you've often kept your emotions in check, Commander, so I can't be certain that Javik's interaction would have any ill effects on you at all."

"Ill effects… like getting angry when I normally don't," Shepard summed up quietly.

"Yes, that could very well be a side-effect, which is why I'm glad you're here," Chakwas added. "I'm fairly certain we can use your hormone level as a base line to let us know when your body is no longer responding to Javik's 'reading'. Since Javik mentioned that he sensed a bit of turmoil in you, it would be best if you stayed here in the med-bay for observation or up in your cabin for the next few hours until your hormone levels return to normal to avoid any complications, just to be safe."

"I think it's a little late for that," Shepard sighed under her breath.

"Something happen, Commander?" Chakwas asked. She scanned Shepard with her omni-tool again to see if anything had changed.

"You could say that," Shepard responded a little remorsefully.

Karin smiled an encouraging smile, "I'm almost glad to hear it."

"What? Why?"

Karin laughed a little, "To remind us all that you're still human. Everything you've done, everything you've accomplished; you're an amazing woman, an incredible leader. And sometimes it seems like you're too good of a Commander. But even heroes can make mistakes." She looked at Shepard a little sadly after that though. "I think we tend to forget that sometimes."

"I don't feel much like a hero," Shepard confessed.

"Heroes never do," Chakwas responded.

Shepard leaned back on the med table and sighed. Even if Javik's reading had made her feel more angry than she was, it didn't mean that what she felt wasn't true. She'd been more honest with Kaidan about how she felt in that heated moment than she'd been with him since Horizon. All this time she'd been tiptoeing around the issue, wanting it to just disappear so that she could move on, so that they could be together. Whether or not Javik's memories affected her, their argument had been a long time in coming.

"Commander," Chakwas asked gently. "Are you alright?"

"I'm…" Shepard considered what might happen if she was honest about how she felt all the time. No, she had to be strong for them. She had to be strong for herself. She was their leader, their Commander and everyone was depending on her to be okay, to be strong. "I'll be fine."

"I'm sure you will," Chakwas replied supportively. She recorded Shepard's scan in the omni-tool and analyzed the new readings. After a few moments, the doctor nodded approvingly. "Your body seems to be returning to normal, some of the levels have dropped dramatically already. At this rate I'd say you'll be yourself again in a couple hours."

"Thanks doctor," Shepard stated, standing up straight. She was relieved to hear she'd be alright, not that she knew anything was wrong before. However, it always felt good to get a clean bill of health from the doctor, or at least reassurances. "I think I'll go lie down in my cabin."

"You're welcome, Commander," Chakwas replied. "I'd like to do one final scan before you leave for any new missions though, if that's alright."

"I'll make sure to come down before the next drop," Shepard promised.

Walking out of the med-bay, Shepard glanced across the mess toward Liara's room and that reminded her of how she'd treated her friend just a little while ago. Shepard wasn't sure she'd get the chance to apologize if she went to her own cabin now. She walked over and took a deep breath before going into Liara's room. Liara was at her console, reviewing files on her agents as usual. She turned as the door opened and looked over worriedly at Shepard.

"Shepard…" Liara started. "Did you need something?"

"Yeah," Shepard replied a bit guiltily. "I need to tell you I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. Kaidan and I had just gotten into an argument, but that shouldn't have mattered. You didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't very professional of me to take my anger out on you. "

"It's alright, I understand, Shepard," Liara smiled her shy quiet smile. "I actually saw Kaidan before I tried to go in to talk to you. I guess you could say I knew what I was walking into. I'm only sorry that I don't have your skill for diffusing volatile situations."

Shepard sighed, "Still, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that."

"I suppose I can manage to forgive you," Liara smiled. "After all, I wasn't here after you and Kaidan fought on Horizon. The least I can do is be here for you now." Her expression turned worried. "On that note, how are you and Kaidan?"

Shepard walked over and sat down at Liara's other console, resting her elbows on her knees. She put her hand to her forehead, trying to figure out the answer to that question herself. More than anything, she wanted them to be okay. She wanted their relationship, if she could call it that, to work out. So far though, it felt like every time things started to get good, they would get into another fight. Shepard sighed.

"We're okay, I think. I don't know, Liara. We keep butting heads. I want to be with Kaidan, but I'm just not sure what it is we have right now or how to move on from our past. Horizon was just the beginning and then there was Earth… He left me Liara. I thought I was over that, but… I don't know."

"You left him as well," Liara commented back.

"What?"

"When the first Normandy went down, Shepard, the Alliance considered you dead. It may not have been your choice, but you still left him. And for Kaidan, it was two years before you came back. I can't imagine what that must have been like for him."

Shepard looked down at the floor, "No, I suppose I can't imagine what that would be like either."

Liara walked over to put a hand on the Commander's shoulder. "It hasn't been easy, for either of you. I don't regret giving you to Cerberus, Shepard. They were the only ones who could have brought you back. But I am saddened to know that decision has caused both you and Kaidan more heartache."

Shepard sighed, "At least I'm alive to feel my heart ache."

"That is true," Liara agreed. "And I'm sure it hasn't all been heartache with you and Kaidan, has it?"

"No," Shepard smiled, feeling a little better. "No, it hasn't."

"I'm happy to hear that," Liara said, smiling. Noticing how exhausted Shepard was though, she turned around back to her console. "I'm glad you came by, Shepard, but I have a lot of work to do. Maybe we can talk more later?"

"Sure," Shepard replied standing up and making her way to the door. Before she got far though, she turned back to her friend. "Liara…"

"Yes?"

"Thanks."

"Of course, Shepard," Liara finished with a smile.

Shepard wearily made her way to her cabin. She didn't even bother getting undressed and barely kicked off her boots before falling into her bed. For once, the mattress felt soft. Shutting her eyes she recalled the feeling of her hand on Kaidan's face, his slight smile and his worried brows. She wanted so much to make things right with him. With the war going on, she didn't know what kind of time they had and she didn't want to spend it fighting. Her eyes sliding shut, Shepard vowed to herself that no matter what happened she'd find a way to make things right with him again. She would find a way to allow herself to do more than just want him back in her life; she'd find a way to let herself need him in her life again.


	20. Cerberus Ties

Missing Moments: Cerberus Ties

Shepard seemed to be back to her old self again before the mission drop on the Gellix Facility and Kaidan was happy to note that she looked like she managed to get some rest in after all. She took the field reports and briefing without hesitation and appeared genuinely grateful for his help which soothed his inner doubts. Shepard even came to talk to him about Cerberus after the mission. And this time, they didn't fight about anything. Whatever Cerberus was before, it wasn't what they were when she had been with them. Kaidan felt better about that and on a whole it seemed like things were looking up.

He mulled over what Shepard said about Cerberus and the Illusive Man for a while longer though and thought about the people they found at the facility. It made all the difference knowing that these scientists in Cerberus weren't cold hearted killers. They weren't simple terrorists. They were people thinking they were doing the right thing, lured in by the Illusive Man who was so convincing and offering such amazing benefits it would take only the most stubborn or insightful of people to refuse him. He thought about how easily he might have been recruited to join someone like that had he not been with the Alliance to begin with.

Talking about Joker needing poker tips to Shepard also made him wonder how his friend felt about all this. He'd never really brought up Cerberus with Joker, even though after his brief about the events on Horizon he learned that Joker piloted the new Normandy under Shepard's command. But once on board, neither of them really talked about it. Kaidan supposed he never brought it up because it caused such a rift between him and Shepard. He had just been too occupied with her reaction to Cerberus that he hadn't even thought about what Joker thought. Maybe Kaidan could get a little more illumination from him.

Making his way up to the bridge, Kaidan thought about the Cerberus scientists, trapped and fearing for their lives. Did Shepard feel the same way when she was with Cerberus? She didn't talk about it much. Not that he was the most accepting audience. Usually when they talked about Cerberus they were on opposite sides of the table. While Shepard didn't defend all the Illusive Man's actions, she didn't completely write everything he did off either. She always had her own reasons, her own way of seeing things, but he just couldn't understand why she would give the Illusive Man a chance to begin with. He sighed; Shepard was definitely a lot more trusting than he was.

Traynor greeted him with a data pad requesting his report and other various inquires from the Alliance as usual. There was always something that needed doing, he noted. Not that he minded. The work helped take his mind off the state of the war back on Earth, at least for a little while. Kaidan wondered for a moment if that was one of the reasons Shepard spent so much time talking with her crew, to take her mind off of Earth. She'd shouted at James before they went to the Mars facility, so he knew she didn't like leaving Earth any more than the rest of them. He took the data pad and headed for the front of the ship.

They were in FTL, which could be handled mostly through autopilot but Joker had been extra careful of late. While he'd always kept his eyes open for trouble, Kaidan noticed he did it even more so now than when they served on the SR1. For a moment, he wondered if that's why Joker joined Cerberus in the first place, to make up to Shepard what had happened to her on the old Normandy. He remembered Jeff's guilt, how he felt it was his fault that she was gone. He was certain Joker was so careful now because he didn't want to lose Shepard a second time.

He knew that feeling only too well and was glad that the Commander always asked him to come on high risk missions with her. Shepard told him that she just like having his skill set and missed him watching her back like in the old days. Kaidan assumed it was more than that, perhaps her way of trying to make up for what time they lost when the Normandy was shot down or maybe her way of repairing some of the damage their brief meeting at Horizon caused in their relationship. Though he had to admit it was a nice boost to his ego to know that she missed him, he was just happy to be able to take an active role in keeping her safe. He wasn't going to lose her again, at least not if he could help it.

"Hey Major, what's up?" Joker spoke up as he walked into the cockpit.

"Nothing much. Just wondering how the new Normandy handles. She's much bigger than the SR1," Kaidan commented, making up an excuse to come and chat with him. However, seeing the new Normandy put through its paces wasn't entirely an excuse, since Kaidan had been curious to see how the ship handled even before Mars. However, EDI had spent a lot of time up in the bridge and though Kaidan did his best to show her that he was okay seeing her, catching sight of her unhinged him for a few seconds each time he saw her that first week he was back. Now she was just like any other crew member, but it wouldn't have mattered either way seeing as she wasn't even up on the bridge as usual.

"Have a seat," Joker offered. "It's been a while since you've been my wingman."

"Yeah, just a few years," Kaidan replied.

"I figured, you know, with all the promotions you've picked up in the past couple years that you've probably forgotten what it's like to work in the nitty gritty with the rest of us lowly lieutenants."

Kaidan chuckled a bit. "I think being constantly under fire during mission drops qualifies me for knowing what it's like to work in the 'nitty gritty'. Besides, I've kept up on my skill set if that's what you're asking."

Joker motioned Kaidan to the seat on his right. Normally EDI sat there, but at the moment she was down in the AI core working on installing some new tech that Adams found which could possibly decrease her lag time between the core and her new platform. Not that Joker noticed any delay but then again he didn't use quantum computing or nanoseconds to measure time and efficiency like she did. Kaidan took a seat and flipped through the panels getting a general layout of their position and a feel for the SR2's system.

Kaidan cycled through scenarios and flight paths easily, the new interface felt extremely streamlined and he found himself wondering if the Alliance had the chance to implement more systems like this on its other frigates while the Normandy was retrofitted. The SR2 was impressive both on the inside and out. He remembered talking to Shepard about that when he first boarded the vessel. The Illusive Man really spared no expense on rebuilding the Normandy bigger and better than it was before.

"Wow, I guess Shepard was right about there being a few perks to working with Cerberus," Kaidan mentioned absently, while admiring the console.

"Yeah well, don't go looking for an invitation from the Illusive Man now, okay. Shepard's lucky we got out before Cerberus went all crazy and decided to, you know, start killing humanity instead of saving it."

"Ah, you don't have to worry about me doing that. I'm just noticing how it might have been appealing for her. And you too I guess," Kaidan added.

"Hey, Cerberus gave me the chance to fly again after the Alliance grounded me… indefinitely. Besides, no long reports, no red tape, just take a mission, go out and do it. You're damn right there were a few perks to working with them but don't go spreading that around okay, they aren't exactly the same organization they used to be. Though I do miss how they kept my baby so clean. The Alliance retrofit has the Normandy looking like the reapers came on board and had a tech party or something. Cerberus definitely ran a much brighter shop."

Kaidan chuckled a little at that. He hadn't been inside the Normandy before the retrofit, but he heard the ship looked like it came right out of the shipyard when Shepard first turned it in to the Alliance. One of the ensigns even claimed that the walls shined it was so clean. Joker had a few pics of some of the SR2 squad while they were on the ship and Kaidan had to admit the interior looked quite a bit brighter. Of course the private sector always treated its ships differently than the military sector.

"Speaking of Cerberus," Kaidan tentatively brought up.

"Uh oh, here it comes," Joker interrupted.

"I'm just curious about what happened while you and Shepard were with Cerberus. I mean, how did you get mixed up in all of that in the first place?"

"Miranda contacted me," Joker started, pulling off his hat and rubbing his head. "She told me that Cerberus could give me a second chance and set up a meeting for me to meet the Illusive Man if I was interested in changing the past. I guess, I don't know, Kaidan. After Shepard died and the Alliance cited me for insubordination I just didn't care anymore. I hated knowing she was gone because of me, and the Alliance took away the one thing that really mattered to me – flying. So yeah, I gave it a shot. After I signed up and shipped out, they told me about Shepard."

"So you knew about her before she woke up," Kaidan stated solemnly.

"Well yeah, but I was on a secure Cerberus space station by that time, Kaidan. It's not like I could hop on the extranet and send out a message to the old crew, hey guess what, Shepard's alive and in a coma, send cards! I mean, you'd been promoted by then and were out doing your top secret shit already. As for everyone else, there's no way I'd know how to contact Garrus or Liara, let alone Wrex or Tali. Besides, it'd been over a year. It felt like everyone else had moved on and I was still stuck. So yeah, I knew about her and I didn't try to let the Alliance or anyone else know about it."

Kaidan's brow creased a bit angrily. "Joker, you knew how I felt about her. If I'd have known that Shepard was alive…"

"You'd what, Kaidan. Come out and rescue her from the best doctors in the galaxy? Raid a maximum security level space station owned by like the richest guy in existence? No, you know what I think. You would have followed orders and stuck with the Alliance, just like you did on Horizon. You saw Shepard, Kaidan. And even though I wasn't down there on Horizon, from Shepard's reaction you weren't even happy about it. But really, it doesn't matter now anymore does it."

Kaidan felt his anger flare up and before he could bite back the comment, it came flying out, "That's not fair, Joker. She was with Cerberus-"

"So was I! Garrus was with us too and you still thought the worst. I mean, I can't even see how you'd think Shepard of all people would be anything like the Cerberus cells you guys fought back when we were chasing Saren, let alone me and Garrus too. What you said on Horizon wasn't just a shot against her; it was a shot against all of us," Joker retorted. He couldn't just sit there and let Kaidan keep using Cerberus as an excuse for not trusting Shepard, for not trusting any of them.

Kaidan's expression softened and guilt replaced his anger. "I know. Shepard's told me how hard that was for her."

"Yeah? Well just so you know, it wasn't all rainbows and kittens for me either. It sucked big time. You were my friend, Kaidan. You were supposed to have my back, too." Joker sulked a bit after that.

"I'm sorry, Joker. I didn't even know you were piloting for Shepard until the debrief."

"Shit, I don't know if that's better or worse." Joker scoffed. He glanced over at Kaidan, taking in the hurt and conflicted look on his friend's face and sighed. "Look, I know you didn't come up here just to get yelled at. And Shepard did tell me to go easy on you."

"She did?"

"Yeah, well apparently you've been through a lot too," Joker mulled over. "I'm sorry. I just needed to get it out there. You've been such a jerk about the whole Cerberus thing since Horizon and then I've got Shepard telling me to let it go. But it's not like I can trade punches with you down in the shuttle bay like James or threaten to snipe your ass like Garrus. I don't really have an outlet like that."

Kaidan felt bad. Joker was so capable of doing a lot of other things. Smart, intuitive, and the best pilot in the Alliance, Kaidan often forgot that despite his cocky attitude, Joker had to deal with feeling like he was less of a man for not being able to participate in the rough stuff he and the other guys were so used to taking for granted. He took in a deep breath, realizing that Joker probably had it a lot harder than anyone knew, and a lot harder than he really wanted any one to give him credit for. Jeff wasn't the type to expect or even want a handout. Kaidan couldn't help but want to throw his friend a rope though.

"Well you know, you can yell at me anytime if it helps," Kaidan managed to offer with a smirk.

Joker laughed. "I think I'm good for now. Same time tomorrow though?"

It was Kaidan's turn to laugh this time. "Sure."

They sat quietly for a few minutes before Kaidan cleared his throat. "So uh, what's this I hear about you and EDI?"

Joker smiled, "Well, you know I love my ships."

Kaidan laughed, "Yeah."

"EDI's more than just the Normandy though and we've been through a lot together. We ah, really didn't get along at first. I think that makes us closer now though, you know? And now that she has that body… I don't know, is it creepy that I'm falling for an AI instead of a person?"

"Last time I checked, EDI was a person."

Joker gave Kaidan a grateful look, "Thanks Kaidan. That means a lot coming from you."

Kaidan returned a smile, "Anytime."

They both turned their attention back to the panels in front of them. Kaidan thought about Joker and EDI's relationship, hoping that if what Joker said was true and they didn't get along at first, that would mean that he and Shepard had a chance to be closer to each other as well. Maybe even more so than before if they could get past the things that had kept them apart the last 3 years. It was definitely a long shot, but one he would hope for. After all, she never did give up on him and he never stopped loving her. That had to count for something.

"What about you and the Commander?" Joker asked after a couple minutes of silence. "I mean, that thing in the lounge, that seems a little fast for you, you know after everything that's happened… what's going on?"

Kaidan grimaced a little, "It's not what you think, not that I don't want it to be. We just… we were trying to make up after a fight."

"Was there lots of kissing? I'm guessing there had to be lots of kissing if Shepard had her way," Joker said with a smirk.

"Ah, we didn't get that far," Kaidan answered.

"Oh shit, we totally walked in on you guys, didn't we?" Joker resisted the urge to smack his forehead.

"It's alright, Joker. Shepard and I are just taking it slow right now."

"You mean you're taking it slow. Shepard would've jumped your guns already if you'd let her," Joker quipped. Kaidan blushed all the way to his ears and Joker laughed. "Don't tell me you didn't know."

"No, I know. She's ah, expressed that already," Kaidan replied with a nervous chuckle.

"Then why? Why are you not up in her cabin right now instead of talking to me?" Joker questioned.

Kaidan sighed. There were too many answers to that. All of which sounded like excuses. But Kaidan couldn't help himself, he was always cautious because of his biotic powers. And then after what happened with Rahna, he became even more wary of getting in relationships. He'd tried having flings when he first joined the Alliance like all the other soldiers, but after a few of those he couldn't find the point of it all. If he was going to be with someone, he was really going to be with them - one hundred percent. And the truth was, right now he just didn't feel like he was with Shepard that one hundred percent.

It shouldn't have mattered, he knew that. With the war, with the future uncertain, he knew he should take what little joy he had left in life and reach for it to the fullest. But he couldn't break past his own ideals, his own beliefs. He hadn't done it when Shepard came back from the dead and he couldn't do it now even with her standing right in front of him and the end of the galaxy looming over them. He'd told her he had her back, he'd never doubt her again, and he had to make sure that he followed through on that. After Mars he'd thought he put his own misgivings behind him only to find out on the Citadel with his gun pointed at Shepard's heart that he hadn't.

A replay of the scene flashed in his mind and he felt his chest constrict. He'd been willing to take a shot at her, willing to kill her if necessary all because he couldn't see past his own suspicions. Shepard seemed to brush the whole incident aside, but he still hadn't gotten over it. How do you point a weapon at the person you love most and expect to be forgiven for that? Out of everything that had happened, Shepard had been far more concerned with Horizon, with him leaving her rather than the fact he had drawn his weapon on her and had been willing to kill her. He'd never understand women.

He'd been trying to make it up to her. Trying to keep her safe on the battlefield, trying to help her out while on the ship, yet Shepard had a stubborn streak. He'd known that before she boarded the SR1 after reading her file. Anyone willing to hold off that many batarians with no real chance of success had to either be insane or extremely bull-headed. And it turned out, Shepard happened to be a bit of both. How else could she come out of a coma and head straight for another suicide mission through the Omega-4 relay? It often seemed that Shepard defeated the odds by merely refusing defeat, success fueled by the power of her will. It was crazy, and it drove him crazy that she did it that way, but it worked. So far.

"You're right," Kaidan finally answered. "I should be up there with her… but I'm just not there yet. I'm not the man she deserves, Joker."

"I don't think Shepard really cares about what she deserves, Kaidan," Joker quipped. "I mean really, if she wants to be with you, does it matter if you think you're good enough for her or not?"

"Jeff, I had Shepard once and I lost her. I keep going over in my mind all the things I did wrong and all the reasons I had for doing them. Loving her didn't change my choices. I wouldn't compromise what I believed in, I had to take a stand. In doing that, I pushed her away. I hurt her and part of me wonders if she'll ever forgive me for it because I'm sure I'd make the same choice given it again. But it's more than that. Even when we were together, I didn't know if she felt for me what I felt for her. On Horizon, I told her what she meant to me and she didn't return the sentiment. She's never once said she loves me, only that she has feelings for me, that she cares about me. I've told her a few times that she's the woman I love, but…"

"Yeah, but you know Shepard isn't all touchy feely like that. Just because she doesn't say it doesn't mean she doesn't feel it," Joker tried to explain.

"Maybe, but after everything that's happened between us…" Kaidan sighed, shaking his head. "It's not just that. Despite the war I need to take things slow with her, as if the reapers weren't attacking and the fate of the galaxy didn't depend on us. I need that normality right now. Not just to ground me but to keep me hoping for a better future. Because I can't do this if I don't have something to shoot for."

"Yeah, I get that," Joker stated sympathetically.

Kaidan turned his attention back to the console simply to do something rather than sitting and contemplating any more about the whats and whys of his and Shepard's rocky relationship. It was far easier to live in the moment, to just be happy to talk to her, to see her smile or watch her back while on the battlefield, easier to do that than to think of everything that had gone wrong between them. The fights they'd been having were hard enough as it was, dwelling on what he couldn't change wouldn't help him any.

"So," Kaidan started after clearing his throat a little.

"So?"

"You aren't going to tell Shepard about this little chat we had are you? I mean, I'd rather just take things at my own pace with her if that's alright."

Joker chuckled a bit and shook his head. "Well, you know, normally I'd be all up in the mess spreading the juicy Kaidan/Shepard gossip… but after ruining your make-up yesterday, I think I owe you one."

Kaidan laughed a little nervously at that wondering if Joker was actually being serious about chatting about them in the mess or if he was just joking. "Thanks, I think."

"Remember, I'm only giving you this once. Next time you pour your heart out to me, I'm posting it on the extranet," Joker teased.

"I'll keep that in mind," Kaidan said with a smirk, a slight weight lifting off his heart.

By the time EDI came back up Kaidan and Joker were talking about poker tactics and watching his tells especially when playing against James. Kaidan got up to give EDI back her seat and left. It'd still be a couple hours before they reached the next system, which gave him some time to finish up his reports and maybe check in on Shepard. After all, she did suggest he find something to help him take his mind off of things. He just hoped spending more time with her would help them work out all these kinks in their relationship.

When he got into the elevator though, instead of hitting the 3rd level to take him down to the crew quarters he hit the top level, which took him to the Captain's Cabin. His reports could wait for bit. After talking with Joker, he just really wanted to see her, to hear her voice and if he was lucky – make her smile. Walking through the door, it took Kaidan a moment to spot Shepard sitting on the couch in her room, a stack of datapads on her table along with a half-full mug of coffee. She turned to see who came in and gave him a small smile which he soaked in. "You need something, Major?"

"Just thought I'd come up for a chat," Kaidan replied. He walked over and sat down as she turned her attention back to the pad in her hand. Kaidan watched her quietly for a moment taking in her thoughtful brows until it looked like she was about finished with whatever report she had to review. He eyed the stack on the table and frowned a little. "Actually, from the look of it, you're probably too busy for that, aren't you."

Shepard caught the disappointment in his voice and glanced over at her pile of work. She gave him a slight half-smile. "Maybe you can stick around anyway and help me out."

"Really?" Kaidan sounded more surprised than anything. He didn't need to mention the argument they had just yesterday about it. The scene still jabbed at Shepard's heart. How she reacted to him, how she hurt him, all because of her own insecurities and pride. She only needed to look into his eyes to see the unspoken question there. _Will you really let me help you?_

"Well… maybe you were right," Shepard sighed. She still struggled with conceding to him, but deep down she knew that the war was bigger than both of them and in truth she shouldn't try to shoulder the burden of it all by herself. If he wanted to help, she shouldn't turn it away. She needed to learn to lean on him again if she was ever going to get over the past. "Besides, it was nice to not have to worry about the Eden Prime reports."

Kaidan chuckled a little, "You're not going to expect me to do all your homework for you now, are you Shepard?"

"If you have too much work already, Kaidan…"

"I'd love to help," Kaidan interrupted before she could change her mind on him. He sifted through the pile and pulled out Engineering's requisitions requests and ship maintenance status. Tilting it in her direction he smirked. "But only if you take some down time with me when I ask you to."

"I think I can manage that," Shepard smiled back at him.

Kaidan turned his attention to the pad in his hand and started to read. He'd picked engineering right off since he knew he was more proficient in that area than she was. It would take him half the time to skim through these, make any needed changes, and finalize them than it would for Shepard to do it. From their SR1 days, he remembered she always did great with field reports, but everything else took her quite a bit more time. Being that he'd served longer on ships than she did anyway, he knew that keeping the ship in technical working order wasn't her strongest suit.

They worked quietly together for half an hour. Kaidan had already gone through the engineering pad he started with as well as Cortez's shipping manifest and drop reports. Shepard just finished the file she started working on when he came in. She reached for another and he put his hand over hers, stopping her. He scooted closer to her, but not so much as to crowd her. He didn't want to rush this. Her eyebrow went up inquisitively before she looked back down at the stack. Only two more were left.

"I need to get to that," Shepard started.

"Actually, I think it's break time right now," Kaidan stated with a hint of authority. When she opened her mouth to protest, no doubt her argument would be that there were only a few more things left to get too, he shook his head. "Don't try to get out of it, Shepard. You already agreed to take some down time with me if I helped you out."

"I wasn't going to try to get out of spending time with you, Kaidan. It's just that there's…"

"I know there are only two reports left. But we're taking the break now," he practically ordered her. Shepard leaned back into the couch, admitting defeat, but she wasn't angry in the slightest. In fact, he caught a hint of a smile before her expression went back to business.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" She asked expectantly.

"I was talking with Joker and I guess I'm kind of curious now. I know it wasn't your choice to end up with Cerberus, but why did you stay? I mean, couldn't you have fought the Collectors without the Illusive Man's help? And why didn't you just come back to the Alliance after you woke up?"

"Kaidan…"

"I know, I'm sorry," he sighed. "I should probably just let it go. I know you were doing what you thought was right, Shepard. I guess I just… I don't know. I'm trying to find some closure here with the whole Cerberus thing. If you don't want to talk about it anymore, I understand." He let out an exasperated laugh at himself. "Maybe I'll never get it."

Shepard smiled at that then looked thoughtful. "I guess when it comes down to it, there just wasn't any reason to leave until the mission was complete."

"Yeah, I get that," Kaidan replied.

"Do you?" Shepard asked, unconvinced.

"Yeah, I do. After seeing the ship and talking with Joker, you had everything you needed to take down the Collectors. I'm not sure the Alliance would have given you that, or even that it could. We were still doing research, trying to figure out what was going on when I saw you on Horizon. But you already knew what was happening. You were already one step ahead. I think… I think maybe if I'd been given the choice to save people even if it wasn't completely on my terms, I might take it."

"Might?"

"I don't know, Shepard. One thing I've learned is that you never really know what you're capable of doing until you're forced to make a choice. Living with the consequences of that choice… that's the hard part." Kaidan's brows pursed remorsefully and Shepard wondered which choices of his he regretted. She didn't feel strong enough to ask him exactly what choices he meant though in case it was another confession that would break her heart like in the hospital when he told her that he didn't want to visit her while she was on Earth. But she also couldn't sit there and not give him her support.

"I'm here Kaidan, anytime you want to talk."

Kaidan frowned. She sounded so much like 'the Commander' right then rather than the woman he came to talk to. He supposed it was his own fault, he'd put her on defense mode again. His brows softened and he leaned back into the cushions and shut his eyes, taking in a deep breath. For a moment he thought back to the old SR1, how they chatted so easily, usually about him and his life. In the while he'd known Shepard, she'd never really talked much about herself to anyone. He recalled tormenting himself over not knowing enough about her after the Normandy's explosion.

"You know, I think of all the things we used to talk about. How it was for me at brain camp, being an L2, Rahna… we never really talked about you, Shepard. I guess with all these questions about Cerberus, I think what I'm trying to get at is to find a way to ask you about you."

"What do you want to know?"

Kaidan opened his eyes and looked at her. "It's that easy huh? Just ask away?"

"Sure, why not?" Shepard leaned back into the couch, mimicking his position. He smiled at her and she waited for him to ask her something.

"Alright," Kaidan started. "Well, you know about Rahna. How I loved her, well everyone loved her but… she was the first girl I fell in love with. I'm sure you have one of those, right?"

Shepard grinned mischievously. "You sure you want to go there, Major?"

He laughed, "I promise not to get too jealous."

"I'll hold you to that promise, but first I'm interested in knowing why out of everything you can think of to ask, you ask about my past relationships," she inquired back at him.

"Aha, well don't read into it too much, Shepard. I'm just trying to gain some equal ground here. Like I said, you know about Rahna – how I felt, what happened. It's not like I go sharing that story with just anyone, it's… privileged information. And I'd hope that I'm privileged enough for you to share something of yours like that with me."

"Alright, I can understand that," Shepard replied then looked up at the window. The stars blurred while in FTL, the lights flickering by so quickly that space sparkled. Combined with the ships blue mass effect fields the sight was beautiful. She could always get lost in the stars, for as long as she could remember. Watching them, she thought back to her first station after basic in the Alliance. "I guess the first guy I really fell for was Corporal Taron Hemmings."

"Wait a minute," Kaidan interrupted. "Are you saying that your first crush wasn't until you were enlisted in the Alliance?"

Shepard shrugged. "I had a few crushes before that sure, but no one like Taron."

"So what was it about this guy?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard reminisced back to when she was eighteen, hot-headed and over confident. She shook her head at herself and went on, "Taron… was competition. He beat me at everything, from the time it took to put together a rifle to running times to marksmanship. I hated him. Taron was my unspoken rival and he had this awful habit of rubbing it in. He said not to feel bad about losing to him since I was a girl though and I think that just made it worse."

"Ouch. I don't see how you could go from hating him to falling for him though." Kaidan gave her an incredulous look.

"I wasn't too hard," Shepard admitted. "I couldn't stand that he did better than I did, but I also admired him. And trying to keep up with Taron pushed me harder than I would have ever pushed myself had our positions been reversed. His goading is probably what sealed me in, otherwise I probably would have let it go. Instead, I worked vigorously and nearly non-stop. The funny thing was, he was right there training alongside me. For weeks we'd trade back and forth, watching each other, trying to one-up each other. Who could do more pull-ups, who could press more reps, who could get more head-shots? It was this exhilarating race."

"Uh-huh," Kaidan commented, not quite rolling his eyes. Shepard gave him a teasing look.

"You said you wanted to know."

"I know, I know."

Shepard laughed a little at Kaidan's response, obviously not getting too jealous would be hard for him. She knew it would be given his quick reaction to the unfounded rumors about her and Liara on the SR1. Not that he was the type to get angry and jealous, just the type to quietly walk away and not look back. Shepard didn't want him doing either of those things so she sat up. "Okay, well we don't have to talk about this anyway. It was a long time ago and…"

"Come on, Shepard. I'm a big boy. I think I can handle one story of your pining youth," Kaidan smiled reassuringly.

"Are you sure?"

"You know one of mine. I'd like to say I know one of yours," he replied sincerely.

"Alright… well. It wasn't long before I took the rivalry too far. In one of our sparring matches for CQC training, he said something. Taron always goaded me, but this time was different and the worst part is I don't even remember what it was that he said exactly. All I remember was that it made me so mad. Mad enough break a few of the combat training rules." Shepard paused for a moment and Kaidan caught a brief flicker of shame on her face. "In the end, I broke his nose then I cracked a couple of his ribs."

"You could have gotten discharged for that," Kaidan added worriedly.

"Yeah, I could have and if Taron hadn't lied to our Sergeant claiming it was an accident, I probably would have been a lot worse off. As it was I just got some extra chores tacked onto my duties for the next couple months afterwards." Shepard shook her head. "It was a stupid thing to do, but instead of taking advantage of it like I expected him to, Taron covered for me."

"I get the feeling you like the unexpected," Kaidan observed.

"Maybe," Shepard shrugged. "After that, I was more careful about competing with him. Taron didn't like that and one night he stopped me on my way to my bunk and we got into an argument. He called me a coward, I called him a lot of other things," Shepard smiled at that and Kaidan shook his head. "Before I knew it he kissed me and… well… that was that."

Kaidan chuckled a little. "It looks like you did a little more than just fall for him."

"Well…"

"Ah, I don't need the details, Shepard," he smiled at her. Shepard smiled back at him, obviously relieved that he wasn't counting on hearing her intimate moments with another man, even if it was nearly fifteen years ago. "It's good to know you like making up after a fight though. Gives me a little more hope that things are going to work out between us."

"Yeah, I guess it does." Shepard let out a soft laugh. "I hadn't thought about Taron in years."

"So what happened?"

"You mean why didn't we stay together?" Shepard shrugged. "Taron enlisted about 4 months before I did. Eventually he was stationed elsewhere and we went our separate ways."

"You never tried to contact each other?" Kaidan asked.

"I wasn't interested in settling down at the time and I definitely wasn't going to give up my career to follow him," Shepard started. "It wouldn't have mattered anyway."

"Why not?"

"Taron was killed in action while stationed at a colony on Anhur during the rebellions," Shepard noted a little sadly.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan replied in sympathy.

"I was supposed to tell you something happy though, wasn't I," Shepard noted glumly.

"No," Kaidan assured her. "I don't think love is always happy, Shepard. Sometimes it's just painful. When I think about, no matter how much I cared for her, I never even got to be with Rahna."

"And what about us?" She looked at him, her eyes for once filled with something he couldn't quite make out. He'd always been careful with his relationships, so much so that he always gave himself a way out of them. Maybe that wasn't the best way to handle dating someone, but Kaidan felt sure it saved him some major heartaches even if it kept him at a distance from his lovers. But Shepard, she wasn't the careful sort. He'd never given much thought to the types of relationships she might have had before him.

"I think we just take this one day at a time and see where it takes us," Kaidan responded with a slight half-smile. He brushed a loose strand of her hair back into place. Shepard shut her eyes and sighed a little.

"Can't we speed this up a bit?" Shepard complained. "It's been over a year, Kaidan. We've talked, we've fought, we've apologized… can't we just… pick up where we left off instead of taking things slow? It's not like we can't get to know each other while we're... getting to know each other."

Kaidan chuckled. "You never were patient."

"I prefer to get things done," Shepard quipped back with a sassy smile.

He laughed nervously. "I think there's an innuendo in there that I'm not ready to make good on yet."

"No?" Shepard asked sounding a little disappointed.

He leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek, "And I think it's time to get back to work."

Shepard watched as he started to scoot back to his spot on the couch, picking up the datapad as he sat back. She sighed, wanting to grab the collar of his shirt and yank him back over to her. Wanting to cover his mouth with her own, to let her lips move wantonly over his, to feel his tongue tease her, his hands grip her. Kaidan reached up and rubbed the scruff starting to emerge on his chin and Shepard found herself wanting to touch his rough cheeks, to feel his stubble beneath her fingertips. He tapped a few things on the datapad, the act reminding her of the pad in her own hands and she sighed.

Like with Taron all those years ago, she found herself being a little more careful this time. Maybe she was a coward. She still hadn't told Kaidan that she loved him, even after all that had happened. Jacob even flat out told her that her only real love was the Normandy. She wondered if that was true, if everyone looking from the outside in could see what she couldn't. Maybe she only thought she was in love with Kaidan. She'd never told him, never said _I love you_. Wouldn't she have said the words if they were true?

Shepard wasn't entirely certain what she and Kaidan had right now but if finding out meant taking things at a slower pace than she wanted then she was more than willing to make do. She'd made most of the first moves back on the SR1. Now she supposed she needed to give up a little control and let him make them this time around. Shepard smiled, watching him as he worked up here with her. They didn't have this back on the old Normandy when Kaidan was a Lieutenant and they had such different duties. Maybe taking it slow and enjoying moments like these wouldn't be so bad after all. Maybe if she really wasn't in love, she'd get the chance to fall in love with him anyway. And if she was… well Shepard couldn't say she minded the idea of falling in love with him again.


	21. The Trouble with Protheans

Missing Moments: The Trouble with Protheans

Shepard felt lighter after waking up. She and Kaidan even got the chance to talk a little more after finishing those reports. He asked about her childhood and why she joined the Alliance, and though she glazed over them a bit, Kaidan claimed he was just glad to know a little more about her. He was actually quite a good listener. Something she'd never given him a real chance to do on the SR1. She remembered asking him so many questions, keeping his stories going. Facilitating a conversation without revealing anything about herself was actually a type of interrogation tactic she'd been trained to use, but Shepard preferred to not think of it that way when talking to her crew.

Liara had mentioned a couple days before that she wouldn't mind talking later and Shepard hadn't gotten the chance to go down and see her yet, though she was sure Liara didn't much mind that. She was so invested in discovering everything she could about Prothean civilization from Javik that any extra time she had after missions and working with her Shadow Broker agents, she spent down in the port cargo hold trying to get him to talk to her. The task was nearly impossible given Javik's despondence to such things, of course, but Liara wouldn't stop trying.

Today though, Shepard wondered if Javik hadn't finally pushed Liara off the deep end. She felt the electricity in the air the moment she got out of the elevator on the crew deck. Javik was saying something about how only defeating the reapers mattered, his defense against any prying questions Liara presented him with and Liara suddenly shouted at him, her voice carrying out of the mess and through the halls.

"Can you not for one moment think of the progeny of the galaxy? If not for our discoveries on prothean technology many of us would not even be here! Shepard would not be here! Her people only joined the rest of us just 30 years ago, all because of a prothean artifact they discovered on Mars! All I am asking you for is information! Information that may one day save the galaxy if we fail!"

Shepard spotted Kaidan coming out of the starboard observation room, obviously overhearing Liara's shouting and wanting to know if everything was okay. She shared a brief worried look with him and she waited until he caught up with her before walking down the short hall into the mess. A table separated the asari from the prothean, not that it would do much good if they really wanted to have it out considering they both had biotics. Shepard recalled overhearing Matriarch Aethyta telling Liara she was a quarter krogan. Though Liara adamantly professed she never had the desire to head-butt anyone, Shepard thought from the glare she gave Javik that she really wanted to head-butt him.

Javik ignored Kaidan and her coming into the mess and continued to say what he no doubtably would have said to Liara even if they weren't there. "What does it matter? We left messages before and it has become apparent that they were not heeded. Perhaps our predecessors had left us a message. We did not find it, nor would it have mattered since we were already at war with the machines."

"So your solution is to give up! Well, I refuse to stop trying! I refuse to give up on this cycle or the next cycle or even the next cycle after that! One of us will defeat the reapers! We have to!" Liara shook her head, her brows scrunching angrily. Javik simply watched her expressions, seeming to study her. However, that didn't sit well with her and she huffed before turning and leaving for her room.

Javik finally turned around to face Shepard and Kaidan. "I believe your asari's 'research' of my people has clouded her perceptions on what we were able to accomplish. I can offer her nothing that will help her decipher the purpose of the weapon your cycle is building. And speaking of the past does nothing to help you combat the reapers."

"Would it really be so hard for you to just tell her what she wants to know?" Shepard asked wearily, rubbing her temple.

"To what point, Commander. Nothing I say will change that all that is left of the Protheans is a single voice, a single warrior. I am only concerned with one thing, the defeat of the reapers."

"It sounded to me like she was concerned with that as well," Shepard replied before shaking her head. She looked over at Kaidan. "I'm going to go talk to Liara."

Shepard left toward Liara's room, grateful to get away from Javik but a little guilty she was leaving Kaidan alone with him. She figured Kaidan could handle himself. And it wasn't as if she didn't like Javik, he was interesting to be sure and sometimes his brusque viewpoints tipped more on the side of comical than offensive, depending on the day. Comical didn't describe his latest conversation with Liara though and Shepard knew that her friend simply wanted to continue to her life's work, even with the reapers attacking. Like everyone else, she probably found herself looking for things to take her mind off the war when she wasn't on mission drops. Shepard made a mental note to take Liara on the next. Besides, they were on their way to an asari monastery, the ground team would definitely benefit from her insight there.

Liara stood at her console, trying to lose herself in her work when Shepard walked in. Her fine brows pursed into angry lines above her eyes, giving her a severe appearance that Shepard felt bordered along a look Benezia gave her back on Noveria. The thought of Liara sharing a ruthless streak like her mother troubled her, even though Liara had told her about who Benezia was before she worked with Saren. While Shepard felt genuinely happy that her friend would remember her mother as she was rather than what she changed into, she had only ever meet the indoctrinated Benezia and even Liara's stories didn't do much to change her feelings about the matriarch.

Keeping her attention on the screens, Liara focused intently on her work and Shepard wondered if she would even talk to her right now. She had planned for this to be a more friendly chat, but with Javik irritating Liara yet again, it looked like she would spend their time trying to soothe her friend's raw nerves more than having an idle conversation over breakfast. Slowly, she walked over to stand next to the asari and just waited. After a few minutes, Liara finally sighed and dropped her head.

"Hey, you okay?" Shepard asked, concerned.

"I just cannot understand him, Shepard," Liara started. "What I wouldn't give for Javik to have been a scientist…or a scholar… or even a politician!" She paced as she ranted. "All he ever tells me is that it doesn't matter! But he has this wealth of knowledge by simply being who he is! Everything I've wondered about the Protheans their culture, their beliefs, their entire society there is so much we could learn from him if he were only willing to talk about it!"

"I'm sure Javik will come around," Shepard replied. "Don't give up, Liara. Remember he's only been with us a few days."

"But time is not on our side, Shepard," Liara countered. "There is so much he could tell us. And I fear there may not be enough time for him to tell it all even if he were forthcoming from the very beginning!"

"I'm with you there," Shepard noted, thinking about her own frustrations with Kaidan and how she felt they didn't have enough time to really get to know each other before something terrible happened. Something terrible already happened when the SR1 went down, and yet here they were taking things at a snail's pace. She kept trying to convince herself taking it slow like Kaidan wanted would work out better in the end. She hoped that he was right.

"What am I supposed to do?" Liara sighed.

"Keep doing what you're doing, Liara. Ask questions. Stay interested. Sooner or later Javik will find out that talking to you is more beneficial than not talking to you. It may take longer than you want it to, but I've never know you to give up. Don't give up now." Shepard put a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder and Liara smiled softly at that.

"Thank you, Shepard. I won't give up, though I know I should probably give him a little more space," Liara said then took in a deep cleansing breath. "I'm glad you came when you did. I fear I might have done something regrettable had you and Kaidan not arrived in the mess when you did."

"Something like head-butting Javik?" Shepard supplied with a smirk.

Liara laughed a little, "Far less entertaining, I suppose. I was actually thinking of slapping a singularity on him."

"What is it with asari and singularities?"

Liara laughed. "I suppose we don't share the same love for explosions and gun fire that humans do."

"Or head-butting," Shepard added.

"And here I thought that was a krogan thing," she remarked hand on her hip.

Liara finally relaxed and walked over to her bed, taking a seat. After Liara motioned her over, Shepard came and sat next to her. The asari leaned back on her elbows, studying the panels in the ceiling of her room. Shepard glanced up, wondering what she saw or if she simply looked up there while lost in thought. For a few minutes they sat in silence Liara thinking about how to get Javik to open up to her, and Shepard thinking about how her friend was doing.

"So, how've you been, Liara?" Shepard finally brought up to break the silence.

"Aside from being aggravated by our new guest?" Liara sat up and her expression turned dismal. "I worry about us, Shepard. I wonder if we can defeat the reapers and if we do what the state of the galaxy will be after that. Earth… Palaven… how do we recover from such destruction?"

"One day at a time I guess," Shepard replied quietly, wondering the same thing. Even if Earth could be rebuilt, it'd never be the same. And how long would it take? Years? Decades? Would she live long enough to see it rebuilt? Would she even live past the final battle? She had to believe she would. Admitting death in the war now might as well be admitting defeat to the reapers. Shepard couldn't afford to think like that. Not with so much riding on her success, not with the entire galaxy riding on her success.

"What about you, Shepard?" Liara asked. "Are you sleeping any better?"

"A little better, yeah," she answered. "All things considered, I'm doing alright."

"Just alright?" Liara stated a bit worriedly.

"Yeah, why?"

"I was hoping that you and Kaidan were doing better," Liara said a little sheepishly. "After what happened before, I mean."

"We're fine for the moment. We made up at least and even had two entire conversations where neither of us got mad about Cerberus or Horizon or anything else." Shepard smiled at that.

"I'm glad to hear that," Liara replied with a smile of her own. "I worried that you two might have grown apart."

"Maybe we did," Shepard noted with just a hint of sadness. It would explain why getting back together with Kaidan didn't fall into place like she imagined it would. Why every conversation seemed littered with land mines and neither of them knew where they were placed. She wondered if Kaidan felt the same way, or since he'd actually believed she was dead for two years if he felt that this was a chance to start over. Not that it was ever really starting over, not with everything that happened once she came back.

Gently, Liara laid her hand over Shepard's own and looked up at her. "Maybe you did," Liara admitted. "But you can always grow back together again."

Shepard sighed with a half-smile, "Now if only growing back together didn't take so damn long."

Liara laughed. "I think Kaidan would disagree."

"That does seem to case of late," Shepard agreed.

"Come now, Shepard. You've never been one to turn down a challenge," Liara prodded.

"And I never will," Shepard smirked.

Kaidan watched Shepard leave and sighed assuming he was probably supposed to stay and talk to Javik then. He'd wanted a chance to speak with the prothean eventually, but not like this and definitely not after Liara had just got a hold of him. Thankfully, Javik didn't appear too ruffled by the encounter. Kaidan guessed spending a lifetime at war probably hardened him to severe degree. He understood that, knowing that in most cases he himself kept his own emotions subdued and in check. A hard life wasn't the same as having your entire species eradicated, but he felt a kind of camaraderie with other people whose lives had been filled with danger and strife.

Clearing his throat, Kaidan tried to think of what to say to Javik. Did the men and women of his species share the same aggravations about each other that men and women of his did? Did Javik just need some space and time to get used to the idea that he'd been transported 50,000 years into the present and was now the last surviving prothean? Were their societies so different from his that he couldn't comprehend them? Kaidan felt his head start to hurt from the questions and finally just decided to say something, anything.

"So, uh, just curious, but what was it that Liara asked you?"

"The asari asked about the governing practices of the protheans."

Kaidan waited for Javik to elaborate further but he didn't. "And…"

"And I told her that my people are dead along with their government. It matters not now," Javik responded detachedly.

For a moment Kaidan considered the reason Javik refused to answer these questions was because it just might hurt too much to answer them. To recount the history of your species, a species now extinct he couldn't imagine what that would feel like. To know that everything you ever knew was gone or at the very least changed, and to know that everyone you knew was dead now… He could see why Javik wouldn't want to talk about his people at all. If he were him, he'd probably do the same. All that would be on his mind was killing the bastards that took it all away in the first place the reapers.

Kaidan felt a certain respect for Javik at that moment and a kind of pity. Not shame really, just a sadness for him. How would it feel to be the only one left? The fact that Javik held onto his anger, cultivated it, Kaidan understood that kind of drive. It was either that or to stop and truly realize all he'd lost. A man could go mad with despair if he did that. Kaidan remembered almost losing himself after Shepard died. God… did Javik have someone that he loved fighting alongside him in those final days? Was there a dead lover or a brother or a friend in those pods that were shut off? How would he feel if he woke up and found that their lives had been sacrificed so that he could survive? Kaidan felt his stomach grow hollow.

"Liara didn't mean any harm by it," Kaidan found himself defending her. From her reaction, she probably didn't consider the same things he did and he knew a lot of times she just didn't get things. For such a smart asari, she could be really dense at times. "She's just trying to find a way keep hope alive and to find something normal and good in all this."

"There is nothing normal or good about a war with the reapers," Javik countered emotionlessly.

"No, I know, but… to try and find something outside of the reapers. To have something to shoot for," Kaidan tried to explain.

"I do not understand. You shoot at the reapers," Javik's eyes tilted suspiciously at Kaidan. Kaidan actually chuckled at the fact his phrasing was completely lost on the prothean.

"Something to hope for and look forward to after the war," Kaidan amended.

"Your species are too focused on the future. What good is it to plan for what you will do after the war until it is won?"

"It's a…" Kaidan shook his head trying to find the best way to explain it to Javik, who might not understand it anyway. Obviously where he came from planning further than the next battle was most likely unheard of. "It's a reward really. To look beyond what we can see and say if we can do this, this is what I'm going to do, this is what I'm going to get. For us… for humans I guess, it gives us something to fight for. If we're just fighting with nothing to look forward to afterward, we aren't going to get very far. We give up or we don't care. Having something to reward ourselves with after we win even if it's just an idea that gives us the strength and courage to keep fighting. And to fight our hardest."

"I see. And the asari, they require this… 'something to shoot for' as well?"

Kaidan grinned at the fact Javik picked up on things so quickly. "Yeah, I think they do. At least Liara does anyway."

Javik seemed to consider this for a while. Then he turned to Kaidan, scrutinizing him. "And you expect me to now participate in exchanging this pointless information with the asari even though it will not help her."

"I just don't understand why you don't," Kaidan said a little tiredly. "I mean, if you just told her what she wanted to know then she'd probably leave you alone."

"I do not believe that is true. The asari has many questions. She will only ask more if I answer one. It will only distract her from the war that is happening now. She needs to concentrate on fighting the reapers in her cycle, not studying the cycles lost in the past. All of this Normandy crew. You are all unfocused, thinking of other things than the reapers. How can you expect to defeat them if your minds are not committed to what must be done?"

"Well, we fight differently than protheans do," Kaidan retorted.

"That is apparent. Time will tell whether your methods are successful or not," Javik quipped. "And you, human. You do not think your preoccupation with the Commander hinders your ability to combat the reapers?"

"No, I don't," Kaidan struck back, a little angry Javik suddenly used Shepard against him and wondering how in such a short time on the ship Javik already knew about him and the Commander. "She's what I'm fighting for."

Suddenly Javik grabbed the Major's arms, his eyes shutting as he focused his probing thoughts. Kaidan resisted the urge to flinch, instead gritting his teeth and clenching his fists at the sudden invasion of his space and person. Those first few seconds all he felt was the hold Javik had on him, but almost instantly after, he felt his own memories flash in his mind. Unbidden, uncontrolled, moments he shared with Shepard swam through his head almost as quickly as in those last terrifying moments when he felt his life leaving him on Mars.

"You care deeply for the Commander, admire her skill and perseverance," Javik started. Kaidan felt his feelings for Shepard bubble to the surface his consuming love for her, his adoration and admiration, his longing for her and his desire to be a better man for her. "You believe your love for her makes you fight harder. You fight for a future for you both."

Suddenly Kaidan's chest constricted as he felt the intense pain from her death, that bitter hollow in his soul. "But you are weak without her, broken. Her death is your failing, and your guilt." Kaidan wrenched himself free, pushing the prothean back away and breaking the hold his grief had over his heart.

"What the hell was that?" Kaidan asked, immediately knowing the answer. "Did you just read me?"

"You claim that this hope for life after the reaper war strengthens you. But what you claim for your strength is also your weakness," Javik went on, ignoring his previous question. "If the Commander falls, you will fall as well."

"Well it's a good thing I'm planning on making sure that doesn't happen," Kaidan stated adamantly. "I'll do anything for her. I'll die to make sure she makes it through this if I have to."

"Let us hope then that you are the one by her side should it come to that," Javik noted grimly.


	22. Routines

Missing Moments: Routines

"Ash!"

Shepard shot up out of bed, sweat beading at her temples. She panted softly in the dark and glanced over at her clock, the lights reading an early 5:28. Normally she'd be up in about a half an hour anyway so she dragged herself out from under the covers, leaning elbows on her knees until she could steady her bearings. Another nightmare filled with watching her friends die before her eyes. Thane pushing her out of the way of Kai Leng's killing blow, Mordin caught in an explosion behind a glass wall she couldn't break, Jenkin's fingers slipping out of her hands on a cliff that looked like it would have been at home on Eden Prime.

Ashley putting a gun to her head on Virmire. She'd called out to Ash right before she pulled the trigger, just like Samara. Only she couldn't reach her in time to stop her. She could never reach any of them in time to save them. None of those things happened of course, Shepard knew that, but even dreams had a way of telling the truth sometimes. She could only be thankful that she was at least able to stop Samara from killing herself. If she had hesitated for even a second… she would have had to watch another friend die. She would have had another face added to her nightmares.

She forced herself to stand, to walk into the bathroom. Flicking on the lights caused her to recoil just slightly until her eyes didn't feel so offended by the brightness. She ran the water cold and splashed her face, letting the water chill her skin. Looking in the mirror she noted she appeared more ragged than usual. Her cheeks slightly more sallow, the bags under her eyes a little more pronounced. Shepard chalked it off to getting too little sleep, or at the very least, not enough quality sleep. But in the back of her mind she knew it was the war and the toll it took on her.

The banshees in the monastery had been new. For a while, Shepard actually regretted taking Liara down there with them. The look of glazed horror in her eyes as they caught the first sight of those willowy monstrosities made Shepard wonder if Liara would even be able to fight at the time. But Liara came through, she only faltered for a few brief seconds when they encountered that first creature but afterwards she fought like the powerful asari biotic she knew. In fact, she might have even been a bit more ruthless than usual. On the shuttle back to the Normandy, Liara had guessed that the reapers had to use the ardat-yakshi and not just regular asari in order to create such powerful reaper forces from them. The sole consolation for this was that the reapers couldn't sustain a horde of the terrible creatures like they did with the husks or cannibals.

Seeing those asari changed however, Shepard knew Garrus was right. The reapers knew what they were doing. They had the perfect tactics, the perfect ground forces. How were they supposed to fight something like that, how were they supposed to kill their own people, their friends? What did the other races look like? Did the reapers change the elcor, the hanar, the volus, the salarians, the drell? Or were they satisfied with the legions they took from the batarians to make Cannibals, the hundreds of thousands they stole from the humans to turn into husks. Turian marauders, krogan and turian hybrid brutes, and now asari banshees… as if the reapers themselves weren't hard enough for them to fight, what else did they have in store for them?

She dried her face, scrubbing her skin raw, letting the friction revive her and toughen her. Taking in a deep breath she glared into the mirror again. She would not let them take her. Not her people, not her crew, not her friends… not one more. She remembered those words from back before her team assaulted the Collector base. Not one more. Letting that fuel her for the moment, at least until she could get some real fuel into her body through breakfast, she marched out of the bathroom and pulled her battle fatigues out of the closet panel in the wall, putting them on.

Sitting on the edge of her bed she slipped on one boot, then the other. Shepard stood and stomped her feet to secure them better. It felt good, this routine she did in the morning. To feel the thick cloth hug her body, the solid boots constrict her feet. She felt real, tangible. The day felt normal, predictable, even though it was anything but. Just having that morning routine though, despite the nightmares, despite the mission drops, the ground assaults, she could count on the morning. She could count on the motions that took her from waking to becoming a fully functioning Commander.

She quietly made her way to the mess. Most of the crew were still asleep and only the few night watch soldiers were up and about. Even they looked a bit tired though, nearing the end of their shifts. Shepard returned a salute to one of the marines, more out of habit than consciously thinking about it, his red rimmed eyes quite possibly a mirror of her own. The cupboards were still fairly well stocked and she picked a packet that stated it contained an egg, sausage, and potato breakfast. Or at least a manufactured ration that would taste something similar to eggs, sausage, and potatoes.

Making a quick breakfast of the ration in the reconstitutor, Shepard grabbed her plate and sat down alone at one of the long mess tables. She'd nearly finished when she heard a door hiss open and turned to see that Liara was up. Liara nodded in her direction and grabbed a cup, filled it with water then came and sat down. Shepard guessed she just didn't have much of an appetite after what she saw yesterday evening. She figured she would have felt the same way about her own people and even might have on Eden Prime if she hadn't been knocked out for nearly a day by the beacon. As it was by the time she woke up, her stomach had been famished.

"Hey, you doing okay?" Shepard started. Liara looked better than she did, she thought. At least her eyes were bright and her cheeks still full. Shepard hoped that a good breakfast would fix most of her gauntness and for a minute she considered making another ration. In all honesty she couldn't remember if she had dinner or even lunch yesterday. Breakfast seemed like the only meal she always ate like clockwork. Part of that routine probably, she thought mildly.

"I am… alright. And what about you? You're up earlier than usual," Liara noted. Of course having her room right next to the mess hall probably made Liara overtly aware of who came down to the mess and when. Being the Shadow Broker though, Shepard supposed that she preferred keeping track of everything happening around her, even if it was something as simple as when the crew usually took their meals.

"Just woke up a little early is all," Shepard replied, trying to keep the conversation light for first thing in the morning.

"Are you not sleeping well again?" Liara asked concerned. She was too good at observing people. Though she usually kept it to herself with people she didn't know well, she'd often read into her friends' expressions. Sometimes it was fine. Other times it was annoying. Right now, Shepard was okay with it as long as she didn't make a big deal out of it.

"I'll be fine, it's just a few dreams," Shepard assured her. Liara's brows creased worriedly but she didn't try to pry much further.

"Chakwas may have something to help with that if you want," Liara started but as Shepard shook her head no she sighed. "Will you let me know if there's anything I can do to help?"

"Sure, Liara," Shepard replied, keeping it simple.

"Do you mind if I ask what your dream was about?" Liara inquired hesitantly.

Shepard sighed, rolling the fork in her hand. She frowned down at her plate. "Just thinking about the people we've lost to this war."

"It is not your fault they're gone, Shepard," Liara told her. "I'm sure every one of us here now knows what we face. I know there is a chance we won't make it through this, but we have to try. And if we die trying… well, I for one would be proud to die fighting at your side."

Looking up at her friend Shepard smiled just a little. "Thanks Liara."

They talked a bit about the asari, the ardat-yakshi. Surprisingly, Liara didn't know much more about them than Shepard had already learned from Samara. Maybe there really just wasn't that much more to tell other than recounting old beliefs or superstitions about them. Shepard felt a bit sad that Samara had to watch two of her daughters die. But she remembered how the Justicar never wanted anyone to pity her, to offer her condolences for her losses. It seemed a lonely way to live, but Shepard tried to remember that Samara wasn't always a Justicar. And after all the hardship Samara had to endure, Shepard wondered if bearing that grief alone wasn't better.

After Liara left for her room again to work on sorting through her agents' updates on reaper occupied space, Shepard left to go sit in the Starboard Observation room. As the door opened, she gazed around, realizing how much the ship had changed in such a short time. Six months and it was like a completely different deck. Only when she looked out into the stars did it feel the similar to how it had been before. She slowly walked over to the middle of the room, standing where Samara used to sit meditating or watching the stars so often.

Shepard sat down in Samara's spot, crossing her legs. She felt the cold floor around her with her fingers, imagining the Justicar, remembering their conversations together. For a brief moment she wondered how it would feel to be able to read the ship like Javik did. To feel what her friends felt while serving with her. Samara always appeared serene. Cold and detached, many would say, but Shepard knew better. The Justicar had an understanding of her life, of herself and her code that stabilized her in a way. It gave her that center, that calm like standing in the eye of a storm.

Closing her eyes and resting her hands on her knees, Shepard tried to find that inner calm. How did Samara do it? How did she hunt down her own daughter with the intent to kill her and stay so calm? Could Shepard do the same? Would she have the strength? She didn't even feel like she had much strength right now. All she wanted was to run back to Earth, to help fight the fight there, to be a regular soldier again. Give me orders, she thought to herself. I'm tired of giving them. Tired of being responsible for everything. Tired of being the hope for the galaxy.

Maybe that's how Samara felt in that brief moment of despair. Tired of watching her children die. Tired of killing the very things she loved most in the world. Tired of the code maybe. Though more likely, it was that very code that kept her sane. Her tether that kept her soul grounded in a galaxy that was perpetually falling all around her. She was over a thousand years old. How would that be, to live centuries instead of decades with the haunting of your past? Shepard shuddered inwardly and her brows creased as she tried to focus her thoughts elsewhere.

Keeping her eyes shut she tried to imagine her friends from her nightmares happy. Shepard imagined what they would have done without the war, or maybe even after it if they had lived. She thought of Mordin walking along the beaches on Earth, looting seashells from the sand. Thane reading with his son about the old drell traditions and theology. Jenkin's wide-eyed wonder with Pressly regaling a too close space battle with batarian pirates. Ashley playfully teasing Joker on the bridge. Shepard hoped wherever they were, they were like this. Happy, at peace. She reminded herself that that peace was what she was fighting for.

She sighed and let her mind go blank for while. Nothing but the endless black in her mind, the soft pulse she felt in her fingertips, the slow breeze of air whispering in and out of her lungs. Breathe in. Out. In. Out. The silent mantra hypnotized her into a dreamless lull. She let herself drown in it. The door hissing open broke her reverie, though she was uncertain how much time had passed. Shepard didn't open her eyes, instead taking a deep breath, already missing the brief reprieve she'd found in the meditation. She figured she knew who came in. He'd claimed this room to himself much like Samara had back when they were tracking the Collectors.

"Shepard," Kaidan said a little surprisingly. She listened to his careful footsteps as he crossed the room and came to stand by her. A heavy tread made in heavy boots. A soldier's tread strong, certain, yet cautious. She could feel him close, his presence and concern filling the room. Opening her eyes finally, she turned to look up at him. Shepard gave him a small smile to relieve the worried expression making its home on his eyebrows. He seemed to relax a bit after that and the room brightened. "I ah… didn't expect to see you here. What are you doing on the floor?"

"Samara used to sit here," Shepard supplied then looked out the window to the stars beyond.

Kaidan didn't need much more elaboration than that. He'd been right there when Shepard had snatched the gun away from the asari, just before she could pull the trigger. Kaidan crouched down beside her before sitting down, one leg extended, the other bent up a little so he could prop his arm on it. He gazed out to the stars with her.

"You alright?" He asked, not even trying to mask the concern in his voice. Down there in the monastery marked the first time he'd met Samara. No doubt he'd read the briefs on the Justicar, a tragic tale of a mother who had to hunt her own children. How must that have looked to him, that she helped Samara kill her own daughter? How must that have looked to him, that she had to save her friend from suicide?

"I'm… okay," she finally answered.

"You sure? You look tired," Kaidan stated, worry seeping back into his words. He casually brushed a loose strand of hair from her face, but it had been absently done and not the long slow caress she'd craved. Secretly she wished his worries would transform into more physical manifestations of comfort. "It'll be a couple days before we reach the flotilla. Maybe you should catch a little more rest while we have some extra time."

"I haven't exactly been able to get much sleep since the war started," Shepard admitted.

He looked out into the starry void. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

She glanced over at Kaidan. His look turned thoughtful as he stared out the window, like he was picturing something else entirely out there in the stars. No doubt he still worried about his family. Though his father had finally been accounted for, the fact that the man was in the Alliance would put him to the war front, on Earth none-the-less. Where the fighting was at its worst. What did his mother do, with her husband and son at war?

"You still not sleeping well, Kaidan?" Shepard asked, remembering he had been having trouble getting decent rest and not only because of the war_. I think about us._ His words echoed in the back of her mind.

He chuckled a bit at that and shook his head. "I'm not sure I'll sleep well until years after all this is over." Kaidan sighed and looked at her from half-lidded eyes. "Know what I mean?"

"Yeah," Shepard agreed sadly. Even if they had peace afterward, even if they had a future to look forward to, those faces would always haunt her. The faces of the people she couldn't save. The horror of the abominations the reapers turned each species of the galaxy into. In her worst nightmares, the ones that left her shivering, nails digging cuts into her palms, she'd seen Ashley as a husk. She'd call to her with that strange mechanical whine, dead eyes glowing eerily… accusingly. Shepard immediately shook the image from her mind, realizing her breathing had quickened, her pulse raced.

Kaidan must have noticed. Concern swept across his face in pursed brows and a slight frown that made him look ten years older. He scooted closer to her, tentatively, uncertain. Shepard sighed a tired noise as he put his arm around her and pulled her close so that her head rested in the crook of his neck. She shut her eyes, letting the warmth of him soak in and heat her chilled skin. Hazily, Shepard wondered when she had gotten so cold. Her arm naturally hugged around his back, pulling him tighter to her.

"Kaidan…"

"Shh…" he hushed her. "Can we just… sit here for a minute and not think about what's supposed to come after?"

Shepard looked up at him and blinked concession in her eyes. _Okay._ Settling back into his shoulder she stared at the Major's bars on his collar. Her hand rose and fingered them lightly. They reminded her of how much time she'd lost with him. Two promotions she'd missed. She wondered what he did in that time. Getting bumped up two ranks in less than three years was considered quite fast in the Alliance. In the two years she was presumed dead, during the time she was hunting the Collectors, in those awful lonely months she spent on Earth under house arrest, he must have grown and done so much with his life. _When did he go from an uncertain Lieutenant to a capable Major? _

They sat together quietly. Shepard breathed in the scent of his spicy aftershave, strong this early in the morning. She imagined it had to be one of his own personal morning routines. Get up. Shower. Shave. Get dressed. A sly smile crept across her lips as she conjured the image of him in her mind dutifully dressing in his battle casuals, pulling the thick fabric over taut muscles, smoothing the material until he was satisfied with its presentation. Immediately following the thought came a woeful sigh from her lips. Why oh why couldn't they speed this up?

Shepard felt more than saw Kaidan's chin tuck down as he turned to look at her. She immediately shut her eyes again, knowing by heart the small frown and creased brows he wore when he worried. After what felt like minutes, though Shepard was certain it only had to be a few brief seconds, Kaidan turned again, his focus back out the window, wanting to stay in this moment. She opened her eyes and looked out there with him, wanting to stay in the moment as well. Somewhere in her chest though, she felt a stirring notion that duty would separate them again. It must have been her imagination, but in that moment Shepard could almost see the glimmer of dozens of flaming planets, like that last embers on a candle just before going out.

Closing her eyes against the view, blocking out the world, she let herself fall back into the sea of meditation. Breath in. Out. She could swim in his scent forever. In. Out. Just sit here with him forever. In. Out. If only they didn't have a war to fight.

Kaidan felt Shepard's breathing slow then level out into a steady pace. Her breath puffed lightly at his neck and he looked down again at her, her eyes shut, lips parted just a slit. Smiling, he realized she'd fallen asleep. Gently scooping Shepard up in his arms as he rose from the floor, he looked around. Good, his data pad was still sitting on the side table by the chair from last night. He walked over to it and carefully leaned down a little to snatch it up while keeping her balanced in his arms.

Treading softly back toward the center of the room, he picked a comfortable spot on the couch and laid her down. He lifted her head and shoulders and sat at the end of the couch, then let her use his lap as a pillow. Grinning with boyish victory, he tapped the data pad to life and looked over the dailies. Shepard stirred a little and he brushed her hair absently with his other hand until she stilled again. She really needed the rest. Silently, he thought to himself:_ I could get used to this._


	23. Missed You

Missing Moments: Missed You

Shepard's cabin door swished open, which was becoming quite commonplace since the admiralty board had arrived on her ship. Her new role as mediator had taken up the majority of her time as well as her patience and Shepard started to feel it wear on her. Not a good thing when the admirals had only been aboard her ship a brief two hours. On route to the dreadnought after a long coordinating session with the fleet left Shepard exhausted and she hadn't even boarded the damn thing yet. She sighed wondering what new issue she needed to douse the flames of and turned around in her desk chair to see Tali standing there, head tilted just slightly. Shepard smiled. She could use a break, she hoped this was an informal visit at any rate, from all the complaints and arguments happening not only between the Normandy crew and the quarians but between the quarians themselves.

"We'll reach the dreadnought in about thirty minutes," Tali informed her.

"I'm sure you didn't come all the way up here just to give me a status report," Shepard smirked at her friend while standing up out of her chair and motioning toward the couch. Tali followed suit and walked over, picked a seat and slipped down into the cushions. Shepard joined her, taking a decanter of water and pouring herself a glass. She made a questioning glance at Tali, who shook her head. Shepard knew that would probably be her response, seeing as her water wasn't exactly sterilized. "Since we have a few minutes, what's on your mind? Still having a hard time?"

"A little. I actually came up here to talk about you though. You asked me how I was handling things but I didn't get the chance to return the sentiment. I know it can't be easy for you, fighting here while your homeworld is overrun with reapers. I wanted you to know that I'm sorry this is happening now… I wish…"

"It's alright, Tali. This wasn't your fault. Like you said, you fought against it and I while I don't understand why your people choose to do this now, I do understand the position you're in and I'm going to help in any way that I can."

"Thanks Shepard. But like I said, I came to ask how you were doing." Shepard could hear the patient smile in Tali's voice even if she couldn't see it behind the quarian's mask. She should have known Tali knew her too well to let her dodge any questions about her own well-being. Taking a deep breath, she sighed and shrugged.

"I'm too busy trying to gather a galactic fleet to think about how I'm doing," Shepard started. When Tali's helmet dropped a pitch she went on. "Truthfully, I don't know, Tali. Like you I feel like I've been thrown into a hurricane with no real way to right myself. I just keep moving on to the next mission, hoping it brings me a little closer to the end of this war."

"You've always been able to do the things others can't, Shepard. You'll find a way to end this war. I know it," Tali stated so confidently that for a moment Shepard could believe her. After a few seconds passed though, the feeling dimmed. Could she really do this? While her crew boasted she cured the genophage, really that was Mordin's work and even Mordin couldn't have come up with a cure without Maelon's blood data and Eve's unrelenting cooperation. Even then it took more than just her to help deliver the genophage cure after it was completed.

An entire squad of turian fighters, a platoon of krogan ground forces, plus Wrex, his brother, her own team, and Kalros, a freakin' giant thresher maw, all somehow came together in an unlikely stream of lucky events to get the cure into the atmosphere. The end of the genophage was bought with many lives, including the life of the scientist salarian that was the true hero who cured the genophage. She hated that somehow Mordin, who figured out the cure, who sacrificed himself so the cure could be dispersed, wasn't seen as the person who cured the genophage after all that. No, when people talked of who cured the genophage, for some inane reason it was her name that crossed their lips. They say it was Shepard that cured the genophage.

What feat could she actually claim in this war really? Anderson was spear-heading the resistance on earth, Hackett salvaged and organized what was left of the Alliance fleet, even the timely rescue of Councilor Valern was due to Thane and not herself. While she chased down Kai Leng and deterred him from taking down the other two councilors, it wasn't solely her victory. After all, Kaidan was protecting them as well. Certainly she gave them a better fighting chance against Cerberus, but she was just another soldier in a group of soldiers working together to take back the Citadel. None of them could have done it alone, yet somehow she got the credit for it. Shepard saved the council, they said. It wasn't right for the people to align her name with the deeds. Yet she knew it wasn't wrong either. Shepard shook her head.

"I don't know, Tali. How much can one soldier change the course of the galaxy? Without my crew, without the Alliance standing behind me, what could I do really?"

"Shepard, I was there when they made you a Spectre. I was there on Virmire, there at the Citadel, there at the Collector Base. I've seen what you can do. Yes, you have your team beside you, soldiers behind you, but we wouldn't be there if we didn't believe you were the one who could lead us through it. I wouldn't be where I am today without you. I probably wouldn't even be alive if it weren't for you. You told me 'not the admiral's daughter, the admiral' and I believed you. Now believe me when I say you're not just a soldier, you're a Commander, a Captain. And if I know you, you'll find a way. You always do."

Shepard couldn't help but smile at that and feel a bit more emboldened by her friend's clear confidence and trust in her. Her smile turned devious when she recalled all the snarky razzing she got from Tali and Garrus back before the Collector mission though. "You sure I'm not just leading you on another suicide mission?"

Tali laughed, "I thought they were all suicide missions with you. We were just lucky to get out alive."

"Well, luck does tend to run out… sooner or later."

"Maybe," Tali replied. "Perhaps your luck with love balances it all out though."

Shepard's nose crinkled as she made a face. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, just that maybe your bad luck with relationships balances out your good luck in the field." If Tali didn't have a mask on, Shepard was sure she would have seen the quarian smirk. "I think I'll start to worry once you start getting lucky with love."

"I'm not that bad with relationships!"

"With what I hear from Garrus, I don't think that's entirely true," Tali gibed. Shepard cringed slightly at that, knowing the truth of it. "I thought for sure when you turned in the Normandy, you would work things out with Kaidan."

"So did I. Turns out I didn't even get the chance to talk to him until after Earth was invaded."

"I'm sorry, Shepard." Tali sounded sincere about that. Shepard waved her hand as if trying to fan away all the heartache she'd gone through. Kaidan was finally on good terms with her and she hoped that would continue. "At least he's here now."

Shepard felt her heart suddenly drop. Wasn't it just a few days ago she saw a message about Kal'Reegar being killed in action while defending a communications tower on Palaven? She remembered how Tali seemed to like him and how polite Kal was to her. Did anything ever come of that, Shepard wondered. Yet knowing of Reegar's death, she couldn't bring herself to ask. Tali already had enough grief burdening her right now with her people at war with the geth yet again. She didn't need her drudging up something that might have never been. Instead Shepard nodded in agreement. Yes, she did have Kaidan now, for however long that might be.

"Yeah, you're right. He is here now."

"Is… is everything okay between you and Kaidan? Garrus made it sound worse than my trial, the infighting between you two."

Shepard had to laugh at that, "Well, it was pretty bad at first. Then it got better, then worse again. Now… I don't know, Tali. I want to be with Kaidan, there's no doubt about that and I know he still loves me. It's just…" Shepard let it hang, not sure how to go on.

"It's just what?"

"With the war… I don't know. Maybe being with him is more of a distraction than it's worth," she spoke the words not sure if she meant them at all. It was a question that plagued her ever since he joined the Normandy after becoming a Spectre. Shepard found herself wondering if her thoughts of him didn't somehow make her less of a Commander. No one said as much and she accomplished all her missions, usually with better results than Hackett expected, but at the same time she couldn't be completely sure his presence didn't on some level distract her from concentrating on the war effort more.

"Shepard, the whole reason you're fighting this war is so that we can live our lives without the reapers! Wouldn't you be with Kaidan if it weren't for them? Isn't he part of the reason you're fighting so hard?"

Shepard knew Tali was right. Even back when she was hunting down the Collectors, she worried about Kaidan. She did what she could to protect him from Cerberus and hoped that taking down the Collectors would help him accept her after she'd been gone. In fact, she had started fighting a whole lot harder since seeing him hurt on Mars, carrying him back to the Normandy, flying out to the Citadel at top speed while wondering if he was going to survive. She'd wanted to get back at Cerberus, get back at the Illusive Man after that. Shepard also wanted to take the fight back to the reapers more than ever because if it hadn't been for them in the first place, she wouldn't have died and then been on estranged terms with Kaidan now. Feeling better about how Kaidan affected her, she smiled.

"You're right, Tali." Shepard gave her a heartwarming smile. "Thanks for reminding me what I'm fighting for."

"Anytime, Shepard," Tali replied, the grin reaching her voice. Shepard hoped one day she would be able to see it. Maybe after they claimed the quarians' homeworld back, Tali wouldn't have to wear her helmet all the time. Despite being angry about the quarians going to war with the geth right now while the reapers are invading, Shepard couldn't help but want the quarians to have their world back – a planet for them to call home, a world for them to fight for. They all needed something to fight for in this war, otherwise they weren't going to get very far against an enemy like the reapers. She just hoped that after this war with the geth, that there would be enough quarians left to fight against the reapers.

Shepard checked the time on her omni-tool. Fifteen minutes until they reached the dreadnought's location. She stood up and Tali followed.

"Well, looks like the reapers are going to have to wait for now. The geth are in for a surprise," Shepard stated. "Time to suit up. We'll be there in fifteen."

"And I thought they were already surprised when we first attacked them," Tali sighed. "I hate this war."

Shepard put a steady hand on Tali's shoulder, comforting her. "Don't worry, Tali. We'll get your people out of here safely."

"You keep saying that. I'm not sure whether to feel better or more worried," Tali replied with a slight laugh though Shepard knew it was more to dispel her anxiety than to make light of the situation. She gave her a smirk anyway.

"What's the matter? You can't do both?" Shepard joked.

Tali laughed truly at that. "I think I'm doing both now!"

"That's better. Now let's get ready and down to the airlock before Joker calls us up on the intercom. You know how he likes to complain about the drop team."

"You know, after all the infighting with the admirals, I think I'd rather listen to Joker's comments," Tali remarked insightfully.

"I know what you mean," Shepard said as they got into the elevator. "After five months house arrest on Earth, I couldn't believe how happy I was to hear Joker chide me over the coms."

"Shepard…" Tali started then turned to gather the Commander in her arms to hug her tight. "I missed you."

Shepard hugged her back tightly, shutting her eyes and wishing the terrible war wasn't the reason that brought her together with her friends. It should have been vacations or celebrations or weddings that brought them back together, not this. Trying to keep the heartbroken tremor out of her voice, Shepard whispered back. "I missed you too."


End file.
